7 Ways to navigate inconsolability after a deep, interpersonal betrayal
6/30/23. The more self-absorbed we become as a culture, the more cutoffs, estrangements, and deep interpersonal betrayals will abound. You know who you are. I wrote this one for you.
Navigating inconsolability after a deep, interpersonal betrayal
My heart is broken.
It's worn out at the knees.
Hearing muffled, seeing blind,
Soon it will hit the deep freeze.
Suzanne Vega
Discovering that your partner has betrayed you in an epic way is devastating experience that can leave you feeling overwhelmed, and most importantly for our discussion here, inconsolable.
Coping with the aftermath of a grave breach of trust is both a challenging and complicated process. It's essential to approach your dilemma with patience, understanding, and a commitment to personal growth.
In this blog post, I’ll explore some effective strategies you might consider to help you navigate through your inconsolability. It’s top of mind for me because I have 3 clients currently struggling with the emotional aftermath of harsh, intimate betrayal.
It’s my hope that you’ll find some of these ideas empowering enough to consider recruiting them to help heal and rebuild your life.
7 Ways to navigate inconsolability after a deep, interpersonal betrayal
Job #1… Allow Yourself to Grieve, and Find your Spiritual Bearings…
The unveiling of a profound deception can be akin to experiencing the death of a relationship.
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
It's crucial to acknowledge the traumatic impact this loss and allow yourself to grieve the loss of trust, the shattered image of your partner, and the future you had envisioned together.
Give yourself permission to feel it all. Stifle nothing. Let your sorrow flow. It’s what’s happening right now. If you have a God, pray.
And something is cracking
I don't know where
Ice on the sidewalk
Brittle branches in the air
Suzanne Vega
Feelings will come. Feelings will go, as well… anger, sadness, betrayal, and confusion. Remember that healing is a process, and it's natural to have ups and downs along the way. It’s a ride. And you will be tossed hither and yon.
Seek Support for Your Worried Mind and Nervous System
In times of overwhelming inconsolability, it's critical to surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family.
If your family sucks at support, please find a therapist who can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings.
Listen up, here, please.
Sharing your pain, thoughts, and fears with trusted individuals can help alleviate the burden you are carrying.
For some of my clients, a Rabbi, Priest, Local Spiritual Assembly, Minister, or Imam with experience in handling epic grief may also be able to offer vital guidance, perspective, and coping mechanisms specific to your situation. Others prefer a more science-based approach to their ongoing support, and some like both.
Practice Extreme Self-Care
During this devastating time, prioritizing self-care becomes even more crucial.
Nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy, peace, and, what will hopefully become an emerging sense of normalcy.
Exercise regularly, eat nutritious meals, get enough sleep, and engage in experiences that nourish your soul. Watch your alcohol, and recreational drug intake. Be gentle with yourself and practice self-compassion, allowing yourself time to heal.
Enter a selfish phase. Slow, or shut everything the fu*k down.
My footsteps are ticking
Like water dripping from a tree
Walking a hairline
And stepping very carefully
Suzanne Vega
Communicate Openly
Effective communication is a cornerstone of healing after a serious breach.
When you are ready, (and you may not be for awhile, at first), advocate for frank, open, and honest conversations with your partner about your feelings, needs, and expectations moving forward…. not to mention theirs…
Express your pain, ask questions, and seek to determine what is actually true.
It's important for your partner to be patient and willing to listen without becoming defensive. Good couples therapy can facilitate these difficult conversations and help rebuild trust. I can help with that.
If You’re Deciding to Remain a Couple, Redefine Your Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries is crucial for your emotional well-being. Determine what you need from your partner in terms of transparency, honesty, and commitment to rebuilding trust. Discuss and mutually agree on guidelines for personal and digital boundaries to help regain a sense of safety and security.
Rebuilding trust takes time, and having clear boundaries can assist in the healing process. I can help with that too.
Consider Forgiveness, But Don’t Over Value it
Forgiveness is a personal choice that may take time and effort. It does not mean forgetting or condoning the breach of trust, but rather releasing the burden of anger and resentment in your nervous system.
Forgiveness can be a gradual process, and it's important to allow yourself to heal at your own pace. Professional guidance can be beneficial in navigating this complex emotional terrain.
Consider Acceptance Instead of Forgiveness
Acceptance means that it happened. You can not change things that have happened in the past.
All you can do is accept that it did happen and delve into the experience for whatever you might learn from it.
It’s usually a pain in the ass to learn from interpersonal betrayals, but there is always something that you can glean from it that you can be grateful for.
Perhaps you’ll find yourself in post-traumatic growth…
Like many of you, I’ve been fortunate to have experienced a few profoundly intimate betrayals throughout my life, starting with my birth parents. I’ve been fortunate, because, although I took my sweet-ass time about it, I got some post traumatic growth.
Post-traumatic growth is an adaptive sweet spot
Jim Morrison nailed it. Like a dog without a bone, or an actor out on loan, we are sometimes riders on the storm.
Every now and then, for most of us, (and too fu*king often, for some of us), we face traumatic events that can shake us to our emotional substrate.
However, Research to the rescue! Amidst the chaos and pain, there exists a glimmer of hope!
Post-traumatic growth (PTG) is a phenomenon that acknowledges the potential for personal transformation and positive change following traumatic experiences.
In this section, I’ll explore the concept of PTG, drawing on the groundbreaking work of psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, who have extensively researched and defined this transformative process.
What is post-traumatic growth?
Post-traumatic growth refers to the positive psychological changes that individuals experience after going through significant adversity, such as trauma, loss, or life-altering events. Family of origin crap (FOO), is a frequent fuel for this kind of growth.
Contrary to the commonly held notion that traumatic experiences lead only to negative outcomes, PTG suggests that individuals can emerge stronger, wiser, and more resilient.
In other words, if the FOO sh*ts, wear it…. own it… make meaning from it.
Tedeschi and Calhoun's research
Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun are Godfathers in the field of Post Traumatic Growth (PTG). Their work has provided valuable insights into the nature and mechanisms of this phenomenon. In their seminal paper titled "Posttraumatic Growth: Conceptual Foundations and Empirical Evidence," Tedeschi and Calhoun defined PTG as "positive change experienced as a result of the struggle with a major life crisis or a traumatic event."
The researchers identified five domains of post-traumatic growth that individuals may experience:
Personal Power: Traumatic experiences can lead individuals to discover inner strength, resilience, and the ability to endure challenges.
Appreciation of Life: Having faced adversity, individuals often gain a renewed appreciation for life's beauty, leading to a deeper sense of gratitude and a fresh perspective.
Improved Relationships: Trauma can inspire individuals to seek support from others, resulting in the strengthening of existing relationships and the formation of new connections.
Greater Existential Meaning and Purpose: In the face of adversity, individuals may reevaluate their life's purpose, finding new meaning and direction. This refocus on meaning and purpose is agape in action. I love the word agape, in this context, it’s just vague enough for me to get my point across. By agape, I mean the developed capacity to love not only other humans, but to love mankind. You’ll hear more from me on agape in future posts.
That’s why so many people who’ve had hellish childhoods become therapists…there’s so fu*king many of us (some claim we comprise 80% of all mental health clinicians, but I digress..).
Spiritual Growth: Trauma can spur spiritual and existential reflections, leading to a deepening of faith, purpose, or meaning, or an exploration of newly installed uber-beliefs and practices that we needed to adapt to justify our very next breath. I’ve never thought as carefully about the human condition than since my last serious betrayal.
Importance of support and coping mechanisms:
The journey towards post-traumatic growth is not linear, and it ain’t easy either.
Getting betrayed is some fu*ked up shit. It taxes the nervous system. It it frictive to soul, and is the cancelling of all joy.
When you are heavily fu*ked with in an intimate relationship, it requires active engagement and coping mechanisms to navigate the emotional challenges associated with your hot mess.
Social support networks, such as friends, family, or professional counselors, play a vital role in facilitating this growth process.
Tedeschi and Calhoun emphasize the significance of finding meaning in the traumatic event, reconstructing one's self-narrative, and utilizing adaptive coping strategies. This is Narrative Therapy on steroids.
Post-traumatic growth represents a slim, faint beacon of hope in the aftermath of trauma, providing some individuals with the potential for personal transformation and positive change. Don’t get your fu*king hopes up just yet.
The research of Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun has shed light on this remarkable phenomenon, offering insights into the domains of growth that can emerge from adversity. Read their books, if you’ve read this far.
By recognizing the power of resilience, support systems, and adaptive coping, individuals can embark on a journey of post-traumatic growth, harnessing their experiences to foster strength, gratitude, and purpose.
But there’s a sweet spot for growth. Perhaps the Good Lord can test us beyond all reason. Is there an upside to this torment?
The upside of betrayal…
What to do when deep Interpersonal betrayal visits you? Look for the upside.
It was 51 years ago when I visited my good friend James G. Pringleton laid up with two broken legs and a fractured wrist in the Lemuel Shattuck Hospital.
I looked up to Jim. He was a born leader, whip smart.
What I liked most about him as he looked at his life through an arc of intentionality. And that was a profound strength for him laid up in traction during that oppressively hot summer of 1972.
