5 Touch Types to Transform Your Relationship
Tuesday, June 25, 2024.
When most long-term couples think about affection, they often picture either a quick peck on the cheek or a full-on romantic encounter.
But as I often remind couples, falling into the trap of equating sex solely with intercourse can limit your potential for both affection and intimacy.
According to sex therapists Barry McCarthy and E. McCarthy in their book "Enhancing Couple Sexuality," this mindset leads to lower levels of both affection and intercourse.
To avoid this trap, let’s consider how you and your partner discover and communicate about the various types of touch you enjoy.
Spoiler alert: there’s a whole spectrum of touch to explore.
Type 1: Friendly Touch - The Handshake of the Heart
Think of this as the affectionate equivalent of a friendly handshake. This includes hugs, holding hands, and a peck on the lips. It's the kind of touch you might share with your kids, family, and close friends—completely platonic but deeply connecting.
Type 2: Sensual Touch - The Cozy Comfort
Imagine curling up with your favorite blanket on a chilly evening. Sensual touch involves clothed cuddling, massages, foot rubs, back scratches, and even brushing hair. It takes more time than friendly touch and allows the receiver to feel cared for. This type of touch acts as a gentle bridge to sexual desire, whether immediately or over time.
Type 3: Playful Touch - The Fun and Flirty
Remember the joy of playing tag as a kid? Playful touch brings that spirit into your relationship. This includes showering together, intimate dancing, mixing genital and non-genital touches, and playful games like strip poker or Twister. It introduces unpredictability, fun, and laughter—just ensure the humor isn't at your partner’s expense.
Type 4: Erotic Touch - The Sensual Symphony
This is where things get more intimate. Erotic touch includes sexual, genital contact that might lead to orgasm but doesn’t have to. This can involve manual, oral, or anal sex, and the use of vibrators or toys. It’s about exploring each other’s bodies and enjoying mutual pleasure, whether one-way, reciprocal, or mutual.
Type 5: Intercourse - The Intimate Dance
Penis-in-vagina intercourse is a natural continuation of your shared pleasure journey. It's not a pass-fail performance test but rather a dance of intimacy. For many women, additional clitoral stimulation is needed to achieve orgasm during penetrative sex. Just sayin’.
Final thoughts
I’m not a sex therapist, but I hang out with a few and talk shop.
We agreed that often, touches in Types 1-4 can lead to intercourse, but they don't have to.
A common concern we hear is, “If I touch my partner at all, they'll think I want sex.” The key here is communication.
Let your partner know upfront what your intention is. If they might feel disappointed, that’s okay.
Share this blog post, or explain these types of touch to your partner, and discuss the importance of communicating about touch and intimacy.
Even when touch doesn’t lead to an orgasm or intercourse, it’s still a powerful connecting moment. Please appreciate that as fully as you can. It matters.
You and your partner are sharing something unique that strengthens your bond. You’ll enjoy more pleasure and a variety of touches if you relax expectations and let go of unspoken goals.
Sexuality is more than just intercourse—it’s about sharing pleasure in all its forms.
I encourage you to discuss these 5 Types of Touch with your partner and explore your preferences. So do my sex therapist buds.
Here’s the Most Essential Take-Away:
Couples often don’t realize how they've overlooked or neglected Sensual, Playful, and even Erotic touch over time.
Instead of mind-reading or fighting about nothing, practice touching in all these types to broaden your physical connection, with no other goal than to enjoy the profounf satisfaction that specific type of touch provides in the moment.
Remember, it’s always about the present moment.
…and in that moment, embrace a more varied and flexible approach to connecting with your partner. You can thank me later.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Southern, S. (2018). Good Enough Sex: An Interview With Barry McCarthy. The Family Journal. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480718804792
