Gottman, EFT, and the Developmental Model: Where Shadow Work Fits In
Thursday, March 13, 2025.
So, Your Partner is Your Greatest Psychological Test? Fun.
If you thought marriage was about love, trust, and Sunday morning coffee runs, think again. In reality, it’s a front-row seat to your deepest, most repressed wounds—all conveniently triggered by the person you promised to cherish forever.
Every minor irritation (Why can’t they just put the toothpaste cap back on?) and every major blowout (Do they even care about me?) is an invitation to explore the shadow self—the part of you that holds unresolved childhood pain, unacknowledged fears, and patterns you swore you wouldn’t repeat.
According to Carl Jung, we spend much of our lives rejecting and projecting this shadow onto others, and in relationships, our partners often bear the brunt of this unconscious baggage.
The good news? If approached consciously, shadow work can transform your marriage into a tool for deep healing rather than a battlefield of past traumas.
In this post, we’ll explore how shadow work fits into leading couples therapy models, including Gottman’s research, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the Developmental Model, and Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy (RLT)—because your relationship isn’t just about love; it’s about growth.
Gottman’s Approach & Shadow Work
Gottman’s interventions focus on emotional attunement and “bids for connection.” But shadow work takes it a step further—why do you reject your partner’s bid for attention?
Why does their tone set you off like a fire alarm? Because their behaviors tap into past wounds. When a partner dismisses you, it may not be just them—it might be every time you felt invisible as a kid.
✅ Case Study: James & Anna
James withdraws emotionally during conflicts, which frustrates Anna.
Anna gets increasingly critical and demands reassurance, which makes James withdraw more.
The real issue? Anna’s shadow (abandonment fears from childhood) clashes with James’s shadow (a controlling parent who criticized his emotions).
Shadow work in Gottman therapy means recognizing these reactions and learning to self-soothe before reacting.
🔹 Therapeutic Technique: Gottman’s "Aftermath of a Fight" Exercise
Instead of arguing about who is right, partners explore what was triggered inside them.
Couples practice saying: "When you did X, I felt Y, because deep down, I carry Z."
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) & Shadow Work
Sue Johnson’s EFT is all about attachment and emotional security. EFT therapists help couples recognize and break out of their "demon dialogues", those reactive patterns rooted in deep-seated attachment wounds.
🔹 Therapeutic Technique: EFT’s "Hold Me Tight" Conversations
Instead of lashing out or shutting down, partners are guided to soften their defenses and share underlying fears.
Example prompts:
“When you don’t answer me, I feel like I don’t matter. I grew up feeling unseen, and that pain comes back.”
“When you get frustrated with me, I feel like I’m not good enough. I always felt like I was failing as a kid.”
✅ Case Study: David & Sam
Sam is avoidant—he withdraws when emotions run high.
David is anxious—he pushes for reassurance, which overwhelms Sam.
Shadow work in EFT helps them recognize their old wounds (David’s fear of being abandoned, Sam’s fear of being smothered).
The Developmental Model & Shadow Work
The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy (Ellyn Bader & Peter Pearson) focuses on differentiation—helping partners grow into separate, mature individuals while staying connected.
Shadow work fits here because it forces self-reflection. If you need constant validation from your partner, is it because they aren’t giving enough, or because your shadow self still carries childhood insecurities about being unloved?
🔹 Therapeutic Technique: "What is Mine, What is Theirs" Exercise
Clients write out what they project onto their partner versus what is truly their partner’s issue.
They take turns saying: “This part is mine. I recognize that my reaction is from my past.”
✅ Case Study: Mia & Chris
Mia thinks Chris doesn’t respect her. But through shadow work, she realizes her shadow fear of inadequacy fuels this belief.
Chris, in turn, realizes his need to “fix” Mia’s feelings comes from his childhood role as the family peacekeeper.
Terry Real and The Hard Truth About Your Shadow
Terry Real doesn’t sugarcoat anything.
His Relational Life Therapy (RLT) posts that Your adaptive child runs your relationship, and that has to stop.
The adaptive child is where your shadow lurks—it’s the part of you that sulks, lashes out, withdraws, or people-pleases because that’s how you learned to navigate emotional wounds as a kid.
✅ Therapeutic Technique: “Name Your Adaptive Child”
Clients name and describe their adaptive child (e.g.,“12-year-old Sarah the Silent One” or “8-year-old Jake the Pleaser”).
They learn to recognize when this part takes over in fights. This is called externalization.
✅ Case Study: Rachel & Ben
Rachel gets hyper-critical when she’s anxious. Through shadow work, she realizes it’s her adaptive child, mirroring her perfectionist mother.
Ben gets passive-aggressive. His adaptive child learned to go silent to avoid conflict.
RLT helps them step into their “wise adult” selves—owning their shadows instead of weaponizing them.
How to Use Shadow Work in Couples Therapy
Own Your Projections
Ask yourself: Is this fight about the present, or am I fighting my past?
Meet Your Adaptive Child
When triggered, pause and ask: How old do I feel right now?
Take Radical Responsibility
Your partner can support your healing, but they cannot heal you.
Shift from Blame to Curiosity
Instead of "You never listen!" try "I feel unheard—where is this coming from?"
Why Shadow Work Can Improve Your Relationship
Most couples don’t break up over finances or infidelity—they break up because of unresolved wounds disguised as everyday conflicts.
When you engage in shadow work, you stop seeing your partner as an adversary and start seeing them as a mirror.
As Terry Real says:
"Your childhood trauma is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility."
And what better place to do that healing than in the relationship that drives you the most insane?
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bader, E., & Pearson, P. (2017). In quest of the mythical mate: A developmental approach to diagnosis and treatment in couples therapy. Routledge.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.
Jung, C. G. (1959). Aion: Researches into the phenomenology of the self. Princeton University Press.
Jung, C. G. (1971). Psychological types. Princeton University Press.
Real, T. (2002). How can I get through to you? Reconnecting men and women. Scribner.
Real, T. (2007). The new rules of marriage: What you need to know to make love work. Random House.
Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the internal family systems model.Sounds True.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. The Guilford Press.
Solomon, M. F., & Tatkin, S. (2011). Love and war in intimate relationships: Connection, disconnection, and mutual regulation in couple therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.