The science-based symphony of love…

Monday 11/20/23. I’m feeling a bit silly and playful today with this ridiculously extended musical metaphor… but there is a lot of noise in the world which is not love, or anything resembling it…

I’m doing this because of the special relationship in EFT between music and metaphor….

This is for my new clients C & L, who share an enthusiasm for EFT…

The Symphony of Love: exploring the ideas behind the Sound Relationship House in Gottman Therapy and Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy

Love, like a finely tuned symphony, requires a perfect blend of notes and rhythms to create a harmonious melody that resonates through the years.

In the world of couples therapy, 3 prominent figures have composed their own masterpieces for cultivating strong and lasting relationships.

Dr. John Gottman and EFT. founders Dr. Les Greenberg, and Dr. Susan Johnson, with their distinct approaches, have given us the tools to understand and improve the dynamics of intimate connections.

In this blog post, we’ll embark on a journey through the realms of the "Sound Relationship House" in Gottman Couples Therapy and the concept of emotional bonding in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT).

Get ready for an excessive, insufferable, musical metaphorical rollercoaster ride…as we explore how these two therapeutic approaches orchestrate love and connection.

Act 1: The Sound Relationship House - John Gottman's Magnum Opus

Dr. John Gottman, often referred to as the maestro of couples therapy, introduced the "Sound Relationship House" as the blueprint for understanding and building healthy relationships.

Picture this house as a grand concert hall where love is the symphony, and the couples are the musicians. Let's break down the key components:

Build Love Maps: Just like a musician needs to know the musical score, partners in a relationship must continually update their "Love Maps" – a cognitive roadmap of each other's inner world. What are their dreams, fears, and aspirations? Gottman asserts that staying connected requires an ongoing curiosity about the nuances of your partner's emotional landscape.

Share Fondness and Admiration: In this section of the symphony, partners express gratitude for each other's qualities. It's the melody that brings warmth and positivity to the relationship. According to Gottman, successful couples frequently engage in gestures of affection and respect, creating a positive atmosphere within the Sound Relationship House.

Turn Towards Instead of Away: In any great symphony, the musicians must be attuned to each other's cues. Similarly, in relationships, Gottman advises partners to turn toward each other's bids for attention, affection, or connection. It's the art of responding to the subtle invitations for closeness, ensuring that the emotional melody remains in harmony.

The Positive Perspective: Imagine a musical piece with a consistently uplifting tone – that's the Positive Perspective in the Sound Relationship House. Gottman emphasizes the importance of cultivating a mindset that interprets each other's actions in a positive light. It's about giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and fostering a sense of shared optimism.

Manage Conflict: Every great symphony has its dramatic crescendos, and every relationship encounters conflicts. In the Sound Relationship House, managing conflict is the skill of navigating through these challenging moments without disrupting the entire melody. Gottman provides tools and techniques to address conflicts constructively, ensuring that the love symphony endures.

Make Life Dreams Come True: Like a symphony fulfilling its purpose, a relationship finds its true meaning when partners actively support each other in pursuing their life dreams. Gottman advocates for creating an environment where both individuals feel encouraged to chase their aspirations, contributing to the overall harmony of the Sound Relationship House.

Create Shared Meaning: In the grand finale, the Sound Relationship House culminates in the creation of shared meaning. This is the masterpiece, the magnum opus of a couple's life together. It involves weaving a shared narrative, establishing rituals, and building a unique culture that defines the relationship.

Act 2: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy - Susan Johnson's & Les Greenberg’s Emotional Symphony

Now, let's switch gears and explore how Dr. Susan Johnson and Les Greenberg’s model, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) composes its own emotional symphony.

EFT focuses on the core human need for emotional awareness expression, and focuses on improving emotional connection and bonding. Instead of a house, Johnson and Greenberg invites us into the dance of emotions, where couples waltz through their vulnerabilities to create a deeper connection:

Attachment Bonds: At the heart of EFT is the concept of attachment bonds – the emotional ties that bind us to our partners. Johnson posits that humans have an innate need for emotional connection, and the quality of these bonds shapes the dynamics of a relationship. EFT seeks to strengthen and repair these attachment bonds.

Identifying Negative Patterns: Imagine a couple's dance where the steps are out of sync. In EFT, identifying negative interaction patterns is akin to recognizing when the dance goes awry. Johnson helps couples identify and understand the cycles of negative interactions that perpetuate distress, creating an opportunity to rewrite the emotional choreography.

Creating New Interaction Patterns: The beauty of EFT lies in its ability to help couples create new, healthier interaction patterns. By fostering emotional responsiveness and attunement, partners learn to communicate their needs and respond to each other in ways that promote emotional safety and connection.

