What makes an adult child cut ties with mom?…Research says you’ll get two different answers…

6/21/23 Today I’m in Baltimore for the AFTA event. This issue of parental estrangement has been weighing on my mind, hence this post live from Baltimore. Currently, I have 6 clients working with me on their estrangement issues.

I’m rooting for you all, and I wrote this with all of you in mind….

Cutoff with Mom is Rare. Estrangement is rarely seriously prolonged…

The first thing you have to understand about an adult child’s estrangement from their mother is that it is a relatively rare phenomena. The research revealed that only 6% of adult children reported any levels of estrangement from their mothers.

Joshua Coleman is a psychologist, and author of the book Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.

Joshua is also on the board of directors of the Council of Contemporary Families, and is an important thought leader on modern family dysfunction caused by cut offs and estrangement.

Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan teamed up with Joshua and conducted a study of 1000 mothers estranged from their adult children with and it yielded some compelling data.

Sarah is a professor of Psychology and a faculty affiliate of the Institute for Population Research. She’a also been a Fellow of the National Council on Family Relations, as well as a member of the Board of the Council on Contemporary Families. Sarah is a well-respected thought leader.

Here is her most compelling finding:

• A study of more than 1,000 mothers estranged from their adult children found that nearly 80% believed that an ex-husband, or their son- or daughter-in-law, or romantic partner had turned their children against them.

A majority of estranged moms also believed their child’s mental health or addiction issues played a contributing, or a major role.

A mother’s view?

This research project is fascinating because it only looked at the estranged mothers’ perspective.

What’s noteworthy is that when we compile the responses of the estranged moms and view it alongside other studies, it suggests that moms and their adult kids don’t generally agree on the reasons for their cutoff.

Avoidance of responsibility?

“There’s a real disconnect between what the mothers are saying and what their adult children are saying about why they aren’t talking,” said Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, lead author of the study and professor of psychology at The Ohio State University. “It has real implications for what clinicians and others need to consider when they are trying to heal these relationships.”

This compelling data was compiled from the Understanding Parental Estrangement Survey conducted by the University of Wisconsin Survey Center in the pre-COVID year of 2019. Parents were recruited as study subjects from an online discussion forum who were experiencing and interested in discussing estrangement with their adult children.

Nuggets from the study

This study focused on just over 1000 mothers who agreed to complete an online survey about their beliefs and attitudes about their estrangement.

• . The study showed 52% were estranged from a daughter and 45% were estranged from a son.

• More than half of the moms (56.8%) had gone more than a year without contact with their children.

• Most of the moms surveyed were divorced, and over a third were currently married to, or in a committed relationship with their estranged child’s other biological parent.

The most common reason moms cited for the estrangement was that other family members were responsible for turned their children against them. The most frequent culprit that the mothers blamed the child’s biological father.

But also, in some cases, the adult child’s spouse or committed partner is blamed. That finding is consistent with other research, and it scrapes the underside of a whopping 80% of estranged mothers!

Externalization of aggravating factors

Over 62% of estranged moms blamed some external stressor, behavior, or influence for the cutoff for example there were responses that pot smoking, anxiety, alcohol use, depression, or some other addiction was a factor.

That was a juicy new tidbit that had not been seen in earlier research. That might be due to a clever design element of the survey, which differed from earlier research.

“The fact that we used an anonymous survey may have made mothers more comfortable attributing the estrangement to their children’s mental health,” she said.

Over a third of estranged moms cite value conflicts… but they usually don’t mean sexual orientation or religious differences

• Disagreements about values were mentioned by nearly 36% of estranged moms as a cause for their cutoff, but surprisingly, very few subjects wandered into fundamentalist conflicts, such as their children’s sexual lifestyle or sexual orientation, or religious issues.

More common were “other” value issues, which did include topics like politics and values around parenting.

“Other research shows that adult children are much more likely to explain their estrangements as stemming from emotional abuse, conflicting expectations about roles and personality clashes, to name a few,” Schoppe-Sullivan said.

• While it might be discouraging that only 18% of mothers said they were at fault for the estrangement, Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan posited that it may be true that an even smaller percentage of estranged adult children would be willing to assume responsibility.for the estrangement either..

Regardless of who is to blame, the biggest issue in trying to help families reconcile may be navigating the differing perspectives on what went wrong in their relationship, and helping them to remain regulating and curious through the process.

