Understanding the dance between obsession and Borderline Personality Disorder
Thursday, June 20, 2024.
Navigating relationships can often feel like dancing through a minefield, especially when one partner exhibits symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
I've witnessed firsthand in therapy sessions the intense emotional rollercoaster that partners experience.
One of the most challenging aspects of BPD is the relationship between obsession and the disorder.
Obsession and Borderline Personality Disorder: The Emotional Whirlpool
Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by pervasive instability in moods, self-image, and interpersonal relationships. This instability often leads to impulsive actions and chaotic relationships.
Obsession, in this context, can manifest as an overwhelming preoccupation with a partner, which can be both exhilarating and exhausting for both parties.
Why Obsession?
At its core, BPD is rooted in a deep fear of abandonment. This fear can drive folks to become intensely fixated on their partners, seeing them as lifelines in a tumultuous emotional sea.
According to Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), "Individuals with BPD have an intense need for validation and fear of rejection, which often results in an obsessive attachment to their partners."
10 Obsessive Behaviors in BPD
Obsessive When It Comes to Love
Humans with BPD often mistake lust for love, feeling an addictive pull towards their partner. Initially, they might feel safe investing all their efforts into the relationship.
However, as faults begin to surface, a love/hate cycle ensues. This cycle is not a game but a real, intense emotional experience, driven by fears of abandonment and destabilizing emotions. Dr. John Gunderson explains, "The emotional instability in BPD is a reflection of their inner turmoil and desperate attempts to find stability in their relationships."
Obsessive Rumination of Past Events
Those with BPD often obsessively replay past events, trying to remember every detail. This behavior stems from a feeling that something is wrong, and finding a solution becomes an all-consuming goal.
Judgmental Thinking
Due to previous experiences or interpretations, individuals with BPD may have episodes of intense distrust followed by moments of complete trust. This accidental judgmental thinking reflects their internal struggle to reconcile past hurts with current realities. Dr. Judith Herman notes, "Trauma and abuse are often underlying factors in BPD. Addressing these root causes is crucial for healing."
Profuse Apologizing
Guilt is a constant companion for those with BPD. They often feel guilty over things beyond their control and frequently apologize, especially when they lose control of their emotions.
Obsession with a “Favorite Person”
BPD can lead to an intense preoccupation with a favorite person. This obsession may involve excessive investigation and an attempt to mold themselves into what they believe this person wants them to be.
Constantly Asking What's Wrong
Seeing someone upset can trigger fears in those with BPD that they are to blame. This leads to constant questioning and assuming, which can irritate loved ones.
Obsession Over Self-Insecurities
Self-doubt and insecurities often prevent folks with BPD from attending social events.
They find it hard to feel satisfied with themselves and instead focus on things that cause anxiety.
Impulsive Actions
Obsessive thoughts can drive impulsive actions, such as making hasty purchases or jumping into relationships prematurely, driven by a desire for immediate gratification.
Obsession with Perfection
Black-and-white thinking is common in BPD. Folks may need to be perfect and are overly concerned with how others perceive them, leading to an "all or nothing" mentality.
Self-absorbed and Overly Self-Conscious Behavior
This can be mistaken for narcissism, but it is more about anxiety causing obsessive behaviors. These behaviors can manifest in various ways, layering upon themselves and creating a complex web of self-focus.
The Push-Pull Dynamic
The obsession in BPD often leads to a push-pull dynamic in relationships. This involves an intense need for closeness, followed by an equally intense fear of being engulfed, leading to sudden withdrawal.
This cycle can be confusing and exhausting for both partners. Imagine being on a seesaw with your partner. When you're up, everything feels euphoric and perfect. But when you're down, it can feel like the end of the world. This emotional whiplash is a hallmark of BPD.
A Compassionate Approach
Understanding this dynamic requires compassion and patience. It's essential to recognize that the obsessive behaviors stem from a place of deep emotional pain and fear. As Dr. John Gunderson elaborates, "The emotional instability in BPD is a reflection of their inner turmoil and desperate attempts to find stability in their relationships."
Managing Obsessive Behaviors
For partners of individuals with BPD, managing obsessive behaviors involves setting boundaries while maintaining empathy. Communication is key. It's crucial to express your feelings and needs without triggering fears of abandonment. Here are a few strategies:
Set Clear Boundaries: Establishing clear, consistent boundaries helps create a sense of safety and predictability.
Practice Self-Care: Ensure you take care of your emotional well-being. Supporting a partner with BPD can be draining, so self-care is non-negotiable.
Encourage Professional Help: Therapy, particularly DBT, has been proven effective in helping individuals with BPD manage their symptoms. Dr. Marsha Linehan emphasizes, "Validation is the first step in helping individuals with BPD feel understood and less alone in their experiences."
Final thoughts
While the journey with a partner who has BPD can be challenging, a touch of humor can help lighten the load. As the saying goes, "Laughter is the best medicine." Finding moments of joy and light-heartedness can help mitigate the emotional intensity.
The relationship between obsession and Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex dance of fear, love, and intense emotions.
As a couples therapist, I aim to help partners navigate this BPD dance with compassion, understanding, and a touch of humor. By setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking professional help, it's possible to create a more balanced and fulfilling relationship, even with Borderline Personality disorder.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Gunderson, J. G. (2011). Borderline personality disorder: Ontogeny of a diagnosis. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 168(6), 545-548.
Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence--from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
