What Couples Miss When They Stop Noticing Each Other

Wednesday, March 26, 2025

Some couples fade. Others implode. And a few simply evaporate. Not with a bang, but with a quiet fade—like a candle flickering out in a room that used to be full of light.

And often, it begins when they stop noticing each other.

Not the noticing of chore completion or whose turn it is with the carpool.

Not the noticing that comes with judgment or scorekeeping.

I’m talking about the other kind—the kind that says, I still see you. You still matter. Your inner world is worth tracking.

The Power of Being Seen

We don’t fall in love because someone analyzes us correctly. We fall in love because someone notices us—sometimes in the smallest, most human ways.

They hear our laugh across a room and smile.
They ask about our awful coworker without being prompted.
They remember the exact way we like our coffee.

This kind of attention doesn’t show up in grand declarations. It shows up in micro-moments—what psychologist John Gottman famously calls “bids for connection.” And when those bids are noticed and responded to, couples stay close. When they’re missed or ignored? Disconnection begins.

The Silent Cost of Unnoticed Bids

Dr. Gottman’s research shows that couples who remain emotionally connected respond to each other’s bids for attention more than 80% of the time. Couples heading for divorce? Closer to 30%. (Gottman & Silver, 1999)

That’s a huge gap. And here’s what it looks like in real life:

• One partner sighs loudly. The other doesn't ask why.

• A funny story is met with a distracted “uh-huh.”

• A shared memory is raised—and met with blankness.

Eventually, the partner stops offering the bids altogether. Why risk being unseen?

What couples miss when they stop noticing each other isn’t just the facts of daily life. It’s the emotional lifeline those facts are braided into.

What Gets Missed (And Why It Matters)

When couples stop noticing each other, they miss:

• Emotional Weather Changes. They miss when the other is spiraling, grieving, quietly celebrating.

• Initiations of Connection. They miss flirtation, affection, humor, play.

• Cues for Repair. They miss the reaching out after a fight, the small olive branches.

• Early Signs of Resentment. And by the time it’s spoken out loud, it’s usually too late—it’s become contempt. I’ve seen this up close. It’s ugly.

From a neurological perspective, this isn’t just sad—it’s dysregulating.

Our nervous systems rely on co-regulation through cues of safety and connection.

When those cues disappear, the body assumes danger. We move into fight, flight, or shut down—often within the relationship itself (Porges, 2011).

Why Couples Stop Noticing

The reasons are rarely malicious. Instead, they’re human:

• Chronic Stress

• Technology Saturation

• Resentment Buildup

• Role Fatigue (Parent, Provider, Caregiver…)

• Neurodiverse Differences in Expression and Attention

Even love can be worn thin by bandwidth.

One partner may be performing the “duties” of love—cooking, earning, parenting—while failing to notice the person beside them has grown lonely.

The Myth of the Obvious

A common trap: “If they wanted me to know how they felt, they’d tell me.”

But people rarely shout their most vulnerable needs. We whisper them. We test the waters. We hint. We hope.

Couples who thrive learn to listen beneath the literal. To track the subtle. To say, “You’ve been quieter this week. Are you holding something in?”

Not because they’re psychic. Because they’ve made noticing a practice.

The Slow Fade of Intimacy and How to Reverse It

How to Start Noticing Again

Here are a few rituals to rekindle the art of noticing:

The 10-Second Glance

Once a day, look at your partner for 10 seconds with the sole purpose of seeing. No agenda. Just gaze with presence. You might be shocked at what you’ve forgotten to admire.

Emotional Check-Ins

Not “how was your day?” but “what’s been on your mind the most lately?” or “what emotion showed up for you today?”

Micro-Reunions

Greet each other like dogs greet their humans. Okay, maybe not with tail wagging, but with genuine joy. That moment of reconnection after being apart matters more than you think.

Name It When You See It

Notice out loud: “You’ve been putting in so much effort lately.” Or, “You looked distracted at dinner—anything going on?”

We all long to be named in this way.

For Neurodiverse Couples: Noticing as Translation

In neurodiverse partnerships, noticing requires extra curiosity.

One partner may not show distress in neuro-normative ways. The other may miss indirect cues. This isn’t a failure—it’s an invitation to ask, clarify, and adapt.

Profound noticing here means: “I want to understand your cues, even if they don’t match mine.” It’s the ultimate act of love across difference.

The Good News: It’s Reversible

When couples start noticing again, the shift can be startling. Laughter returns. Sex sometimes follows. So does forgiveness.

You don’t have to fix everything at once. Just begin by noticing again— bestow attentionwith presence, with patience, with awe.

Because when we notice each other, we remember:

This is a person I chose.
This is a person who still wants to be seen.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishing Group.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.