Divorce upon the death of a child… the research
Tuesday, November 21, 2023. This one is for my clients Y & B… We all need to better understand how certain kinds of grief can feel bottomless…
The death of a child is an unimaginable tragedy that can shatter even the strongest of marital foundations.
In the wake of such a profound loss, humans often find themselves navigating an uncertain, painful terrain.
Couples therapists are keenly aware that many relationships succumb to the weight of such epic grief.
I’d like to explore the reasons behind the alarming correlation between the death of a child and an increased risk of divorce.
As usual, I’ll be directing your attention to the best research studies, as we explore the psychological, emotional, and relational suffering that unfolds upon the death of a child.
The silent epidemic of child loss…
Child loss is a heart-wrenching human experience.
The deaths of children transcends cultural, socioeconomic, and demographic boundaries.
According to a study conducted by The Compassionate Friends (2006), a non-profit organization supporting bereaved parents, approximately 10 to 15% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, and around 1 in 160 pregnancies result in stillbirth.
Moreover, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that in the United States alone, over 23,000 infants die each year.
While statistics capture the scale of the problem, they fail to convey the profound impact on the lives of parents, particularly on their marriages. Understanding the prevalence of child loss sets the stage for exploring the intricate relationship between grief and marital dynamics.
The grieving process and its toll on a marriage…
There are no orderly stages of grief. That is bullsh*t. Grief is a complex and multifaceted emotional response to loss, and it manifests quite differently in humans. There is no “right” way to grieve.
In the context of child loss, grief can become an all-encompassing force that disrupts the equilibrium of a marriage.
According to the culturally robust Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—individuals and couples may progress through these stages at their own pace.
But we now understand that model is a fu*king fair tale.
The truth about intense grief…
Real research by Hughes and Eliason (2002) suggests that couples may experience grief differently, with one partner advancing through the stages more rapidly or experiencing certain stages more intensely than the other.
This asymmetry in the grieving process can create emotional distance, miscommunication, and a sense of isolation within the marriage. And, cultural expectations based on popular frauds such as the “stages of grief” model, only make a heartbreaking situation worse.
The erosion of emotional intimacy…
Child loss often results in a profound sense of emptiness and a pervasive feeling of loss of control.
Research by Bennett et al. (2016) highlights that the inability to protect one's child and the feelings of helplessness can lead to emotional numbness, making it challenging for couples to connect on an intimate emotional level.
The strain on emotional intimacy is further exacerbated by societal expectations and gender norms surrounding grief expression.
The predictable torment of gender differences…
We’re back to the Guy Code once more.
Men, often conditioned to be stoic and resilient, may struggle to articulate their emotions. This often results in a perception of emotional unavailability.
Conversely, women, expected to be nurturing and expressive, may feel isolated if their partners do not reciprocate in a way they find emotionally fulfilling.
Communication breakdown and misunderstandings about the partner in your head…
Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage. However, child loss can disrupt the channels of communication between partners.
A study by Worden and Silverman (1996) suggests that couples may avoid discussing their grief to protect each other from additional pain or to shield themselves from vulnerability.
This avoidance can lead to a breakdown in communication, with unexpressed emotions festering beneath the surface.
Misunderstandings may arise, fueled by unspoken expectations and assumptions about how each partner should cope. The inability to openly share and process grief can create a chasm between partners, driving them further apart.
Coping mechanisms and disparities in whatever gets you through the night…
Individual coping mechanisms often play a pivotal role in the aftermath of the death of a child.
While some folks may seek solace in support groups, therapy, or religious practices, others may resort to avoidance, substance use, or workaholism as a means of distraction.
The divergence in coping strategies can strain marriages, particularly if one partner perceives the other's methods as inadequate or incompatible.
Research by Li et al. (2015) suggests that coping disparities may contribute to marital dissatisfaction and increase the likelihood of divorce.
For example, if one partner seeks solace in sharing their grief openly, while the other prefers to grieve privately, it can create a sense of alienation and isolation within the marriage. This is a particularly tragic circumstance for meta-emotional mismatches to play out.
