Do Men Spend More on Their Mistresses Than Their Wives? The Surprising Truth About Gift-Giving in Relationships

Monday, November 18, 2024.

The image of the unfaithful man splurging on lavish gifts for his mistress while neglecting his wife is a tale as old as time—or at least as old as Hollywood.

Think Heartburn, where the affair partner gets the expensive necklace, leaving Meryl Streep with… well, not much. But what if this stereotype isn’t true?

According to new research published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, men don’t actually spend more on gifts for their affair partners.

In fact, both men and women invest more in their long-term relationships, reserving fewer resources for extramarital or casual connections.

This revelation turns a common trope upside down and offers fascinating insights into how we show love and commitment.

What Inspired the Study?

The research took flight in an unexpected way: birds.

Yes, birds!

Study authors Olivia James (University of Colorado) and Keelah Williams (Hamilton College) were intrigued by the courtship rituals of fairy wrens, an Australian bird species. Male fairy wrens famously woo extrapair females with flower petals, a gesture they skip when courting their monogamous partners.

This avian behavior drew parallels to a common idea in Western pop culture—that men engaging in affairs shower their mistresses with expensive gifts. The researchers wondered: Is this just a cinematic cliché, or does it reflect real-world spending habits?

How Do People Spend in Relationships? Breaking Down the Research

The researchers conducted three separate studies to answer this question, exploring everything from hypothetical spending to real-life experiences. Here’s what they found:

Study 1: What Would You Spend?

In this study, 139 participants imagined various relationship scenarios—committed and extramarital—and reported how much they’d spend on gifts. Across the board, participants were more willing to spend money on maintaining committed relationships than on casual or extramarital ones.

Study 2: Real-Life Spending Habits

The second study asked 233 participants to recall their actual gift-giving behaviors in both long-term and extramarital relationships. The results were eye-opening: there was no significant difference in spending between the two types of relationships. Contrary to the stereotype, people weren’t splurging more on affair partners than on their committed partners.

Study 3: Stereotypes vs. Reality

In the final study, 151 participants predicted how others would spend on gifts in similar scenarios. Interestingly, societal stereotypes persisted—participants assumed men would spend more on mistresses. However, when asked about actual spending habits, they still expected people to prioritize their long-term relationships.

The Takeaway: Committed Relationships Win the Gift-Giving Game

Across all three studies, the message was clear: People prioritize their long-term relationships when it comes to gift-giving.

Whether the relationship involves real spending or imagined scenarios, committed partners consistently receive more attention and resources than affair partners.

This finding underscores an important truth: gift-giving is less about extravagance and more about connection.

In committed relationships, gifts often symbolize care, love, and the desire to build a future together. In contrast, gifts in casual or extramarital relationships may lack the emotional depth and purpose of those given within a long-term partnership.

Why Do People Spend More on Their Partners Than Their Affair Partners?

The emotional weight of a gift matters. In long-term relationships, a thoughtful present can strengthen bonds, express gratitude, and affirm commitment. These relationships often involve shared lives, families, and futures, making them a higher priority for investment—emotionally and financially.

Affair partners, on the other hand, might not hold the same significance. Gifts in these relationships may be more about fleeting passion or guilt than deep connection, which can explain why people are less inclined to spend heavily on them.

Cultural Context and Limitations

As fascinating as these findings are, it’s important to note the study’s limitations. The research focused on heterosexual, monogamous participants in the United States. Gift-giving behaviors could vary across cultures, relationship types (e.g., polyamorous relationships), and even different generations.

Moreover, the study didn’t explore the emotional or symbolic meaning behind gifts. A heartfelt $20 gift might hold more weight than a $500 item purchased without thought or care. Future research could dive deeper into how cultural values and personal motivations shape gift-giving behaviors.

What Does This Mean for You?

If you’re in a committed relationship, this research serves as a gentle reminder of the importance of thoughtfulness.

Gift-giving isn’t just about the price tag—it’s about showing your partner that you value and cherish them. Whether it’s an elaborate anniversary celebration or a handwritten note, the effort and intention behind a gift often matter more than the dollar amount.

If you’re navigating more complex relationships, like an affair, these findings suggest that resources—financial and emotional—tend to follow commitment.

While this may not be groundbreaking news, it does highlight how much we prioritize the relationships that truly matter to us.

The study authors hope their work will inspire further exploration into the nuances of gift-giving.

How do cultural differences impact spending habits? What role does gender play? How do evolving relationship structures, like polyamory, influence gift-giving norms? These are just a few of the questions waiting to be answered.

Final Thoughts

This research challenges us to rethink the way we view gift-giving in relationships. It’s not about flashy spending or Hollywood-style drama. Instead, it’s about using gifts as a tool to nurture connection and show care, particularly in the relationships we hold most dear.

So, the next time you’re pondering a gift for your partner, remember: it’s not the cost—it’s the meaning behind it. Whether it’s a bouquet of their favorite flowers or a quiet evening together, your thoughtfulness will always shine brighter than any price tag.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

James, O. M., Kim, A. C., Ayers, J. D., & Williams, K. E. G. (2024). Gift Giving in Inpair and Extrapair Relationships. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences.