Can I Stop Wanting Sex If My Wife’s Chronic Pain Makes Intimacy Impossible?
Sunday March 2, 2025.
Dear Daniel,
I’ve been struggling with depression for some time, but thankfully, I have a strong support system, a great therapist, and a beautiful, loving wife, Celeste.
My therapist suggested we explore our love languages to better understand each other, and it was an eye-opener.
Turns out, physical touch is a major part of how I feel loved (42% on the quiz!)—which makes perfect sense to me. The problem? My wife has fibromyalgia, and touch is often painful for her.
She does what she can—placing her hand over mine, quick pecks on the cheek—but if I’m honest, it feels like trying to survive in a desert with just a few drops of water. It absolutely sucks for me.
Beyond this, our relationship is solid.
We communicate well, spend time together, and support each other.
She was the one who encouraged me to talk to you, as you helped her sister and my brother-in-law.
Daniel, Celeste is my biggest advocate.
But intimacy—deep, connected physical affection—is almost nonexistent. We have sex just a few times a year, and even passionate kissing is rare. I feel lost.
I don’t want to pressure her, and I don’t want to become resentful. I just want to be the best partner I can be. How do I stop wanting physical intimacy? Is that even possible?
Sincerely,
Phillip
The Short Answer: You Can’t Simply ‘Turn Off’ a Fundamental Need
Phillip, let’s start with this: You are not broken for wanting intimacy. You’re not shallow, selfish, or failing as a partner just because this need persists.
And, unfortunately, you can’t just rewire yourself to stop wanting sex and touch. Research on human attachment and intimacy confirms that these needs are biological, not just emotional (Diamond, 2013).
Studies have found that physical touch and sexual intimacy are essential to emotional bonding because they trigger the release of oxytocin, the “bonding hormone” (Feldman, 2012).
Oxytocin lowers stress, increases trust, and promotes relationship satisfaction (Uvnas-Moberg et al., 2014).
Couples in long-term relationships who engage in frequent affectionate touch report higher levels of relationship security and lower levels of loneliness (Gulledge et al., 2003). The pain of being deprived of physical intimacy isn’t just about sex—it’s about connection, reassurance, and emotional closeness (Muise et al., 2018).
So, what happens when a person denies themselves this need?
Emotional Detachment – Partners in sexless marriages often withdraw emotionally over time, feeling more like roommates than lovers (Baucom et al., 2015).
Increased Anxiety & Depression – Studies confirm that a lack of physical intimacy correlates with higher rates of anxiety and depression (Brody & Costa, 2009).
Resentment & Marital Decline – Long-term sexlessness often breeds resentment, which is one of the strongest predictors of relationship dissatisfaction and eventual divorce (Gottman, 1999).
It’s not a matter of willpower. Asking yourself to stop wanting touch is like asking yourself to stop wanting food or sleep.
The Chronic Pain Factor: What Science Says
Fibromyalgia is a complex and poorly understood condition, and its effects on physical intimacy can be profound. Research shows that up to 90% of spouses with fibromyalgia experience sexual dysfunction due to chronic pain, fatigue, and depression (Kalichman, 2009).
A study published in The Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that women with fibromyalgia reported significantly lower sexual desire, more pain during intercourse, and greater difficulty achieving orgasm compared to healthy controls (Schober et al., 2011).
However, this doesn’t necessarily mean all forms of intimacy are impossible. We need to look closer.
A separate study found that while deep pressure and aggressive movement often exacerbate pain, gentle touch, massage, and slow, rhythmic movements can actually improve Celeste’s fibromyalgia symptoms (Castro-Sánchez et al., 2011).
Additionally, some research suggests that low-intensity sexual activity may help reduce pain sensitivity by triggering the release of endogenous opioids (Drewes et al., 2005).
In other words: Sex and physical affection, when adapted to Celeste’s comfort level, might not only be possible but could actually help her symptoms.
So, the question becomes:
Is there any kind of physical touch that feels good for Celeste?
Can you explore intimacy that prioritizes Celeste’s comfort while also meeting some of your needs?
Redefining Fairness: Whose Needs Matter?
There’s an unspoken assumption in many relationships where one partner has chronic illness:
➡ The sick partner’s comfort should always come first, and the other partner’s needs should be deprioritized.
But is that truly fair?
When a parent has touch aversion, do they refuse to hug their child? Rarely. Many mothers with fibromyalgia still cuddle their kids because they recognize that affection is a fundamental emotional need (Aron, 2013).
Yet, when it comes to marriage, this same instinct often disappears. Why?
The truth is, chronic illness doesn’t automatically eliminate the responsibility to nurture a partner. It requires adaptation, but adaptation doesn’t mean abandonment. I am confident that Celeste has no desire to abandon you.
If you were in her shoes, and you were physically incapable of giving words of affirmation, would it be fair for her to expect you to never say “I love you” again?
Finding a Path Forward
As I see it, Phillip, You and Celeste have 3 fundamental options moving forward:
Couples Therapy & Intimacy Counseling
A therapist can help facilitate honest conversations about intimacy and guide you toward creative solutions. Studies show that solid, science-based couples therapy improves both emotional and sexual satisfaction, even in relationships affected by chronic pain (Bodenmann et al., 2006).
Exploring Non-Sexual Touch
Some fibromyalgia patients tolerate:
Slow, rhythmic massage
Warm baths together
Holding hands
Soft, pressure-free embraces
If sex is off the table, can other forms of intimacy still exist?
Reassessing Your Long-Term Compatibility
If Celeste remains completely unwilling to explore solutions, you will eventually have to ask:
➡ Can I live the rest of my life without physical intimacy?
For some people, love outweighs touch. For others, touch is non-negotiable. Neither stance is wrong—but being honest about managing the conflict is crucial.
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Selfish for Wanting Love
Phillip, your needs matter.
You don’t have to choose between being a good husband to Celeste and being honest about your pain.
You deserve a relationship where both partners' well-being is considered.
That doesn’t mean forcing her into discomfort—but it also doesn’t mean forcing yourself into emotional starvation.
Start with conversation. Then counseling. Then, if necessary, some deeper conversations.
Whatever happens, you are not alone, because Celeste is also engaged and invested.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Aron, E. (2013). The highly sensitive person in love. Broadway Books.
Baucom, D. H., Epstein, N., Rankin, L. A., & Burnett, C. K. (2015). Understanding and treating marital distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 41(4), 478-490.
Brody, S., & Costa, R. M. (2009). Satisfaction with body and sex and frequency of intercourse. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 38(3), 376-387.
Castro-Sánchez, A. M., et al. (2011). Effectiveness of massage therapy in the treatment of fibromyalgia. Clinical Rheumatology, 30(9), 1151-1159.
Diamond, L. M. (2013). Sex, attachment, and love. Personal Relationships, 20(1), 62-68.
Muise, A., et al. (2018). The importance of sexual need fulfillment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(3), 387-403.