Sexual Frequency Doesn’t Predict Happiness—But Perceived Desire Does
Thursday, march 13, 2025.
Ah, the age-old question: How often should couples be having sex to be happy?
If you’re expecting a magic number, brace yourself for disappointment. A 2015 study (Muise et al., 2015) found that the actual frequency of sex doesn’t significantly predict happiness in long-term relationships.
Instead, what really matters is feeling desired by your partner. That’s right—being wanted trumps the act itself.
This has all sorts of amusing and existentially troubling implications.
For one, it suggests that sexual satisfaction isn’t just about bodies bumping together at a socially approved cadence but rather about the deep-seated human need to feel special, chosen, and, let’s be honest, a little bit worshipped.
It also means that the couples diligently tracking their weekly “intimacy quota” may be missing the point. You can check off as many obligatory Wednesday night romps as you like, but if your partner secretly feels about as desired as a tax audit, the relationship still suffers.
So, what’s the takeaway?
Long-term sexual desire is at least as psychological as it is physical.
Feeling desired is a complex mix of attention, flirtation, admiration, and—dare I say it?—mystery. Esther Perel got that right.
It’s the knowing glance across the room, the casual touch in the kitchen, the occasional spicy text that lets your partner know they still light your fire. In other words, it's about stoking the flames, not just counting the sparks.
If nothing else, this research should be a comfort to anyone who has worried that declining sexual frequency means the end is near. As long as you still make each other feel like the most interesting and irresistible person in the room, you're probably doing just fine.
Now, let’s take this one step further—because the implications of this study are both hopeful and slightly terrifying.
If happiness in a relationship hinges more on feeling wanted than on the actual number of times you roll in the sheets, that means desire isn’t about raw biology but about perception. And perception, my friends, is a fickle, moody thing.
For instance, one partner might still see their significant other as a walking aphrodisiac while the other, thanks to years of cohabitation and the slow erosion of mystery, has started seeing them as an extension of the furniture. (Comfortable? Sure. Sexy? Debatable.)
The problem isn’t necessarily a lack of attraction—it’s a lack of signaling that attraction.
This explains why couples who still flirt with each other—who give those “just because” compliments, who initiate unexpected affection, who make their partner feel desirable—tend to have more satisfying relationships, regardless of how often they have sex. Feeling attractive in the eyes of someone you love is deeply validating. It tells you, I see you. I want you. And humans, fragile creatures that we are, eat that up.
On the flip side, this also means that when one partner stops making the other feel desired, it can create a slow, quiet erosion of intimacy. Not because sex is missing, but because the warmth, the excitement, the acknowledgment of desirability is gone. And that, more than anything, makes people feel lonely in a relationship.
So, how do we hack this knowledge for long-term relationship success?
Simple: stop treating desire as something that just happens and start treating it like something you co-create.
Compliment your partner. Touch them casually. Make them feel seen.
Playfully remind them why you were drawn to them in the first place. If sexual frequency is just a symptom of desire, then maybe the real key to a thriving relationship isn’t scheduling more sex—it’s making sure your partner knowsyou still want them.
And if all else fails, just try looking at them like they’re the most delicious thing on the menu. Odds are, they’ll notice.
Sexual Frequency Doesn’t Predict Happiness—But Perceived Desire Does
Ah, the age-old question: How often should couples be having sex to be happy? If you were hoping for a magic number—twice a week, every full moon, whenever the WiFi is down—prepare for disappointment.
A 2015 study (Muise et al., 2015) found that the actual frequency of sex doesn’t significantly predict happiness in long-term relationships. Instead, what really matters is feeling desired by your partner. That’s right—being wanted trumps the act itself.
This has all sorts of amusing and existentially troubling implications. For one, it suggests that sexual satisfaction isn’t just about bodies bumping together at a socially approved cadence but rather about the deep-seated human need to feel special, chosen, and, let’s be honest, a little bit worshipped.
It also means that the couples diligently tracking their weekly “intimacy quota” may be missing the point. You can check off as many obligatory Wednesday night romps as you like, but if your partner secretly feels about as desired as a tax audit, the relationship still suffers.
So, what’s the takeaway?
Long-term sexual desire is at least as psychological as it is physical.
Feeling desired is a complex mix of attention, flirtation, admiration, and—dare I say it?—mystery.
It’s the knowing glance across the room, the casual touch in the kitchen, the occasional spicy text that lets your partner know they still light your fire.
In other words, it's about stoking the flames, not just counting the sparks.