Shifting Roles and Identity
The death of a child can prompt a sudden reimagining of roles and identities within a the marriage. Parents may grapple with a profound sense of identity loss, questioning their roles as protectors and caregivers.
The shifting dynamics can strain the marriage, especially if partners struggle to reconcile their altered self-perceptions and redefine their roles within the relationship.
A study by Black and Lobo (2008) highlights that the loss of a child can trigger existential questions about the meaning and purpose of life.
Couples may embark on individual journeys of self-discovery, and if the paths diverge, it can lead to a sense of emotional disconnection and, ultimately, the breakdown of the marriage.
Then there are the financial stressors and practical challenges about the ritual of child loss…
Child loss can bring about unforeseen financial stressors, particularly if medical expenses, funeral costs, or the need for time off work become burdensome.
Practical challenges, such as navigating the legal and logistical aspects of the loss, can also strain marriages.
The division of responsibilities and decision-making can become sources of contention, further complicating an already delicate situation.
Seek support and professional intervention in a timely fashion. The longer you wait, the more complicated your grief may become.
Recognizing the unique challenges posed by child loss, it is imperative for couples to seek support from various sources. Support groups, good, science-based couples therapy, and counseling can provide a safe space for couples to navigate the complexities of grief together. I can help with that.
Garstang et al. (2014) underscored the positive impact of professional intervention, emphasizing that couples who engage in therapy are better equipped to communicate, express emotions, and ultimately strengthen their marital bonds.
Final thoughts about navigating a storm of profound grief
In the aftermath of the death of a child, the intricacies of grief cast a shadow over the landscape of a marriage.
Understanding the psychological, emotional, and relational challenges that couples face is crucial in addressing the heightened risk of divorce in such circumstances.
The journey through grief is an arduous one.
Each partner is also a parent who must navigate their own way.
And Yet, by fostering open communication, seeking support, and acknowledging the unique aspects of their grief, couples can weather the storm together. Appropriate interventions can support committed humans to cross this bridge of sadness.
It is essential for society to recognize the profound impact of child loss on marriages and provide the necessary resources to support grieving couples. We’re no where near where we need to be as a community of practice.
I hope we can eventually dispel the stigma surrounding the correlation between divorce after the death of a child.
I’m all for fostering empathy and understanding, we can contribute to a more compassionate and supportive environment for couples grappling with the unimaginable pain of losing a child. And that starts with recognizing that grief does not neatly express itself in predictable stages.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Bennett, S. M., Litz, B. T., Maguen, S., Ehrenreich, J. T., & Silver, R. C. (2016). The scope and impact of perinatal loss: Current status and future directions. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 47(4), 308–319. https://doi.org/10.1037/pro0000083
Black, D., & Lobo, M. (2008). Children's bereavement and adjustment: A review of the literature. Omega: Journal of Death and Dying, 57(2), 145–168. https://doi.org/10.2190/OM.57.2.c
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (n.d.). Infant mortality. https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/maternalinfanthealth/infantmortality.htm
Hughes, P., & Eliason, G. (2002). Couples' experiences with early pregnancy loss. American Journal of Maternal/Child Nursing, 27(4), 197–204. https://doi.org/10.1097/00005721-200207000-00011
Institute of Medicine (US) Committee on Palliative and End-of-Life Care for Children and Their Families; Field MJ, Behrman RE, editors. When Children Die: Improving Palliative and End-of-Life Care for Children and Their Families. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2003. APPENDIX E, BEREAVEMENT EXPERIENCES AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK220798/
Li, J., Laursen, B., Precht, D. H., Olsen, J., & Mortensen, P. B. (2005). Hospitalization for mental illness among parents after the death of a child. New England Journal of Medicine, 352(12), 1190–1196. https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJMoa033160
The Compassionate Friends. (2006). Child loss grief.
https://www.compassionatefriends.org/grief/
Worden, J. W., & Silverman, P. R. (1996). Parental death and the adjustment of school-age children. Omega: Journal of Death and Dying, 33(2), 91–102. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.2190/P77L-F6F6-5W06-NHBX
