The balancing act… independence and intimacy in marriage

Thursday, June 20, 2024.

Every marriage has an inherent tension between the need for independence and the desire for intimacy. Couples therapists call this delicate balance "differentiation."

Differentiation in marriage is all about personal growth while maintaining a close relationship.

As Ellyn Bader puts it, differentiation is "the active, ongoing process of defining self, expressing and activating self, revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either more intimacy or potential separation."

Attachment occurs naturally at the beginning of a relationship, but maintaining it over time is a different story. Effective couples therapy aims to balance attachment and differentiation, helping couples navigate the whirlpools and riptides that often threaten their relationship.

A request for more independence in marriage can be intimidating, often bringing couples to therapy. "Our self-made crises are custom-tailored, painstakingly crafted, and always fit perfectly," says David Schnarch.

Differentiation 101

While interning at the Pioneer Valley Center for Couples Therapy, I studied the Bader-Pearson Developmental Model of Couples Therapy.

This model emphasizes that an effective differentiation stage is crucial for sustaining a relationship's vitality and allowing for independence in marriage.

However, efforts toward differentiation (referred to as "practicing") are often seen by the less differentiated partner as a significant threat. Fear of rejection and abandonment can frustrate these early attempts at independence. The notion of "I gotta be me" can be a dire threat to the partner who prefers "we gotta be we."

Many relationships get stuck at this stage, leading to emotional gridlock or conflict avoidance. American cultural norms often misunderstand independence in marriage as diminished intimacy. Early attempts at differentiation can feel like being a circus acrobat without a net!

The Therapeutic Tasks

In the Developmental Model, differentiation is considered a healthy and necessary process. Effective couples therapy helps partners:

Self-reflect: Identify thoughts, feelings, wishes, and desires independent of their partner.

Express individuality: Reveal their identity without blaming or shaming their partner.

Accept differences: Develop awareness and acceptance of their spouse as a separate person with unique needs and desires.

Communicate effectively: Listen and respond to differences while establishing clear boundaries and areas of independence.

Create a safe environment: Regulate anxiety, manage problems, and support desired changes in the relationship.

This process can be messy. The struggle for early differentiation and independence in marriage often resembles a three-ring circus, with partners releasing the jungle beasts of their wants, needs, and desires. "Not my circus… not my monkeys," might say the threatened and reluctant partner!

Importance of Differentiation

A healthy pursuit of independence in marriage requires both partners to avoid compromising their core values and beliefs. This is essential for dealing with the fundamental 69% of what Gottman calls "unsolvable problems."

A healthy sense of differentiation allows a couple to negotiate independence in marriage more effectively, developing resilient intimacy that respects and manages differences.

"If you can’t regulate your own emotional temperature, you’ll regulate everyone around you to keep yourself comfortable," notes David Schnarch.

Varying Capacities for Differentiation

Couples vary in their capacity for differentiation and independence in marriage. The lower the level of differentiation, the more likely one partner will:

• Set their spouse up to take the opposite side of ambivalence.

• Pin unresolved feelings and experiences onto their partner.

• Throw emotional knives of negative transference and projection repeatedly.

• Burn out quickly during essential conversations.

However, attention all narcissists: A stubborn and overbearing stance without regard for your partner is not differentiation. Differentiation begins when a partner can appreciate two distinct realities simultaneously—their own and their spouse's. This means risking "safety" and managing the anxiety of exploring mutual areas of independence in marriage.

By focusing on independence and differentiation in marriage, couples can create a relationship that respects individuality while fostering deep intimacy.

Are you struggling because you think your partner wants to run away and join the circus? Take them to a Couples Retreat instead!

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bader, E., & Pearson, P. T. (1988). In quest of the mythical mate: A developmental approach to diagnosis and treatment in couples therapy. Brunner/Mazel.

Bowen, M. (1971a). Principles and Techniques of Multiple Family Therapy. In J. Bradt and C. Moynihan, (Eds), Systems Theory, Washington, DC.

Bowen, M. (1972). On the Differentiation of Self. In J. Framo, (Ed.), Family Interaction: A Dialogue Between Family Researchers and Family Therapists, NY, Springer.

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. New York: Jason Aronson.

Bowen, M., & Kerr, M. E. (1988). Family Evaluation: An Approach Based on Bowen Theory. New York: Norton & Co.

Schnarch, D. M. (1991). Constructing the sexual crucible: An integration of sexual and marital therapy. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate Marriage. NY: Norton.

Skowron, E. A. (2000). The role of differentiation of self in marital adjustment. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 47(2), 229–237. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.47.2.229