Another thing I admired about Jim was that he had a hot girlfriend. Sandy was a tall, cool, pale-skinned redhead with green eyes.
Before the motorcycle accident, They were delighted that they both got accepted into BU, which had gone coed only the year before.
One day I visited him. His eyes were wet. Immediately I knew something was very wrong…so I asked.
In a strained voice… as falsely matter of fact as a 20 year old could manage, he told me that his sister, (Sandy’s best friend), arriving late at a party, had accidentally wandered into a bedroom looking for a place to put her coat, and startled Sandy in the middle of pleasuring our mutual friend George “Georgy-boy” Astor, (yeah, wait for it…) Jim’s oldest, closest, childhood friend.
I remember thinking, holy sh*t…but I asked him a pretty good question, in retrospect…
“Jim, what does this mean for you?”
Jim gave me a hard stare. “I’m so fucking grateful. You don’t know this, Danny, but I was ring shopping.”
“Grateful?” I asked… I genuinely had no fu*king clue what he was talking about…
I’ll never forgot what he said next. It has stayed with me for more than half a century…
Danny, who we are matters. What we do matters. Who we decide to hold close to us and move through time with must be worthy of the journey…I know Sandy is unworthy NOW, not after I bought the ring… not after getting married… not after have a kid… or the 3 that I someday plan to have… Danny I know… NOW. ..and for that, and for the free and unfettered expanse of time before me…I am deeply, profoundly grateful.
That is what we call in the therapy biz, one helluva reframe…
Here’s another reframe. whatever sh*t I have been through…I think it’s helped me become a better therapist. Sure, if I had a conventional family of origin, if I were spared certain painful early experiences, I may have suffered less.
But an absence of suffering would have also meant that I also would not have had the growth opportunity that my early suffering presented. I accept what happened to me. But I don’t forgive anyone. I just make the fu*king lemonade, and I hope that I can make a difference here and there for everyone I engage with.
As a direct result of my suffering, I embarked on a journey of self discovery which lead to my realizing somewhat late in life that my highest aspiration is to become a thought leader in the field of couple and family therapy.
I’m eternally grateful that I somehow muddled through. Without meaningful suffering, I would have no reason to delve more deeply. Sometimes when we can peer through space and time, gratitude awaits to console us, that is, to help us savor its spiritual after taste.
Final thoughts about inconsolability
Healing from the inconsolability caused by a devastating breach of trust can be a difficult path. One that requires patience, self-care, and open communication. Healing into uncoupling is also quite common. This is about choosing growth over otherwise killing your soul.
It's essential to remember that healing and recovery are possible, even in the face of such profound betrayal. But this is a private process. Remember what my friend Jim said, worthiness… matters.
By seeking support, practicing self-care, engaging in open and honest communication, and setting clear fu*king boundaries, you can begin to explore the possibility of rebuilding trust, but go into a selfish period, first. Focus on creating a more vibrant future for yourself… with or without your relationship, if need be.
However, whether you decide to stay together and work on it or not, you can come to trust your reasons for leaving, as well. When you’re deeply betrayed, trust your gut. It’s more often right than not.
Remember to be kind to yourself throughout the process
Recovering from an egregious breach of trust is not a linear process. Healing takes time, and you deserve compassion and understanding as you move forward…if you move forward.
But watch out for inconsolability. Gottman sometimes threw up his hands in the face of it. It’s tough to work with if you want to stay married.
As powerful as those feelings may be, long-term inconsolability is incompatible with effectively repairing a breach of trust.
.“If my wife is in pain, my world stops so I can listen to her.” In a committed relationship, you will both stop the world to try to understand and ease each other’s pain.
This is partly why we get married, and this is partly why we love. We need each other and we need to be needed by each other. True commitment is choosing each other over and over again.
― John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Interpersonal betrayal requires us to assess what truly is, as opposed to what we truly wish for. Intimate betrayal is a uniquely human experience, which is perhaps why we are all so deeply inflected by it (as in an inflection point).
But let’s face it. It’s also a common experience to, at various points in our intimate lives with the same, or different partners, to be either the betrayer, or the betrayed.
It’s helpful to remember our prior experience, however well-intended, at the opposite polarity.
Sometimes we struggle to confront the grief of not being chosen, and other times we bestow the grief of no longer choosing our long-term partner…
Please enter a selfish period of meaningful suffering in truth, and Godspeed.
The sun is blinding
Dizzy golden, dancing green
Through the park in the afternoon
Wondering where the hell… I have been?
Suzanne Vega
REFERENCES:
Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (1996). The Posttraumatic Growth Inventory: Measuring the positive legacy of trauma. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 9(3), 455-471.
Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1-18.
