New research on adult parental cut-off…why do daddy issues dominate?
6/15/23. Estrangement issues between adult children and aging parents has become a silent epidemic… what’s going on, pops?
Parental estrangement and cut offs are becoming commonplace…
New research from Ohio State University has studied levels of estrangement in a longitudinal family dynamics study. The most surprising finding is that American adult children are much more likely to have issues with their dads than they are with their moms, according to these new findings:
The research revealed that only 6% of adult children reported any levels of estrangement from their mothers.
On the other hand, more than one in four (26%) said they were estranged from their dads at some point in their relationship.
The science of the cut-off
It was family therapy thought leader Dr. Murray Bowen who first elaborated on the concept of emotional cutoff.
Way back in the 50’s and 60’s, Bowen explored how people manage their unresolved emotional issues with parents, (or other family members), by curbing, or totally cutting off any communication with them.
Proximity cures
Bowen noted how his clients reduced emotional contact by moving away from family and rarely returning home. Some therapists are geographically fixated, and are unaware that Dr. Bowen also saw remaining physically nearby, while avoiding discussing sensitive issues, as another form of cut-off.
Bowen noticed that clients said relationships were more manageable when using cutoffs to manage them, but the emotional problems persist. They are merely dormant, never to be resolved.
When people reduce the tensions of family interactions by cutting off, they risk making their new relationships too important. For example, the more a man cuts off from his family of origin, the more he looks to his spouse, children, and friends to meet his needs.
This makes him vulnerable to pressuring them to be certain ways for him or accommodating their expectations of him out of fear of jeopardizing the relationships.
New relationships are typically smooth in the beginning, but the patterns people have tried to escape eventually emerge and generate tensions. People who are cut off may try to stabilize their intimate relationships by creating substitute “families” in social and work relationships. The Bowen Family Institute
Cutoffs and estrangements tend not to be permanent
Researchers also note that parental cut-off doesn’t last forever in most cases.
81% of the cases of estrangement between mothers and their children will end at some point.
Two in three cut-off cases (69%) between dads and offspring also end eventually.
“One of the messages from this study is that estrangement between adult children and their parents is fairly common, especially with fathers,” says lead author and professor of sociology Rin Reczek in a university release. “But these estrangements also do tend to end at some point.”
How the study was conducted
The research team curated data from two major surveys; the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth 1979. This poll followed a nationally representative sample of men and women who were 14 to 22 years-old in 1979. Researchers interviewed the parents regularly until 2018.
They compared this information on parents with a sample of their children, who participated in the Child and Young Adult supplement of the 1979 NLSY survey.
Sons and daughters have a natural affinity towards same sex parents
Overall, the study examined child estrangement among nearly 8500 mother-child relationships and nearly 8,200 father-child relationships. From 1994 to 2018, all adult children were four times more likely to be estranged from their dads. However, researchers say there were even more specific trends that emerged in the results.
Daughters were 22 percent more likely to be estranged from their fathers than sons were. Meanwhile, they were less likely than adult sons to have a poor relationship with their mothers.
Researchers defined an estranged relationship as any defined period where a parent had little-to-no contact, and were not close with their child. Rin Reczek was the spokesperson who explained the research findings:
“So daughters are more likely to stay connected with their mothers and sons were more likely to stay connected to their fathers,” Reczek says, adding that kids were still far less likely to cut off their moms. “Mothers are the primary caregivers to children in our society, so it makes sense that they are more likely to stay close with their children.”
Fascinating racial, cultural, and sexual orientation differences….
Diversity in academia allows us to ask deeper, richer questions.
Rin Reczek is the author of over 60 articles and chapters, most of which concern LGBTQ families. She’s also the co-editor of “Marriage and Health: The Well-Being of Same-Sex Couples” (Rutgers University Press). Rin took a wider interest in the intersectionality of estrangement and cut-offs. Here are a few nuggets from the data:
Black adult children were 27 % less likely to be estranged from their mothers than white kids. Reczek adds that the study confirmed previous research showing that Black mothers are a “uniquely stable feature” in U.S. families.
However, Black and Latino children were more likely to report having a cut-off with their dads in comparison to white kids..
Additionally, the study found gay, lesbian, and bisexual children were no different from heterosexuals when it comes to the relationships they have with their moms. Moms rule!
Unfortunately, adult gay and lesbian children were substantially more likely (86%) to have a poor relationship with their dads, compared to heterosexual adults. Bisexuals were also three times more likely to be estranged from their dads than straight adult kids.
When do children reconcile with their parents?
On average, adult children who engage in cut-offs will tend to become estranged from their dads for the first time at age 23, and from their moms by the age of 26. Researchers say the transition into early adulthood is the driving factor.
“Early adulthood is full of transitions such as college, new jobs, marriage, parenthood, all of which can help lead to estrangement or, in some cases, protect against it,” Rin commented.
Another significant finding was that married or divorced adult children were both more likely to be estranged from their parents than single children.
However, once they have their own kids, it lowered the risk of cut-off among adult children and fathers — but not mothers. Also, parents who were older, and still working, and fathers with higher levels of education, were far less likely to be estranged from their kids.
“It may be that when parents are employed and fathers are highly educated, they can provide more support to their adult children and that puts less strain on the parent-child ties,” Reczek posited..
The Ohio State research team believes that kid are also less likely to be estranged from their parents during old age, because the feeling of responsible for parental caregiving is a robust concern. However, researchers could identify any specific reason for why adult children eventually repair with their estranged parents.
“We can’t tell from this data why estrangements ended and whether these relationships were permanent after they got back together,” Reczek commented. “But it was surprising to me how many estrangements did end.”
This study was funded by grants from the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, and from the National Institute on Aging.
RESEARCH:
. Bosley-Smith, E.* & Reczek, R. [Equal authors] (Forthcoming) “Why LGBTQ Adults Keep Ambivalent Ties with Parents: Theorizing ‘Solidarity Rationales.’” Social Problems.
Rin Reczek et al, Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality, Journal of Marriage and Family (2022). DOI: 10.1111/jomf.12898 Journal information: Journal of Marriage and Family
Reczek, R. & Bosley-Smith, E.* (2021) “How LGBTQ Adults Maintain Ties with Rejecting Parents: Theorizing Conflict Work” Journal of Marriage and Family, 83: 1134-1153.
Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J., Coleman, J., Wang, J., & Yan, J. J. (2021). Mothers’ attributions for estrangement from their adult children. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000198
