The Last Gottman Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Post You Will Ever Have To Read
Thursday, March 13, 2025, This is for Dave & Petia in Bulgaria.
For centuries, people have insisted that love is some great, unquantifiable mystery, a force that moves in ways beyond human comprehension.
Then John Gottman came along with his research lab, a lot of cameras, and a disturbing ability to predict which couples would make it and which ones were already emotionally circling the drain.
It turns out love is neither magic nor fate—it’s a series of measurable interactions.
After studying thousands of couples, Gottman identified four behaviors so lethal to relationships that their presence—without intervention—practically guarantees divorce with over 90% accuracy (Gottman & Levenson, 1992).
He called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
If you want your relationship to resemble the Roman Empire in its final days, indulge in all four.
They don’t kill relationships with a single catastrophic blow; they erode, corrode, and disintegrate love bit by bit, like acid on metal. What makes them particularly insidious is that they don’t look like signs of impending doom.
They sort of look normal.
They feel like everyday familiar conversations.
Which means couples often don’t realize they’ve been slowly poisoning their relationship until one day, they wake up next to someone they barely like.
Romanticized Myths That the Four Horsemen Obliterate
This research is unnerving because it crushes some deeply cherished illusions, particularly the myth of catharsis—the idea that venting your frustrations, having explosive fights, and airing every grievance will somehow purge your relationship of negativity.
It won’t.
In fact, the research suggests that it’s not the big fights that kill relationships—it’s the slow accumulation of unresolved negativity over time.
This means that a couple could scream at each other once a month and survive, but a couple who engages in mild contempt daily is essentially setting fire to their marriage with a box of damp matches.
The Four Horsemen of Divorce: How Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling Slowly Dismantle Love
Let’s look at each of the Four Horsemen and how they function like a slow-acting poison.
Criticism: The First Domino
People assume that a troubled relationship is one where the partners fight a lot. But conflict itself isn’t a red flag—it’s how that conflict plays out that matters.
The first Horseman, Criticism, is especially dangerous because it doesn’t feel that toxic. It often pretends to be helpful feedback but is, in reality, an attack on a partner’s character.
The distinction is subtle but crucial:
A complaint: “I was worried when you didn’t call to say you’d be late.”
A criticism: “You never think about anyone but yourself.”
One expresses a concern; the other is a verdict on a person’s moral worth.
Gottman’s research found that criticism is the gateway to worse behaviors (Gottman, 1999). It escalates tension, it invites defensiveness, and—worst of all—it often leads directly to its nastier cousin: contempt.
Defensiveness: The Self-Sabotage Reflex
Once criticism is blurted, Defensiveness parries. Defensiveness is the refusal to take responsibility for anything in a conflict.
It comes in two popular flavors:
Counterattacking:
“Oh, I forgot to take out the trash? Well, you never do the dishes, so what’s your point?”
Victimhood:
“I work all day, and now I have to be perfect at home, too?”
Defensiveness blocks repair attempts, which are crucial to maintaining healthy relationships (Gottman & Levenson, 1999). If every conflict turns into a courtroom battle where each partner is trying to win, the relationship itself loses.
Fincham & Beach (1999) found that defensiveness is especially destructive in distressed marriages because it shifts the couple’s mindset: instead of seeing each other as allies, they start treating each other as opponents.
Contempt: The Nuclear Option
Criticism wounds a partner. Contempt destroys them.
Contempt isn’t just frustration or irritation—it is a deep, simmering disgust for your partner. It says:
“You’re beneath me.”
It looks like:
Eye-rolling
Mocking
Sarcasm that drips with condescension
Dismissive gestures (“Ugh, whatever”)
Gottman found that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Why? Because contempt kills admiration, and admiration is the bedrock of long-term love (Carrere & Gottman, 1999).
And it gets worse: contempt doesn’t just destroy relationships—it weakens your immune system.