Have social changes have shifted generational perspectives on what constitutes a “good enough” mother?

Some of those differing perspectives may have arisen because of broader societal changes.

“For example, there are generational differences in what parents and children view as appropriate parenting behavior. Perspectives on what is considered abusive, harmful, neglectful or traumatizing behavior have shifted over the past three decades. What was once seen as normal behavior may be viewed as abusive or neglectful today,” .

“Each generation sees things differently now and we have to help them bridge that gap if they want to repair that relationship.” Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan

Estrangement may be especially difficult for many mothers. We have experienced enormous social upheaval.

What was once solid… is less so…

Why are we seeing estrangement between adult children and aging parents? Because views on the nature of child-parent relationships are shifting. There has emerged a powerful instinct toward self-care, among young adults…which is facilitated by well-timed estrangements from parents… mostly dad.. but sometimes, mom.

“Many of these mothers were of a generation that thought family relationships were non-voluntary and permanent,” she said. “But younger people may feel that if you’re harming my well-being, I don’t have to have a relationship with you – even if you’re my mother.” Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan

• The good news is that the mental health community of practice is on this. While every case is different, when less than 20% of mothers take responsibility for the estrangement, the pattern of emotional gridlock is self-evident.

But these issues remain…to be worked, and clarified. There is a healthy differentiation emerging in young adults. They’re not putting up with sh*t from mom or dad anymore. And try as mom can, you can only distract and deflect so far.

Joshua Coleman is uniquely qualified to assist in this critical research. He also experienced a cut off from his adult daughter which persisted for a number of years.

Estranged mothers feel powerful, sometimes overwhelming emotions of shame, guilt, sorrow, and pain.

The unravelling of close family bonds, the popularity of divorce, even in dotage, the legacy of deficit-laden, single parent parenting have shifted the familial earth underneath us. Adult children choose their life direction more independently than ever before, often moving away from their parents to unfamiliar cities or states.

As if that wasn’t challenging enough, rapid societal, cultural, and political change have also produced an a massive increase in family tensions. Adult children in 2023 are in frequent disagreement with their parents’ worldview. Many adult children take pride in their own perspective, and live differentiated lifestyles. Some adult children feel the need to pursue a complete break, and disassociate all together from their parents.

Final thoughts on estrangement

In the the aftermath of COVID, we’re experiencing a quiet epidemic of estrangement. It is being noticed and commented on by a growing number of therapists and researchers.

Estrangement, being cut off from your own flesh and blood,is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences of a mother’s life. It’s no wonder she’s handling it badly, and blaming others.

The popular tropes of parental estrangement don’t help either.

There’s the tired old story of the mean mom or dad, who got what exactly they deserved. Then there the spoiled, profligate adult child who blames their parents, and lives a dissolute life. I think that’s one’s in the bible.

On the other hand, the reasons for your estrangement are far more complicated, aren’t they?

American culture is changing. I’ve noticed that in the past few years, individualism is in ascendancy. Grey divorce has become widespread and common. We have an increasing cultural focus on personal happiness. We feel threats from growing economic uncertainty, and it’s a widespread belief that we’re living in a “meaner world.”

I also believe that for decades, (I blame my generation, the boomers for this, LOL… with our hippy-dippy “ain’t we special” mindsets), there has been a normalization of the idea that parents are often impediments to personal growth.

Many parents find themselves cut out of the lives of their adult children and grandchildren, because they considered annoying, hold distasteful beliefs, or trespass wearing heavy boots across across emotional minefields..

We need new emotional tools to engage in meaningful, generative conversations between estranged parents and their adult children.

I’m doing my best with several of my adult clients right now.

Are you in an estrangement situation?

If you’re both on board, I can help you both to cultivate a healthy relationship moving forward, and, in those rare circumstances, explore the ability to move on if reconciliation is no longer in the cards..

• While only 6% of adult children have been estranged from their mothers… their moms don’t seem to get the full picture yet. Keep talking, check your premises, and your estrangement just might fall away, in time.

“If you can fall in love again and again… if you can forgive as well as forget, if you can keep from growing sour, surly, bitter and cynical… you’ve got life half licked.” Henry Miller.

RESEARCH:

The study was published online recently in the journal Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice.