The Michelangelo Phenomenon: How Love Shapes Who We Become

Saturday, March 8, 2025. This is for Harry B, my 12 noon on Saturday at the clinic.

In an age where self-actualization is marketed as a solo sport (complete with TED Talks, journaling prompts, and productivity apps that will definitely change your life this time), it’s easy to forget that we don’t just shape ourselves. We are shaped.

By our partners, our friends, our mentors.

By that one person in high school who told us we were terrible at singing and ensured we never attempted karaoke again.

Intimate relationships don’t just comfort us; they sculpt us.

And like any sculpting process, the final result depends on the skill, vision, and patience of the hands involved.

So let’s talk about the Michelangelo Phenomenon—the idea that, in the best relationships, our partners don’t just love us as we are. They help reveal who we are meant to be.

A Renaissance Idea Becomes a 20th-Century Hypothesis

Picture Michelangelo chipping away at a block of marble, revealing David within. That’s what a great partner does—minus the hammer and the risk of accidentally lopping off an ear.

We call it the Michelangelo Phenomenon.

This idea, in psychological terms, emerged in the late 1990s through the work of Stephen Michael Drigotas and colleagues. Drigotas et al. (1999) defined it as the process by which partners help each other become their "ideal selves."

A concept that Maslow, the patron saint of self-actualization, would have surely slow-clapped for.

Drigotas built upon Self-Expansion Theory (Aron & Aron, 1986), which argues that love is, at its core, a growth project.

The Michelangelo Phenomenon takes it a step further: it’s not just about expanding—it’s about sculpting. The right partner doesn’t just add to your life; they chisel away what doesn’t serve you and polish what does.

And before you get any ideas—this is not the same as trying to “fix” your partner.

That’s just micromanaging with extra steps.

How the Michelangelo Phenomenon Actually Works

Partner Affirmation: Seeing the Ideal You

The right person doesn’t just see who you are.

They see who you could become.

And they make sure you see it, too.

They say things like, “I always knew you were a writer” or “You have the kind of patience that would make a great teacher.” These little affirmations aren’t just nice things to hear. They shape self-perception. They bestow courage. They help a person step into who they always hoped to be.

Behavioral Affirmation: Little Nudges Toward Greatness

But talk is cheap, and sculpting requires action.

A Michelangelo-like partner doesn’t just say, “You should paint.”

They buy you a sketchbook.
They sign you up for a class.
They frame your first messy attempt and hang it on the wall like it’s the goddamn Mona Lisa.

In other words, because they love you, they create an environment where it’s easier to grow than to stay the same.

When the Chisel Slips: The Anti-Michelangelo Effect

Of course, not all sculpting is good sculpting.

Some relationships don’t chisel away the unnecessary parts to reveal the masterpiece within.

They chip away at the masterpiece itself.

Imagine wanting to be a public speaker, but your partner constantly reminds you how awkward you are in conversations. Or dreaming of becoming a chef, but your spouse says, “Maybe start with something edible?”

Instead of shaping you toward confidence, they sculpt you into self-doubt.

Psychologists call this partner derogation, but let’s just call it what it is: being an unsupportive jerk.

What the Research Says

Drigotas et al. (1999) proved that couples who engage in partner affirmation experience more happiness, greater commitment, and overall personal growth.

This has been backed up by further research:

• Happy relationships boost self-expansion (Rusbult et al., 2009).

• Friendships and mentorships work the same way. You don’t have to be in love to be sculpted into a better version of yourself.

• John Gottman’s marriage research (2011) found that the couples who last are the ones who consistently engage in positive reinforcement—seeing and affirming the best in each other.

It’s less about grand romantic gestures and more about day-to-day encouragement.

Which means, ironically, that love isn’t about finding someone who “completes you.” It’s about finding someone who refuses to let you stay incomplete.

Wait… Isn’t This Just Codependency?

No. And here’s why.

• Codependency says, “I only exist because of you.”

• The Michelangelo Phenomenon says, “I become more of who I am because of you.”

Where codependency weakens, sculpting strengthens. Codependency makes you smaller, whereas healthy love makes you bigger.

It’s not about needing someone to survive.
It’s about having someone who helps you thrive.

Big difference.

The Future of Love: Can AI Sculpt Us Like a Partner Can?

With AI relationships on the rise (hello, Replika, you creepy digital sweetheart), there’s an interesting question here:

Could AI sculpt us the way a human can? I hope Esther assesses that in her upcoming salon.

Technically, yes. AI can learn your habits. It can provide encouragement. It can say, “You are a great writer,” 150 times a day until you believe it.

But here’s what AI can’t do:

• See your potential before you do.

• Challenge you when you’re avoiding growth.

• Know when you need a push versus when you need patience.

Because sculpting isn’t just about encouraging growth. It’s about understanding timing, nuance, and struggle.

And that?

That’s the work of real, messy, unpredictable, human love.

Conclusion: Choose Your Sculptor Wisely

Every relationship shapes us.

The only question is: Are you being sculpted toward your best self, or away from it?

And equally important: Are you sculpting your partner with care and vision?

Because whether you like it or not—
every love story leaves a mark.

The trick is making sure it’s a masterpiece.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1986). Love and the expansion of self: Understanding attraction and satisfaction. Hemisphere Publishing.

Drigotas, S. M., Rusbult, C. E., Wieselquist, J., & Whitton, S. W. (1999). Close partner as sculptor of the ideal self: Behavioral affirmation and the Michelangelo phenomenon. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(2), 293-323.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. W. W. Norton & Company.

Rusbult, C. E., Finkel, E. J., & Kumashiro, M. (2009). The Michelangelo phenomenon. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 18(6), 305-309.