BDSM Aftercare: An Idea for Our Times
Sunday, March 2, 2025.
In the BDSM community, “aftercare” is a well-known and cherished practice.
It refers to the tender, intentional care provided to a partner after an intense experience—particularly for a submissive partner who may have been (consensually) physically or emotionally vulnerable during the encounter.
For many, this post-intimacy ritual is as essential as the experience itself, if not more so. But aftercare isn’t just for BDSM.
In fact, for souls with a trauma history, aftercare can be a lifeline—a bridge between past wounds and present love.
Intimacy After Trauma: A Battlefield or a Sanctuary?
For those who have survived childhood abuse—whether physical, sexual, or emotional—or endured an abusive relationship in adulthood, human closeness can be complicated.
Research on attachment theory (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016) shows that early experiences of love and safety shape a person’s ability to trust others. When those early experiences were instead fraught with fear and betrayal, the nervous system learns to associate intimacy with danger.
This is why, for some trauma survivors, relationships can feel like a paradox: they crave closeness but fear it. This contradiction is at the heart of many intimacy struggles.
One moment, they long for touch and reassurance, and the next, they recoil—sometimes even from the same touch they just sought. Their body holds the echoes of past betrayals, making it difficult to relax into the present moment.
Meanwhile, their partner, who likely isn’t a trauma expert (unless they have an uncanny ability to absorb neuroscience while scrolling TikTok), is left bewildered. One day, a hand on the shoulder is reassuring; the next, it triggers a shutdown.
What gives? Is this relationship doomed to a life of mixed signals and unintentional landmines? Not necessarily.
With patience, aftercare, and an understanding of how trauma rewires the brain, intimacy can become a sanctuary rather than a battlefield.
Understanding the Brain: Trauma, Touch, and the Nervous System
Survivors of trauma often have a heightened sensitivity to physical touch.
Neuroscience research has demonstrated that the amygdala—the brain’s fear center—can become hyper-reactive in trauma survivors, leading to an exaggerated fight-or-flight response (Van der Kolk, 2014).
Something as seemingly benign as a touch on the arm might trigger distress if it echoes an abusive memory. This is why survivors often struggle with unpredictability around intimacy.
The very thing that can feel threatening—touch—is also the thing that can help heal.
Studies on affectionate touch (Field, 2014) reveal that regular, non-sexual physical contact lowers cortisol (the stress hormone) and increases oxytocin (the bonding hormone). This means that, over time, safe, loving touch can literally rewire the nervous system to experience intimacy as something safe rather than something threatening.
However, it’s not as simple as just reaching out and expecting your partner to melt into your arms like the final scene in a rom-com. Trauma survivors need touch to be predictable, consensual, and—most importantly—on their terms.
The Essential Role of Non-Sexual Touch
Many people—especially those labeled as having a “low libido”—are not averse to physical connection; they simply need a different approach. Society often frames physical intimacy as a binary: either someone is “into sex,” or they’re not. But this ignores the vast spectrum of human connection. Non-sexual touch can be incredibly healing, particularly for trauma survivors.
Gentle, affectionate touch can transform a person’s relationship to physicality, helping them rewire their body’s response to closeness. Consider ways to introduce loving touch into everyday life:
Massage or gentle back rubs can create a sense of safety.
Brushing their hair or stroking their face can be deeply soothing.
Cuddling without expectation of sex reassures them that touch is not a prelude to something they may not be ready for.
Holding hands or linking arms in public can foster a sense of security and connection.
Reading together while touching feet can create intimacy without pressure.
Interestingly, couples who incorporate non-sexual touch into their daily routines report greater relationship satisfaction and a higher frequency of sex (Debrot et al., 2017). In other words, if you’re thinking, Great, but when do we get to the fun stuff?, this approach might just surprise you.
Aftercare as a Relationship Ritual
After sex—particularly when trying something new—people often feel emotionally vulnerable. For someone with a trauma history, this feeling can be magnified. Instead of letting that post-intimacy window pass, use it as a time to reinforce love and security.
Think of aftercare as an emotional landing pad. It’s a way of ensuring that intimacy doesn’t lead to emotional free-fall but instead fosters closeness. Reassuring words like, “I loved sharing that with you,” or “You’re safe with me,” can mean the world to a trauma survivor. This is not about grand gestures but about consistent, small acts of reassurance.
Is Aftercare Always Necessary?
Some argue that aftercare is a crutch—that true healing should mean no longer needing it. But this misunderstands the purpose of aftercare. It’s not about reinforcing dependency; it’s about providing the nervous system with repeated, safe experiences of intimacy until those experiences become second nature.
That said, different people need different things.
Some trauma survivors find that too much reassurance makes them feel infantilized.
Others need space rather than cuddling. The key is communication. The only “wrong” approach to aftercare is assuming one-size-fits-all.
A Call for Open Communication
If your partner has a trauma history—or even if they don’t but still find themselves feeling overly sensitive or guarded around sex—consider using this as an opportunity to discuss how physical connection can feel safer and more fulfilling.
A simple, open conversation about non-sexual touch and aftercare could be a game-changer in your relationship.
And if you are the partner with a trauma history, know that healing is possible. The past doesn’t have to dictate the present. Love, safety, and pleasure are not just things that happen to other people—they are yours to experience, too.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Debrot, A., Schoebi, D., Perrez, M., & Horn, A. B. (2017). Touch as an interpersonal emotion regulation process in couples' daily lives: The mediating role of psychological intimacy. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(5), 625-637.
Field, T. (2014). Touch. MIT Press.
Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.