The family scapegoat and sibling estrangement
Monday, June 10, 2024.
Family relationships are often complex, and one of the most challenging dynamics is the role of the family scapegoat and the resulting sibling estrangement.
Let’s explore how and why these patterns develop and cite leading researchers and thought leaders on the subject.
Understanding the Family Scapegoat
In family systems theory, a scapegoat is a family member who is unfairly blamed for problems within the family. This role is often assigned unconsciously and can serve as a way for a family to externalize their internal conflicts. According to Dr. Murray Bowen, a pioneer in family therapy, families use scapegoating as a mechanism to maintain a semblance of stability amidst dysfunction (Bowen, 1978).
Dr. Michael Ungar, a prominent family therapist and resilience researcher, elaborates: "Families in distress often create a scapegoat to divert attention from their problems. It's a way of externalizing their pain and dysfunction" (Ungar, 2013). The child who becomes the scapegoat may be perceived as different, more sensitive, or less conforming to family norms, making them an easy target.
The Impact on Sibling Relationships
The effects of scapegoating on sibling relationships can be profound and long-lasting. When one sibling is consistently blamed, it creates an imbalance and tension within the family unit. Dr. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist specializing in family estrangement, notes, "When one sibling is consistently scapegoated, it can lead to long-term resentment and isolation from other family members" (Coleman, 2020).
Sibling estrangement often arises as a direct result of this dynamic. Siblings might side with parents to avoid becoming the next target, distance themselves to escape the negative family atmosphere, or develop deep-seated resentment if they perceive the treatment as unfair.
The Path to sibling estrangement
Dr. Karl Pillemer, a gerontologist and author of "Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them," highlights that sibling estrangement often stems from prolonged and unresolved conflicts. "Estrangement is not a single event but a series of incidents that, over time, lead siblings to drift apart" (Pillemer, 2020). When one sibling is scapegoated, the emotional toll can create a rift that feels impossible to bridge.
Healing and Reconciliation
Breaking free from the scapegoat role and healing sibling relationships requires intentional effort and, often, professional help. Here are some steps to consider:
Acknowledge the Issue: Recognizing the dysfunctional dynamic is the first step. As Dr. Bowen suggested, awareness can start the healing process.
Seek Therapy: Professional help can provide tools and strategies to cope with and change entrenched family patterns. Family therapy can be particularly effective in addressing these issues. If you’ve read this far, please reach out to me. Maybe I can help.
Set Boundaries: Establishing firm boundaries with family members can help protect your mental health. Dr. Lindsay Gibson, a clinical psychologist, emphasizes the importance of boundaries: "Setting boundaries is crucial for anyone trying to break free from the scapegoat role. It helps to redefine relationships on healthier terms" (Gibson, 2015).
Foster Communication: Open, honest conversations (preferably in a safe environment like family therapy) can help address grievances and misunderstandings. Dr. Coleman advocates for what he calls "constructive engagement," which involves respectful dialogue and a willingness to understand the other person's perspective (Coleman, 2020).
Final Thoughts
Family dynamics, especially involving the scapegoat role and sibling estrangement, are complex and deeply rooted in the family's history and interactions.
Understanding these patterns is the first step toward healing. As Dr. Ungar aptly puts it, “Families can find resilience and change when they confront and address their underlying issues” (Ungar, 2013).
If you find yourself in the role of the family scapegoat, know that it's not your fault, and healing is possible. Seeking support and setting boundaries can pave the way for healthier relationships and personal well-being.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.
Coleman, J. (2020). Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. Harmony.
Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
Pillemer, K. (2020). Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. Avery.
Ungar, M. (2013). The Impact of Family Dynamics on Resilience. Springer.
