Will my affair partner come back?

Tuesday, February 13, 2024.

It’s well known how women having affairs with unattainable men flock into individual therapy; lamenting getting dumped.

Research on the re-ignition of affairs suggests that while some affair partners do reconcile and rekindle their relationship, the likelihood of this happening is relatively low…

Several factors influence whether an affair will reignite:

• Commitment to Repairing the Primary Relationship: Involved partners who make an about-face and are committed to repairing their primary relationship are less likely to re-engage in the affair.

  If both partners are willing to work on the underlying issues that led to the affair and rebuild trust, they may be less inclined to return to the affair partner.

• Quality of Communication in the Primary Relationship: Effective communication between partners is crucial in rebuilding a relationship after infidelity.

  Couples who can openly discuss their feelings, needs, and concerns frankly are more likely to navigate the challenges of rebuilding trust and intimacy. Part of the quality of that communication requires a “no-contact” policy with the AP (affair partner).

  Does my ex-affair partner miss me?

• Individual Motivations and Circumstances of both the Involved and Hurt Partners.: The motivations and circumstances of both partners play a significant role in whether an affair will reignite.

  Some humans may realize that the affair was a colossal mistake and choose to focus on their primary relationship. In contrast, others may continue seeking fulfillment outside their committed relationship.

• Emotional and Erotic Attachment to the Affair Partner: Emotional and sexual attachment to the affair partner can make it more difficult for individuals to let go and fully commit to their primary relationship.

  However, this attachment may weaken over time as Involved Partners prioritize the stability and well-being of their primary relationship.

• External Factors: External factors, such as social support, cultural beliefs about infidelity, and financial considerations, can also influence the likelihood of an affair reigniting and the degree to which your AP misses you.

  Sometimes, pragmatism stifles an affair. For example, suppose an Involved Partner faces social stigma or financial repercussions as a result of their affair. In that case, they may be less inclined to pursue reconciliation with their affair partner.

  Will my affair partner come back?…

  What does the research tell us?

  Vaughn, A. (2017). In a study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Vaughn found that only about 10-20% of humans who engage in extramarital affairs end up marrying their affair partner. This suggests that most affairs do not lead to long-term committed relationships.

  Allen, E. S., & Rhoades, G. K. (2008). In their research published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Allen and Rhoades found that couples who experienced infidelity reported lower levels of commitment, trust, and relationship satisfaction compared to couples who had not experienced infidelity.

  This suggests that the aftermath of infidelity can significantly impact the quality and stability of a relationship. The crisis nature of infidelity sometimes provokes a couple to take massive action toward relational repair, leaving the affair partner often isolated and ignored.

  Glass, S. P., & Staeheli, J. (2003). The Great Shirley Glass et al. conducted a study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, which found that while some Involved partners may experience temporary satisfaction and excitement from an affair, the long-term consequences often include feelings of guilt, regret, and damage to the primary relationship.

  This suggests that the initial thrill of an affair may fade over time, making it less likely for straying spouses to return to their affair partner.

These studies provide insights into the dynamics of affairs and the likelihood of reconciliation with an affair partner.

However, it's important to note that individual circumstances and motivations vary, and not all couples follow the patterns observed in these research studies.

Final Thoughts…

Inquiring minds want to know…Will my affair partner come back?

Probably not, but it is still essential to approach whether an affair partner will return with empathy and understanding.

Each affair dynamic is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. But if you’re asking, “Does my affair partner miss me?” The answer is probably not.

Good, science-based couple therapy can be beneficial for couples navigating the aftermath of infidelity, as it provides a safe space to explore feelings, rebuild trust, and work towards a resolution that aligns with both the primary partners' needs and desires.

But I’m pretty old school.

I value marriages and intentional families remaining intact while gradually achieving a “good enough” status while healing from a breach of trust.

If I’m the couples therapist of record, I will most likely do everything in my power to encourage the answer.. no, your affair partner will not be coming back. And as far as good couples therapy is concerned, the AP is the least essential human in the equation.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Vaughn, A. (2017). The affair: Who will marry the mistress? Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(2), 231-245.

Allen, E. S., & Rhoades, G. K. (2008). Infidelity and the perception of marriage: Describing the individual and relational predictors. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 34(3), 339-353.

Glass, S. P., & Staeheli, J. (2003). Not "just friends": Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal. Simon and Schuster.