The Art of Profound Noticing: How Attention Heals Relationships and Reveals the Sacred

Wednesday, March 26, 2025.

We navigate an age of dopamine loops and disappearing attention spans, where even our to-do lists have to be optimized for virality, there's something quietly radical about paying deep, sustained attention to one another.

Not scrolling, not diagnosing, not self-optimizing—just noticing. Profoundly. Tenderly. Without agenda. Bestowed attention.

As a couples therapist, I spend my days in the land of half-heard complaints and misunderstood glances. But when a couple stumbles into what I call profound noticing, something shifts.

Tension thaws. The room softens.

One partner says to the other, “You looked so tired when you walked in, I wondered if something hard happened at work.” And suddenly, we are no longer talking about chores or mismatched libidos—we are talking about mattering.

What Is Profound Noticing?

Profound noticing isn’t just about paying attention—it’s about bearing witness with reverence. It’s about seeing your partner not as a task to be managed or a puzzle to be solved, but as a living, shifting being with an inner world worth respecting.

It’s the opposite of tuning out or jumping to solutions. Profound noticing might look like:

• Noticing the tremor in your partner’s voice when they say they’re “fine.”

• Pausing when your child hovers nearby, sensing they need something—but not rushing them.

• Observing your own emotional weather system with curiosity instead of judgment.

Profound noticing is sacred attention. It doesn’t rush. It doesn’t fix. It sees.

Why It Matters in Relationships

If love is a verb, then noticing is its earliest conjugation.

According to attachment theorist John Bowlby, the human nervous system is wired for connection through responsiveness. When a loved one sees us, tracks us, and responds to our subtle signals, our body registers safety. And with safety comes the possibility of growth, repair, even play.

When we stop noticing, relationships flatten.

Misunderstandings and bitter resentments pile up like unopened mail.

Over time, once beloved partners become roles—The Nag, The Pothead, The Lazy Cow, etc.

But when we deeply notice each other, we reanimate the original reason we fell in love: this person is singular, irreducible, and worthy of wonder.

The Science Behind the Sacred

Neuroscience backs this up.

Studies in interpersonal neurobiology show that when one person attunes to another—tracking their tone, gestures, facial expressions—it stimulates the vagus nerve, calming the body and increasing oxytocin, the so-called “bonding hormone” (Porges, 2011; Cozolino, 2014).

This is not romantic fluff. It’s biology. We feel better when we are noticed, and we act better, too.

Psychologist Lisa Feldman Barrett (2017) argues that emotions aren’t just internal states—they are constructed through our interactions. Profound noticing helps co-construct emotions that are less reactive, more nuanced, and more deeply human.

Profound Noticing as a Spiritual Practice

Let’s be honest: we don’t always want to notice.

Noticing means slowing down, and in our hustle-saturated culture, slowness can feel like failure. Noticing also risks empathy—what if we don’t like what we see?

But that’s where the sacred comes in.

Noticing, in its deepest form, is a kind of spiritual discipline.

It invites us to get curious before we get critical. To make room for mystery. To acknowledge that the person in front of us might be suffering in a way we don’t fully understand—and might never fully fix.

As Richard Rohr puts it, “We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.” Profound noticing is the beginning of that living.

How to Practice Profound Noticing in Daily Life

It doesn’t require incense or a therapist's couch. It starts in the micro-moments:

• Before Reacting, ask yourself: “What might I be missing?”

• During Conflict, shift from “What’s wrong with them?” to “What might they be protecting?”

• In Silence, practice noticing your own body without trying to change it.

You don’t need to narrate everything you notice.

In fact, restraint is often part of the art.

But bringing your attention—fully, without multitasking—is enough to shift the emotional landscape.

For Neurodiverse Couples: The Double Gift of Noticing

For neurodiverse relationships, profound noticing is not just helpful—it’s often essential.

When communication styles differ, noticing body language, eye contact, tone, or sensory overload cues becomes the glue that holds things together.

It’s not about becoming mind-readers. It’s about becoming mind-feelers—willing to slow down and check in before assuming.

Neurodiverse couples who practice this art often report less miscommunication, more humor, and a greater sense of shared reality.

The Moral Nervous System

Profound noticing is, in a way, a moral act.

It honors the truth that each person is an unrepeatable expression of life.

When we stop noticing, we dehumanize. When we start again, we participate in repair—not just of our relationships, but of our whole culture.

The poet Mary Oliver famously wrote: “To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work.”

It may not be easy. It may not always be effective. But in a distracted world, it might just be the most loving thing you can do.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Barrett, L. F. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Cozolino, L. (2014). The neuroscience of human relationships: Attachment and the developing social brain. W. W. Norton & Company.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Rohr, R. (2011). Falling upward: A spirituality for the two halves of life. Jossey-Bass.

Oliver, M. (2008). Red bird: Poems. Beacon Press.