How long does a parental estrangement typically last? Wrong question!
Sunday, 6/25/23 6:10 pm. Chicago airport. Stranded on the wrong side of the weather. I don’t know it yet, but It will take me 12 hours to get home. I’ve been reading about, and researching parental estrangement. I’ve got 4 hours to kill. Why not write a new blog post?
Notice this topic in our popular culture and media. Parental estrangement is about to become a thing… and, as usual, our culture will focus on one thing…relief.
Preview of coming cultural attractions: You’ll hear all sorts of authoritative numbers on how long parental estrangement lasts from very impressive studies.
You will see a hodgepodge of confusing timelines for cutoffs from either mom or dad. You won’t see how can you even use this information, except for wishful thinking.
It’s all bullsh*t, as far as you can tell. And you’ d be right.
Family estrangement, and parental estrangement in particular has become an epidemic in recent times. The fact is, how long your estrangement may last is a “your mileage may vary” kind of question.
How long will your estrangement from your adult child last?
Here are 6 Factors You Should be Considering Instead of this Profoundly Unhelpful Question:
Your Child’s Personality and Temperament. If your child is connection oriented, they will more probably explore reasons to repair with you. But if they have a rigid approach, or if they’re unusually headstrong, differentiated, or angry at you, they they’ll probably be more challenging to engage with. Another factor about their temperament is how it has historically responded to yours. We now better understand how the genetic inheritance of temperament and cognitive architecture express (ND vs.NT) themselves in family of origin dynamics.
Life Cycle Phase. Busy young people, on threshold of adulthood, will not be as mindful about repairing a cut-off with a parent. Estranged parents can lose sight of the fact that young adults don’t want to invest or energy to spend jawboning through old hurts and wounds. Young adults are present and future oriented they’re excitedly oriented towards their future— their education, friend circle budding romances, living situations, novel opportunities, etc.
A key element in why it may take months or years to heal an estrangement, is the fact that an early stage adults’ priorities typically don’t include looking behind and cleaning up complicated resentments with a parent.
They may even feel more loving toward you than you suspect, but the striving to build an independent life is captivating and alluring for most healthy young people.
You may be surprised to hear this, but estranged adult children experience near constant pressure to reconcile with their parents. There are two separate types of pressure on your child.
External Social Pressure. We Americans love families. We keep making new ones. From a social “tell me about yourself” perspective, your kid will probably never truly be “comfortable” being cut-off from you.
Curiosity and criticism about the cut-off may come from your kid’s romantic partner, in-laws, friends, coworkers, and even less important people who might casually ask about their family. Despite the fact that estrangement is a growing problem, as a culture, we tend to be a bit judgemental.
Emotional Inner Pressure. Kids are rarely sanguine about cut-offs and estrangements.There’s often anxiety in cut-offs, even when they orchestrated the cutoff in the first place. Research tells us that estranged adult children often second guess the wisdom of the cut-off. Was I being a jerk? Could I have handled that differently? Research tells us that some adult children struggle with self-doubt, and intrusive thoughts about the estrangement continuously.
The Simple Fact of Moving through Time. Time flows, and sweeps everything away. The passing of time may dim the memory of resentments and harsh words formerly spoken. The passing of time often means the accretion of wisdom. New perspectives arrive with changing circumstances change and tables turn. One thing is for certain, You and your child will both change and shift perspectives as you move through time.
How You Show Up in All of This. Stay emotionally regulated. Getting upset usually exacerbates the situation. You can’t force the acceleration of a repair, but you sure as sh*t can slow it down to a crawl. The worse move is to focus on the “unfairness,” while being oblivious to their issues with you.
Best practices for managing an incipient cut-off
If your adult child has asked for no contact, oblige them, please!
Contacting an adult child who is distancing from you who has asked for space is a sure way to p*ss them off, and drive them even further away from you. It will also extend the cut-off, because you’re ignoring what they’re asking for. Comply…don’t complain.
If your adult child is showing withdrawing behaviors, it’s helpful to be curious instead of furious. Ask about their complaints in detail. Curb your defensiveness. You can only begin to understand what went wrong, if you shut up and listen thoughtfully.
Ask what they want instead. Get a clearer vision of their dilemma by asking good, generative questions.
Adult children don’t cut-off from their parents capriciously. There’s an inventory of issues you’ll need to master. If your adult child is cutting you off, you’ve got to be a curious, regulated parent who will be willing to discuss their complaints about you.
Parents and personal growth
It’s interesting just how unseen the issues of adult children can be. In most cases, there’s something invisible to the parent, that bothers the child about the relationship. When you’re on the wrong end of a cut-off, it’s time for a long, dark night of the soul.
Let me cover a few more key points:
As I Said Earlier, Please Don’t Contact an Adult Child Who’s Expressly Asked for No Contact. Respect their wishes. Put down your shovel. Stop digging the hole!
How Do You Handle Your emotions? Notice them. How Does Your Adult Child Handle Their Emotions? Learn to recognize, tolerate, maybe even accept the feelings that come over you. Let them pass through, but subject them to your curiosity and scrutiny
Shore up your Support System. Just because you’re estranged from your adult child doesn’t mean your are bereft, unloved and isolated.
Hang out with family and friends who love you. But be careful about how you recruit your support system as a sounding board for your complaints about the cut-off with your adult child. Don’t try to turn your support system against your estranged adult chid..
Get a Good Therapist Who Knows Something About Family Estrangement.
Estrangement in families is something we’re keenly aware of. How you show up through all of this is the most salient factor in how long you’ll be enduring a cut-off. If you don’t do the work, and really try to understand your child’s point of view, even if the estrangement ends, your lack of any real effort will render you vulnerable to another estrangement event.
Take Yourself On.
Let’s pretend that your adult child has very profound reasons for feeling estranged from you. If you can roll up your sleeves and get curious, you can unpack what needs to change, and eventually put your parent-adult child relationship back on track. Be patient, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Lucy Blake, “Parents and Children Who Are Estranged in Adulthood: A Review and Discussion of the Literature,” Journal of Family Theory and Review 9 (December 2017): 528.
Richard P. Conti, “Family Estrangement: Establishing a Prevalence Rate,” Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Science 3, No. 2 (December 2015): 34.
Kristina Scharp and Rachel M. McLaren, “Uncertainty Issues and Management in Adult Children’s Stories of Their Estrangement with Their Parents,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 35, No. 6 (2017): 812
