13 Signs that you have Anxious Attachment…

Tuesday, March 26, 2024.

13 Signs That You Have Anxious Attachment: A Deep Dive into Attachment Science

Attachment styles play a crucial role in shaping how we connect with others.

Anxious Attachment, one of the three main attachment styles identified in Attachment Theory, can significantly impact how humans approach and experience relationships.

If you find yourself constantly grappling with insecurity, fear, and a longing for closeness in your relationships, you might resonate with the signs of Anxious attachment. Here are 13 signs…

Constant Need for Interpersonal Reassurance: Anxious attachers often seek reassurance to quell their underlying fears of rejection or abandonment. Dr. Sue Johnson, renowned psychologist and developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), explains, "Humans with anxious attachment often rely on external validation to soothe their inner turmoil. Their need for reassurance stems from a deep-seated fear of being unloved or unworthy."

Fear of Abandonment by a Loved One: The fear of abandonment is a hallmark of Anxious Attachment. Dr. John Bowlby, the pioneer of Attachment Theory, emphasizes that folks with Anxious Attachment tend to hyperfocus on potential threats to their relationships, leading to a pervasive fear of being abandoned or left alone.

Overanalyzing Situations to Find New Areas of Concern: Overanalyzing interactions and scrutinizing every word or action is common among those with Anxious Attachment. Dr. Amir Levine, co-author of "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment," notes, "Anxious attachers tend to overthink situations, often interpreting benign behaviors as signs of impending rejection. This constant analysis can heighten their anxiety and disrupt relationship dynamics."

Excessive Partner Jealousy: Feelings of jealousy and possessiveness can plague those with Anxious Attachment. They’re driven by a deep-seated fear of losing their partner. Dr. Helen Fisher, a leading anthropologist and expert on romantic love, observes, "Anxious attachers may exhibit heightened jealousy as they perceive threats to their relationship more intensely, even in the absence of concrete evidence."

Struggle with Interpersonal Boundaries: Maintaining healthy boundaries can be challenging for those with Anxious Attachment. Dr. Stan Tatkin, developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), explains, "Anxious attachers often blur the lines between themselves and their partners, seeking constant proximity and merging identities. This can lead to difficulties in establishing and respecting personal boundaries."

Establish Intimacy Too Fast: Anxious Attachers tend to dive headfirst into relationships, seeking emotional closeness and intimacy early on. Dr. Diane Poole Heller, a leading expert in attachment theory and trauma resolution, suggests, "Their eagerness to establish intimacy stems from a deep desire to alleviate their fears of rejection and abandonment. However, this rapid pace can sometimes overwhelm partners and hinder the development of a secure bond."

Constant Communication: A tendency towards frequent communication and reliance on constant contact is characteristic of Anxious Attachment. Dr. Lisa Firestone, clinical psychologist and director of research and education at The Glendon Association, points out, "Anxious Attachers may feel compelled to maintain continuous communication with their partners as a way to seek reassurance and validate their sense of security in the relationship."

Seeking External Approval: Humans with Anxious Attachment often seek external validation and approval to bolster their self-worth. Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps, psychologist and author specializing in relationships, remarks, "Their constant need for approval stems from a deep-seated insecurity and fear of rejection. They may go to great lengths to please others, sacrificing their own needs in the process."

Overwhelming Feelings: Anxious attachers frequently experience intense and overwhelming emotions, particularly in response to relationship stressors. Dr. Judith Siegel, a renowned psychotherapist and author, notes, "Their emotional reactions can be disproportionate to the situation, fueled by a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a longing for connection. This emotional intensity can strain relationships and hinder effective communication."

Post Mortems on the Past: Ruminating on past interactions and analyzing past relationships is common among those with Anxious Attachment. Dr. Dan Siegel, psychiatrist and author of "Attachment: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love," explains, "Anxious attachers often engage in post-mortems on past experiences, seeking to understand what went wrong and how they can avoid similar outcomes in future relationships. However, this tendency can perpetuate feelings of insecurity and self-doubt."

Huge Difficulties with Trust: Trust issues are prevalent among those with Anxious Attachment, stemming from past experiences of betrayal or abandonment. Dr. Pat Ogden, founder of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute, suggests, "Their mistrust may manifest as hypervigilance and a reluctance to fully invest in the relationship for fear of being hurt. Building trust requires patience and consistent reassurance from partners."

Fear of Being Alone: Anxious attachers often experience a deep-seated fear of being alone or abandoned, driving them to cling to relationships even when they may be unhealthy. Dr. Karen Young, psychologist and founder of Hey Sigmund, observes, "Their fear of solitude can lead them to stay in toxic relationships or settle for less than they deserve, as the thought of being alone triggers intense anxiety and distress."

Family of Origin Dynamics: Family dynamics and early childhood experiences can significantly influence the development of anxious attachment. Dr. Mary Ainsworth, a pioneering developmental psychologist, highlights, "Anxious attachment often originates from inconsistent caregiving or experiences of neglect during childhood, shaping one's beliefs about relationships and intimacy. Exploring these early dynamics can provide valuable insights into attachment patterns."

Final thoughts

Understanding and recognizing these signs of Anxious Attachment is the first step towards cultivating healthier and more secure relationships. About a quarter of humanity suffers from Anxious Attachment.

But humans aren’t held captive by their Attachment styles… Although the work is often painfully slow, and frankly hard.

We can work towards overcoming our attachment insecurities and fostering more fulfilling connections with others. Remember, change is possible, and every step towards greater self-awareness brings us closer to creating the loving and secure relationships we deserve. I can help with that.

Be well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.