Accessing Emotions: In this emotional dance, partners learn to access and express their deeper emotions. Johnson believes that beneath every conflict lies unmet emotional needs and longings. By tapping into these emotions, couples can uncover the root of their struggles and foster a more profound emotional connection.

Building Emotional Engagement: EFT encourages partners to engage with each other emotionally. It's not just about the steps of the dance but the emotional resonance between the partners. The EFT model guides couples in creating moments of emotional intimacy, where they feel seen, heard, and understood. You’ll learn to be accessible, responsive, and emotionally engaged.

Forgiving Injuries: Every dance has its missteps, and every relationship faces its share of injuries. EFT acknowledges the importance of forgiveness and healing. Through empathetic understanding and emotional attunement, partners can navigate through past hurts, allowing the dance to continue with renewed vigor.

Consolidating Emotional Connection: The final movement of EFT is about consolidating the emotional connection. Partners learn to hold onto the newfound emotional intimacy, creating a secure emotional bond that sustains them through the ups and downs of life.

Act 3: A Harmonious Duet - comparing and contrasting the symphonies…

Now that we've explored the Sound Relationship House and the Emotional Symphony, let's bring these two masterpieces together for a harmonious duet.

Both Gottman Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy share the common goal of fostering strong, resilient relationships, yet they approach this goal with unique instruments and compositions.

The Melody of Understanding: Gottman's Love Maps vs. Johnson's Attachment Bonds

In the realm of understanding each other, Gottman's Love Maps and Johnson's Attachment Bonds are like two distinct melodies.

While I agree that at a high-level, it’s a ridiculous oversimplification, nevertheless, it’s somewhat useful to think of Gottman Couples Therapy as a cognitive, top-down approach, while Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy could be viewed as less cognitive, and a more visceral bottom-up approach.

Love Maps focus on the cognitive aspect, requiring partners to actively update their knowledge about each other's thoughts and feelings.

On the other hand, Attachment Bonds delve into the emotional realm, emphasizing the innate human need for deep emotional connection. While Love Maps provide the roadmap, Attachment Bonds give the emotional destination.

Harmonizing Positivity: Gottman's Fondness and Admiration vs. Johnson's Emotional Engagement

Fondness and Admiration in the Sound Relationship House and Emotional Engagement in EFT both contribute to the positive tone of the relationship. Gottman encourages couples to express admiration for each other, fostering a positive atmosphere.

Emotionally-Focused Therapy, in turn, guides couples to emotionally engage, creating moments of connection that elevate the emotional tone of the relationship. It's the difference between expressing appreciation and actively participating in the emotional dance.

Navigating the Dance: Gottman's Turn Towards vs. Johnson's Identifying Negative Patterns

In the dance of relationships, both therapies address the crucial aspect of navigating through interactions. Gottman's concept of "Turning Towards" involves responding to each other's bids for connection, ensuring a smooth dance.

EFT focuses on identifying and reshaping negative interaction patterns, transforming the dance into a more harmonious choreography. It's the difference between adjusting steps in real-time and redesigning the dance routine.

The Drama of Conflict: Gottman's Conflict Management vs. Johnson's Accessing Emotions

Conflicts are the dramatic crescendos in the symphony of love. Gottman's Conflict Management techniques provide tools for addressing conflicts constructively, preventing them from disrupting the entire melody.

EFT, however, digs deeper by encouraging partners to access and express their underlying emotions during conflicts. It's the difference between managing the surface-level conflict and unraveling the emotional layers beneath.

Creating the Masterpiece: Gottman's Shared Meaning vs. Johnson's Consolidating Emotional Connection

The grand finale in both symphonies is about creating a shared masterpiece. Gottman's Shared Meaning involves weaving a unique narrative and building a personal, intimate culture that defines the relationship. EFT focus on consolidating the emotional connection, on the other hand, is about holding onto the newfound emotional intimacy, creating a secure emotional bond that sustains the couple.

It's the difference between creating a shared narrative and consolidating a deep emotional connection.

Final thoughts, and a standing ovation for love…

In the grand concert hall of relationships, both Gottman Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy command a standing ovation for their unique compositions.

Whether you resonate more with the structured architecture of the Sound Relationship House or the more emotive dance of the Emotional Symphony, the key is to recognize the beauty in the different approaches.

In the end, Bobby Vinton was right. Love is the melody that connects us all.

Whether you're fine-tuning your Love Maps, or dancing a protest polka through the intricate steps of emotional engagement, the goal is to create a symphony that will resonate through the years as you both move through time.

So, raise your conductor's baton, embrace the highs and lows of the relationship crescendo, and let the music of love play on. After all, in the symphony of life, the sweetest melodies are the ones which we compose together.

Now that my symphonic metaphors are utterly exhausted... Let the dying grace notes be savored as they fade to silence…

Thanks for listening… Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.