If nothing else, this research should be a comfort to anyone who has worried that declining sexual frequency means the end is near. As long as you still make each other feel like the most interesting and irresistible person in the room, you're probably doing just fine.
Does the Research Back This Up? Let’s Dive Deeper
The Muise et al. (2015) study isn’t the only one to explore the link between sexual frequency and happiness—or the even more crucial link between perceived desire and relationship satisfaction. Other research reinforces, complicates, or even contradicts these findings in intriguing ways.
More Sex, More Happiness? Only Up to a Point
If you’re wondering whether there’s any connection between sexual frequency and happiness, a study by Kushlev, Levitin, and Dunn (2017) says yes—but with a catch.
They found that while having sex more than once a week wasn’t linked to additional happiness, couples who had it less than once a week did report lower relationship satisfaction. So, while sex may not be the magic ingredient for bliss, dipping too low on the frequency scale can still be a red flag.
In other words: sex probably matters, but not as much as feeling wanted does.
The Role of Sexual Growth Mindset
Another fascinating study (Maxwell et al., 2017) explored the idea of a “sexual growth mindset.” Couples who believed that sexual satisfaction requires effort and intention. (rather than being some spontaneous, fate-driven experience) tended to have better intimacy and relationship happiness.
This aligns beautifully with the idea that making your partner feel wanted and desired is an active process, not just a passive result of biology or circumstance.
Translation: Passion isn’t something you find in long-term relationships; it’s something you cultivate.
Sexual Frequency vs. Sexual Satisfaction
Another crucial distinction comes from research by Muise, Schimmack, and Impett (2016), who found that sexual satisfaction—not frequency—was a stronger predictor of relationship happiness.
In their study, couples who were satisfied with their sex lives, regardless of frequency, were happier than those who had frequent but unfulfilling encounters.
And what determines satisfaction? Emotional connection and perceived desire.
The Dark Side: Desire Discrepancy and Relationship Problems
While we’re on the topic of perception, let’s talk about when desire imbalances become a problem.
Research by Davies, Katz, and Jackson (1999) found that couples with large gaps in sexual desire levels experienced more conflict, less intimacy, and lower relationship satisfaction.
So, even if frequency isn’t the key metric, a major mismatch in desire levels can create tension—especially if one partner feels rejected or undesirable.
This reinforces the idea that it’s not just about how much sex a couple is having, but whether both partners feel equally wanted and valued.
Desire and the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic
Ever notice that the more one partner demands closeness, the more the other retreats?
This pattern, called the pursuer-distancer dynamic (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2015), is common in relationships where one partner expresses desire in ways that the other finds pressuring. Feeling wanted means different things to different people—some need words, others need affection, and some need a mix of both.
If couples aren’t speaking each other’s "desire language," even well-intentioned advances can backfire.
The Takeaway: Wanting > Doing
So, where does this leave us?
✔ Sexual frequency matters—but only to a point. It’s not about hitting a magic number; it’s about avoiding a complete drought.
✔ Feeling desired is the real secret sauce. More than how often you have sex, the key to happiness is knowing your partner wants you.
✔ Passion isn’t spontaneous; it’s cultivated. Flirting, touching, complimenting—these are active choices that keep desire alive.
✔ Desire gaps matter more than frequency gaps. If one person feels like they’re in a celibate monastery while the other is perfectly content, problems arise.
✔ Quality over quantity. A satisfying sex life is about connection, not quotas.
At the end of the day, intimacy is about making your partner feel special, attractive, and wanted—whether that’s through words, actions, or playful seduction. So, if you want to improve your relationship, don’t just schedule more sex. Make your partner feel like the sexiest person in the room.
And if all else fails, try looking at them like they’re the last piece of cake at a dinner party. Odds are, they’ll notice.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Davies, S., Katz, J., & Jackson, J. L. (1999). Sexual desire discrepancies: Effects on sexual and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual dating couples. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 28(6), 553-567. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1018721417683
Kushlev, K., Levitin, D. J., & Dunn, E. W. (2017). Does happiness improve with frequency of sex? Social Psychological and Personality Science, 8(2), 180-187. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550616662123
Maxwell, J. A., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2017). The sexual growth mindset: Associations with satisfaction and motivation in relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34(4), 532-550. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407516650929
McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2015). Rekindling desire: A step-by-step program to help low-sex and no-sex marriages. Routledge.
Muise, A., Schimmack, U., & Impett, E. A. (2016). Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 295-302. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550615616462
Muise, A., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., & Desmarais, S. (2015). More sex isn’t always better: The relationship between couples’ sexual frequency and happiness. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 6(1), 14-21. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550614543895