One study found that people in contempt-heavy relationships are more likely to get sick (Kiecolt-Glaser et al., 2005). Because nothing says “healthy relationship” like needing antibiotics after an argument.
Stonewalling: The Silent Divorce
If contempt is fury, stonewalling is apathy.
Stonewalling happens when one partner emotionally shuts down and withdraws. It looks like:
Minimal responses (“Uh-huh.”)
Avoiding eye contact
Physically leaving a conversation
Tuning out entirely
And here’s a fascinating gender difference: men stonewall more than women—85% of the time in heterosexual relationships (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Why? Because men’s nervous systems get flooded faster in conflict, meaning they disengage to prevent further stress (Levenson et al., 1993).
But stonewalling feels like abandonment to the other partner. Over time, it turns the relationship into a cold, silent wasteland where nothing gets resolved and both partners feel alone.
Can the Four Horsemen Be Reversed?
Yes, but only if couples actively work against them. The antidotes require effort, awareness, and a willingness to do the opposite of what feels instinctual in the moment.
Replace Criticism with a Gentle Start-Up
Gottman found that how a conflict begins predicts how it will end. Instead of attacking, use I-statements and express needs clearly.
Instead of “You never listen to me.”
Try “I feel unheard when I try to share something important.”
Replace Contempt with a Calmly Stating Your Needs and Preferences.
Gottman’s research found that couples who express admiration regularly are far more resilient. Even small expressions of gratitude rewire emotional perception over time (Ochsner & Gross, 2005).
Replace Defensiveness with Admitting mode, if not Radical Ownership
Taking even a little responsibility can de-escalate conflict.
Instead of “I’m always the bad guy, huh?”
Try “I see your point. I should have told you I’d be late.”
Replace Stonewalling with Self-Soothing
If you’re overwhelmed, politely express the preferences for taking a half-hour break—but commit to returning afterward.
Engage in deep breathing, a short walk, or calming activities before re-engaging.
The Four Horsemen Are Not Destiny—But They Are Warnings
Most people assume relationships collapse in big, dramatic moments. But the research says otherwise:
It’s not the shouting matches—it’s the erosion of kindness.
It’s not one mistake—it’s the absence of repair.
It’s not lack of love—it’s lack of respect.
Love, in the end, isn’t about never fighting. It’s about learning how to fight well, repair often, and never stop seeing each other as allies rather than adversaries.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Carrere, S., & Gottman, J. M. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family Process, 38(3), 293–301. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1999.00293.x
Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. (1999). Conflict in marriage: Implications for working with couples. Annual Review of Psychology, 50(1), 47–77. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.50.1.47
Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes.Psychology Press.
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically-based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1983). The social psychophysiology of marriage: Physiological linkage and affective exchange. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 45(1), 95–104. https://doi.org/10.2307/351302
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1999). How stable is marital interaction over time? Family Process, 38(2), 159–165. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1999.00159.x
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Gottman, J. M. (2015). Principia Amoris: The new science of love. Routledge.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company.
Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K., Bane, C., Glaser, R., & Malarkey, W. B. (2003). Love, marriage, and the immune system: Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(3), 732–741. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00732.x
Levenson, R. W., & Carstensen, L. L. (1993). Long-term marriage: Age, gender, and satisfaction. Psychology and Aging, 8(2), 301–313. https://doi.org/10.1037/0882-7974.8.2.301
Moll, J., Oliveira-Souza, R., Garrido, G., & Bramati, I. (2014). Disgust as a neural system for moral cognition. Neuroethics, 7(1), 29–42. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12152-013-9180-2
Ochsner, K. N., & Gross, J. J. (2005). The cognitive control of emotion. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 9(5), 242–249. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2005.03.010
Rogge, R. D., Bradbury, T. N., Hahlweg, K., Engl, J., & Thurmaier, F. (2006). Predicting marital distress and dissolution: Refining the two-factor hypothesis. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 156–159. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.20.1.156
Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Attachment theory and close relationships. Guilford Press.