Stonewalling? 7 powerful and effective ways to stop
June 20, 2024. Originally published in 2018. Many revisions…Last Revised 5/3/21. This piece received much attention on the first Couples Therapy Inc blog. But, from a few female readers. I received some very negative feedback. I found myself being asked to revise this piece over and over again. The problem is that I’m a blunt therapist, and that comes through in my writing.
Stonewalling is a failure to communicate with a spouse during a stressful conversation, often characterized by a lack of speech, eye contact, and a felt sense by the partner of being emotionally deprived by silence and withdrawal.
It's not always intentional, but it can have significant impacts on relationships. Let's dive into what stonewalling is, its effects, and how to handle it effectively.
What Is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling is an involuntary physiological defensive response to feeling overwhelmed. It's often grounded in a fear of conflict and a desire to avoid escalation. According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, stonewalling is one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in relationships, signaling serious trouble if not addressed (Gottman, 1994).
The Gendered Nature of Stonewalling
Stonewalling is a highly gendered behavior. Research indicates that the vast majority of stonewalling behavior comes from men. Only 15% of women stonewall when they feel emotionally dysregulated, and it's a serious red flag when they do (Gottman & Levenson, 1986). This disparity often leads to misunderstandings between partners.
Wives often tell couples therapists that their husbands seem so disengaged that they feel intentionally abandoned. On the other hand, husbands report feeling nagged and overwhelmed by their wives' emotional demands. As the saying goes, "Men rarely ask for directions," and this reluctance can also extend to emotional landscapes.
The Physiological Basis of Stonewalling
Stonewalling is an evolutionary adaptation that simply doesn't work in intimate relationships. It's often a misguided attempt to "calm things down." Typically, it starts with a male partner becoming physiologically overwhelmed and failing to communicate this to his spouse.
According to Gottman, a man's autonomic nervous system is highly aroused during stonewalling, triggering the fight-or-flight response. This reaction floods the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, making it hard to think clearly or engage emotionally (Gottman & Levenson, 2000).
The Impact of Stonewalling
Stonewalling can lead to a dyadic nervous system mismatch where one partner feels overwhelmed and withdraws while the other becomes more activated and vocal. This dynamic often escalates conflict, leading to feelings of abandonment and increased resentment. Dr. Sue Johnson, a pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), describes this as the "pursuer/withdrawer" dance, a destructive cycle that erodes emotional connection (Johnson, 2008).
Common Misconceptions About Stonewalling
There's a lot of misinformation about stonewalling on the internet, some of which unfairly targets men. One harmful metaphor paints the husband as a villain who maliciously turns off his partner's emotional "oxygen." This narrative can exacerbate misunderstandings and resentment.
It's important to remember that just because a partner feels emotionally abandoned doesn't mean the stonewalling partner is intentionally inflicting harm. Similarly, feeling "nagged" doesn't mean the other partner is excessively demanding. These feelings are interpretations, not facts.
Is Stonewalling a Form of Abuse?
If left untreated, stonewalling can contribute to an abusive dynamic. Stonewalling is like emotional flatulence—ignoring it doesn't make it go away. Both partners must address the underlying issues to prevent escalating negative behaviors.
Recognizing Stonewalling
Imagine you're having a heated debate with your spouse. Your partner becomes impassive, unresponsive, and emotionally distant as the conversation intensifies. This is stonewalling. The more you escalate, the higher the emotional wall becomes, creating a cycle of frustration and disconnection.
How to Handle Stonewalling
Understanding the science behind stonewalling is crucial. Here are some strategies for both partners:
For the Stonewalled Partner:
Use a Softened Start-Up: Start conversations gently. According to Gottman, how a conversation begins determines how it will end 90% of the time (Gottman, 1994).
Make "I" Statements: Express your feelings without blaming your partner. Focus on facts, not opinions.
Be Clear and Direct: Clearly describe what you want and ask for help achieving it.
For the Stonewaller:
Notice Your Body: Pay attention to signs of tension and stress. Recognize when you're starting to feel overwhelmed.
Communicate Needs: If you're feeling overwhelmed, tell your partner. A simple "I need a timeout" can prevent escalation.
Self-Soothing Techniques: During a timeout, engage in deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and visualization of calming scenes to reduce stress.
The Importance of "Admitting Mode"
Admitting Mode: After a timeout, it's beneficial for the stonewalling partner to re-engage with a willingness to admit their role in the conflict. Gottman refers to this as "Admitting Mode," where one acknowledges the other's feelings and attempts to repair the relationship.
Dual Responsibilities
Both partners have roles to play in managing stonewalling. The stonewaller needs to calm down and re-engage, while the other partner should provide the space for this to happen. Yelling and escalating rarely lead to productive outcomes.
Final thoughts
Stonewalling is a significant relationship issue, but it can be managed with understanding and effort.
Recognizing the physiological and emotional dynamics at play is crucial for both partners. Effective communication, self-awareness, and professional couples therapy can help mitigate the negative effects of stonewalling and strengthen the relationship.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
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