What happens when the family scapegoat grows up?

Monday, June 10, 2024. This is for LB and RC because they’ve been there.

Ah, the family scapegoat – that unfortunate soul who, through no fault of their own, becomes the designated lightning rod for all familial woes.

Growing up in such an environment can be as bewildering as trying to assemble IKEA furniture without instructions. But what happens when the family scapegoat matures into adulthood?

The Scapegoat Syndrome: Childhood edition

First, a quick primer. In dysfunctional families, the scapegoat is often blamed for issues they didn't cause.

It's like being the kid who always gets detention for the class clown's antics. This role can stem from various dynamics, such as parents projecting their own insecurities or unresolved conflicts onto one child. The scapegoat grows up under a cloud of undue criticism and blame, often leading to issues like low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.

As Dr. Karyl McBride, a renowned expert on narcissistic family dynamics, notes, "The scapegoat is the person who is blamed for the problems in the family. They are the dumping ground for the family’s negative emotions" (McBride, 2013).

The Adult Scapegoat: From Under the Bus to Under the Sun

When family scapegoats grow up, they often carry the scars of their upbringing. However, these scars can become battle wounds that signal resilience and strength. Here’s what can happen:

Self-Discovery and Empowerment

Many adult scapegoats embark on a journey of self-discovery. They may seek therapy to unpack their childhood experiences and learn to distinguish their true identity from the false narratives imposed on them. It's like finding out you were playing the wrong character in a family drama all along.

Dr. Susan Forward, author of "Toxic Parents," explains, "Recognizing and acknowledging the toxic dynamics in the family is the first step towards healing and reclaiming your true self" (Forward, 1989).

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries

Ah, boundaries – the adult scapegoat's best friend. Establishing firm boundaries is crucial. It’s akin to installing a high-security fence around your emotional property. No more unauthorized trespassing from toxic relatives!

Building a Support Network

Adult scapegoats often find solace in building a chosen family of supportive friends and partners. Think of it as assembling a crack team of emotional Avengers who always have your back.

According to Dr. John Bradshaw, "Creating a support system outside of the family is essential for healing and developing a new sense of self" (Bradshaw, 1990).

Breaking the Cycle

Some former scapegoats become determined to break the cycle of dysfunction. They strive to create healthier environments for their own families, ensuring that the toxic patterns end with them. It's the ultimate act of turning lemons into lemonade.

Embracing Authenticity

Once free from the scapegoat role, adults often embrace their true selves with newfound confidence. It's like stepping into the light after years of living in the shadows. They pursue careers, hobbies, and relationships that genuinely reflect their interests and values.

Challenges along the way

Of course, the road to healing isn't always smooth. Former scapegoats might still face challenges, such as:

Residual Self-Doubt: Shaking off years of negative reinforcement can be tough. It’s like trying to get rid of glitter after a craft project – it sticks around longer than you’d like.

Triggers from the Past: Old wounds can be easily triggered by family gatherings or certain behaviors. Imagine trying to navigate a minefield while carrying a tray of delicate china.

Resistance from Family: Not all family members will be thrilled with the scapegoat’s transformation. Some may resist the new dynamics, clinging to old patterns like a security blanket.

Final thoughts

Despite these challenges, many adult scapegoats thrive, turning their painful past into a powerful story of resilience.

They often become empathetic, insightful folks with a deep understanding of human behavior.

So, if you’re a former scapegoat, remember – you’re not alone, and your journey toward healing and authenticity is a testament to your strength.

When family scapegoats grow up, they have the potential to transform their lives dramatically. With a little help from a good marriage and family therapist, a supportive network, and a hefty dose of self-compassion, they can leave the past behind and step confidently into a brighter, healthier future.

And hey, if you’re navigating this journey, remember: you’re not the problem; you’re the survivor – and that's something worth celebrating.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bradshaw, J. (1990). Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. Bantam.

Forward, S. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. Bantam.

McBride, K. (2013). Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Atria Books.