Narcissists Love Gossip—Even When It’s Bad: What This Reveals About Attention, Identity, and the Human Need to Matter

Wednesday, March 26, 2025.

As a couples therapist, I sometimes tell clients that gossip is the social glue we love to hate.

It feels icky when it’s about us, but strangely bonding when we’re doing it about others.

So when new research out of Self & Identity revealed that some folks actually enjoy being gossiped about—especially when the gossip is negative—I had to dig deeper.

It turns out, narcissistic men may not just tolerate gossip—they prefer it over being ignored.

That’s right.

According to five studies conducted by Andrew H. Hales, Meltem Yucel, and Selma C. Rudert, most people still dislike being the subject of gossip.

But a distinct minority, especially those high in narcissistic traits, actually find negative attention preferable to no attention at all.

Let’s pause there.

That’s not just a fun fact to bring up at brunch.

That’s a window into the developmental architecture of self-worth—and what happens when the craving for attention outweighs the desire for authenticity.

When Being Talked About Feels Better Than Being Invisible

The studies—ranging from nationally representative samples to college students—posed a simple question: Would you rather be talked about (positively, negatively, or ambiguously)… or not mentioned at all?

Turns out, 64% of people prefer positive gossip to being excluded entirely.

Understandable. We all want to be admired. But here’s the twist: 15% said they preferred negative gossip over being ignored.

That’s not just insecurity. That’s a hunger for relevance so powerful that even criticism feels better than social invisibility.

And this hunger? It’s not evenly distributed. Men, especially those scoring higher in narcissism, were far more likely to want to be talked about—positively or negatively. They preferred ambiguous gossip too, which suggests that for some, the meaning of the chatter is less important than being the center of it.

Narcissism, Exclusion, and the Currency of Attention

The implications here are enormous.

Narcissistic traits—particularly the fragile, attention-seeking kind—seem to invert our usual social wiring.

Most of us associate gossip with shame. But for the narcissistic personality, gossip becomes a proxy for significance.

From a family systems perspective, it’s as if the narcissist’s internal narrative says: “If I’m being discussed, I exist. I matter.”

This links directly to the developmental experiences many narcissists report—childhoods filled with conditional love, inconsistent mirroring, or roles in which they had to earn affection through performance. When a sense of core worth doesn’t get built from the inside out, attention from the outside becomes oxygen. Even if it’s laced with criticism.

It’s also telling that people who experience chronic social exclusion (rather than brief moments of being left out) were more likely to tolerate or even welcome gossip.

Their desire to be seen—by anyone, in any form—echoes the same desperate architecture. Relevance, even at a cost.

What This Means for Relationships (and Therapy)

Here’s why this matters: in couples therapy, I often see one partner baffled by the other’s apparent indifference to reputation, or even their ability to provoke gossip as if it’s a social strategy.

“He doesn’t care what people think,” one partner might say. But sometimes the truth is more nuanced: he cares so much, he’s willing to be seen as ‘bad’ just to be seen at all.

This can create real disconnection.

One partner may be trying to cultivate a quiet life of mutual respect, while the other stirs social waters just to feel alive.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who seems to chase attention—even negative attention—this research may offer some insight. Narcissistic traits aren’t just about vanity. They often stem from unmet attachment needs, distorted by early developmental wounds.

It’s not about excusing the behavior. It’s about understanding the why—and using that understanding to build new conversations around identity, self-worth, and how we show up for each other.

Let’s Talk About the Gossip Gap

Studies 4 and 5 in the series revealed another fascinating disconnect: people overestimate how much others want to be talked about positively, but they accurately gauge how much others hate negative gossip.

In other words, we think our praise is welcome (it often is), but we still intuit that gossip hurts. And for most people, it does.

The fact that a few outliers welcome negative gossip doesn’t mean it’s healthy—or that we should gossip more freely. But it does remind us that not all attention is processed the same way.

This distinction matters deeply in families, friend groups, and workplaces—especially with those who perform their identity rather than simply live it. It’s easy to label someone as toxic. But when we look underneath, we often find something more tragic: a person trying to control the narrative because they never felt safe being seen any other way.

Final Thoughts: Privacy, Performance, and the Hunger to Matter

This study, “Openness to Being Gossiped About: Understanding Gossip from the Target’s Perspective,” flips the usual moral script around gossip.

It suggests that for a small but significant group—especially men with narcissistic tendencies—being discussed is a form of validation, even when the talk is cruel.

So what’s the therapeutic takeaway?

Don’t assume everyone hates gossip.

Ask how people want to be seen. Ask what being “left out” means to them. Ask what silence feels like.

Because behind the drama, behind the narcissism, behind the craving to be talked about—there’s often a child who didn’t get seen when it mattered most.

And sometimes, gossip is just the grown-up version of yelling into the void: Do I matter to you at all?

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Hales, A. H., Yucel, M., & Rudert, S. C. (2024). Openness to Being Gossiped About: Understanding Gossip from the Target’s Perspective. Self & Identity.