Are our relationship expectations too high?
Tuesday, June 25, 2024.
So you’re scrolling through Instagram, seeing one perfect relationship post after another.
Happy couples on exotic vacations, surprise gifts, candle-lit dinners.
It’s enough to make anyone wonder if their own relationship measures up.
But what if I told you that these high expectations, fueled by social media and Hollywood fantasies, might be setting us up for disappointment?
We’ve come to expect our partners to be everything to us—our best friend, our confidant, our passionate lover, our financial rock.
The truth is, expecting one person to fulfill all these roles is not only unrealistic but also a recipe for dissatisfaction.
Let’s consider the profound implications of these expectations and explore the struggle to create more balanced and fulfilling relationships.
If we were to get all our ideas about intimate relationships from social media, scripted shows, and movies, we'd believe our partner should:
Be our best friend
Be our erotic partner
Support us in pursuit of our goals
Be our romantic partner
Be a good financial provider
Participate in household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning
Be a good parent
And be a source of security and stability
WOW! Even if someone manages to be all these things during the early stages of a relationship, it's impossible to keep up.
How would they have time to take care of their own needs, such as rest, exercise, and time for their own fun and friendships?
American Cinema and popular culture don't tend to show partners doing those things for themselves.
The historical perspective
Historically, marriage in the United States served more practical purposes. People married to join families, for political alliances, or to run a household or farm together. They married to procreate and ensure lineage. They did not expect their partner to be their everything.
This new concept of relationships, which demands one person to fulfill all roles, some say, is setting us up for failure.
Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his work on marital stability, points out, "The most important thing in marriage is not how you argue but how you repair. "If we expect our partners to be everything all the time, we set ourselves up for failure and miss the crucial act of repair in our relationships.”
Gottman's research shows that couples who maintain a ratio of five positive interactions to every negative one are far more likely to stay together. Unrealistic expectations disrupt this balance, making it harder to achieve the necessary positive interactions.
Our modern American dilemma
Today, we expect our partners to fulfill roles that entire communities used to provide.
Esther Perel, a prominent psychotherapist and author, addresses this modern conundrum in her book Mating in Captivity.
She says, "We expect our partner to give us what once an entire village used to provide." Perel’s insight highlights that these high expectations are both unrealistic and historically unprecedented. Our ancestors relied on a community to meet their diverse needs. Today, we often tend pile all these needs onto one person. This, I feel, is an aspect of our Cultural Narcissism.
The impact of social media and pop culture
Social media and pop culture exacerbate these unrealistic expectations. “Just Do It! “ is more than a tagline; it’s an attitude.
We see highlight reels of other people's lives and relationships, leading us to believe that perfection is the norm.
We compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else's highlight reel, which fosters dissatisfaction and restlessness. It's easy to think that if our partner isn’t living up to these standards, we need to move on.
The reality of American modern intimacy
In the current era of profound uncertainty in the USA, understanding intimacy is more critical than ever.
With the pressures of economic instability, political polarization, and a global pandemic, our relationships are under tremendous stress. People seek security and stability from their partners more than ever before, but this only compounds their unrealistic expectations.
Gottman’s research emphasizes that couples who succeed are those who turn towards each other in times of need. He states, "What determines the success of a marriage is how you respond to bids for connection." This means acknowledging and valuing each other's efforts, even if they fall short of the unattainable ideal.
Practical steps to manage expectations
With this understanding, it’s essential to ask yourself 2 compelling questions:
How can you notice and thank your partner for the needs they do fulfill?
Appreciation goes a long way. Acknowledging what your partner does well helps build a positive atmosphere in your relationship.
It’s about shifting your focus from what's lacking to what's present. I deeply appreciate the emphasis Esther has placed on appreciation and gratitude.
Perel suggests, "Gratitude is one of the keys to a happy relationship. Recognize the small things your partner does and express your appreciation."
How can you strengthen your network of social supports so that you have these various needs met without demanding them all from one person?
Build a community around you. Friends, family, colleagues, and even hobbies can provide the support and fulfillment that one person alone cannot.
Diversifying your sources of emotional and practical support can reduce the burden on your partner and enhance your relationship.
Expanding our support networks with intention
In his book Bowling Alone (2000), Robert Putnam discusses the erosion of community in American life. He argues that our social networks have weakened. Is it true that, as a result, we place more demands on our romantic partners?
I’ve mentioned his work before because his observations are even more compelling in 2024.
By rebuilding these networks, we can distribute our needs more evenly and relieve some of the pressure on our intimate relationships.
Final thoughts
As we navigate these challenging times, it's vital to re-evaluate our relationship expectations. By understanding that no one person can fulfill all our needs, we can foster healthier, more realistic expectations. This shift not only improves our intimate relationships but also enhances our overall well-being.
Esther Perel offers a valuable perspective: "The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life." By managing our expectations and appreciating our partners for who they are, rather than what they lack, we can create more fulfilling and resilient relationships.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books.
Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Harper.
Putnam, R. D. (2000). Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. Simon & Schuster.
