The Hidden Work of Love: Why Keeping a Relationship Thriving is a Full-Time Job

Sunday, March 2, 2025.

Love is a marathon, not a sprint (and you’re both carrying groceries).

At some point in every long-term relationship, there comes a shocking revelation: love isn’t self-sustaining. That intoxicating early romance? It fades.

The “spark” everyone talks about? It’s not actually lost—it just got buried under laundry, mortgage payments, and a vague but ever-present resentment over the way your partner loads the dishwasher.

This isn’t because love is a cruel trick of evolution, baiting us into pair-bonding only to dump us into emotional entropy.

It’s because relationships require work, and not the glamorous kind you see in rom-coms where a grand gesture fixes everything in the third act.

It’s the quiet, daily, hidden labor that keeps love alive—work that often goes unrecognized, undervalued, and, unfortunately, unequally distributed.

The question is: Why does maintaining a relationship feel like a full-time job? And how can we make sure it doesn’t turn into unpaid emotional labor?

Let’s unpack what social science has to say about the hidden work of love, why it’s necessary, and how to make it a little less exhausting.

The Emotional Labor of Love (Yes, It’s a Thing)

One of the most significant but invisible aspects of relationship maintenance is emotional labor—the work of managing emotions, anticipating needs, and regulating the emotional climate of the relationship.

Sociologist Arlie Hochschild (1983) first coined the term emotional labor in the workplace, describing how flight attendants and service workers must regulate their emotions to create a pleasant experience for customers. But researchers soon recognized that emotional labor isn’t limited to jobs—it happens in relationships, too (Strazdins, 2000).

Who’s Doing the Most Emotional Labor?

No surprises here, It’s women.

Studies have consistently found that in heterosexual relationships, women perform a disproportionate amount of emotional labor—remembering birthdays, managing social calendars, resolving conflicts, and anticipating their partner’s needs before they even articulate them (Allen & Hawkins, 1999).

One study found that women in dual-earner households still performed two to three times as much relationship maintenance work as their male partners (Carroll et al., 2013). That means even if both partners have demanding jobs, women are more likely to be the ones saying, "We should really plan a date night" or "I feel like we haven't connected lately."

But before men start feeling unfairly accused, research also shows that same-sex couples tend to distribute emotional labor more equitably—suggesting that cultural gender norms, rather than biology, are at play (Umberson, Thomeer, & Lodge, 2015).

The Relationship as a Living Organism (That Needs Feeding and Watering)

Think of your relationship like a houseplant.

• If you neglect it for too long, it wilts.

• If you smother it with attention in a panicked attempt to save it, it rots.

• If you assume it’ll just take care of itself, it dies.

John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, famously found that successful couples engage in small but frequent acts of connection—what he calls bids for attention (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

In a study of newlyweds, Gottman found that couples who stayed together responded to their partner’s bids 87% of the time, while those who eventually divorced only responded 33% of the time. This means that keeping a relationship alive isn’t about big, dramatic gestures—it’s about daily micro-moments of connection.

• Your partner tells a bad joke? Laugh.

• They sigh after a long day? Ask about it.

• They show you a random dog video? Engage with it, even if you don't care about golden retrievers that much.

These moments may seem small, but they are the water and sunlight keeping your relationship healthy.

Resentment: The Toxic Byproduct of Invisible Work

When the hidden labor of love isn’t acknowledged or shared equally, resentment creeps in—quietly, slowly, and then suddenly, all at once.

Psychologist Eli Finkel (2017) found that modern marriages demand more emotional support than ever before, as partners look to each other for not just companionship, but deep emotional fulfillment.

Yet, when one partner feels like they’re doing all the work to maintain that connection, they start to resent the relationship itself.

Signs you might be carrying too much of the hidden work of love:
✔ You’re the only one planning date nights or “relationship check-ins.”
✔ You remember all important family birthdays and social events.
✔ You’re constantly monitoring your partner’s mood and adjusting accordingly.
✔ You initiate 90% of deep emotional conversations.

Left unchecked, resentment turns into emotional withdrawal—the point at which you stop investing because you feel like it’s pointless.

So, how do we rebalance the hidden work of love?

Rebalancing the Workload: Making Love a Team Effort

Make Emotional Labor Visible

Psychologist Kate Mangino (2022) suggests that one of the biggest hurdles in redistributing relationship labor is that many partners don’t even realize it's happening.

Solution: Start naming the work. Instead of just planning the next weekend getaway, say, "I’d love it if you could take the lead on organizing this one."

Stop Confusing Spontaneity with Effortlessness

There’s a persistent myth that great relationships shouldn’t feel like work. That’s some new American cultural nonsense. Long-term love isn’t automatic—it’s built. And that’s okay.

Reframe effort as investment rather than obligation.

Schedule Relationship Maintenance (Yes, Really)

A 2020 study on long-term couples found that those who had structured time to connect (weekly or monthly relationship check-ins) reported higher satisfaction and lower conflict (Rogge & Cobb, 2020).

It sounds unromantic, but love thrives on structure. Want more intimacy? Put it on the calendar.

If You Want Something, Ask for It (No Mind-Reading Required)

Many partners don’t contribute more simply because they assume everything is fine. Instead of expecting them to noticewhat needs doing, be explicit.

Want them to plan a date night? Say, "I’d love it if you surprised me with a date next weekend."

Want them to check in emotionally more often? Say, "I’d really appreciate if you asked me how I’m feeling more."

Love is Work, But That’s What Makes It Meaningful

At the end of the day, relationships do require labor—but so do all meaningful things.

Marriage, long-term love, and deep commitment are not set-it-and-forget-it investments. They are ongoing, evolving projects that require emotional maintenance, attention, and care.

And the good news? When done good enough, this work isn’t a burden—it’s a source of profound connection and joy.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Allen, S. M., & Hawkins, A. J. (1999). Maternal gatekeeping: Mothers' beliefs and behaviors that inhibit greater father involvement in family work. Journal of Marriage and Family, 61(1), 199-212.

Carroll, J. S., Hill, E. J., Yorgason, J. B., Larson, J. H., & Sandberg, J. G. (2013). Couples’ emotional intimacy: The role of self and partner emotion work. Journal of Family Psychology, 27(1), 15-25.

Finkel, E. J. (2017). The all-or-nothing marriage: How the best marriages work. Dutton.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.

Mangino, K. (2022). Equal partners: Improving gender equity at home. St. Martin's Press.

Umberson, D., Thomeer, M. B., & Lodge, A. C. (2015). Intimacy and emotion work in lesbian, gay, and heterosexual relationships. Journal of Marriage and Family, 77(2), 542-556.