Attachment, Differentiation, and Estrangement
7/7/23 Writing on a train…I am lucky enough to be lumbering in a southerly direction for a weekend with family. I’m on a slow train to Fredericksburg Virginia. I’ll be greeted by my son and I’ll visit with my grandkids for the weekend. Life is good…and I hope it is for you as well, gentle reader.
Parent-adult child estrangement is a complex and emotionally charged phenomenon that can profoundly impact folks and families.
Being curious about the dynamics of attachment and differentiation can provide valuable insights into the underlying causes and consequences of this increasingly common form of estrangement. I find myself working more and more estrangement cases.
It’s now estimated that one in a dozen Americans is estranged from a close family member. Up to this point, we’ve had little research or discussion on this issue. But that is starting to change.
In this blog post, I’ll explore into the concepts of attachment and differentiation, drawing on the work of John Bowlby, Murray Bowen and Kylie Agllias, reflecting on how these factors contribute to parent-adult child estrangement.
Attachment and its impact
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, highlights the significance of early emotional bonds between infants and their caregivers. Human beings are hard-wired for attachment.
If secure attachment can emerge, it will foster a sense of safety, trust, and emotional connection. The foundation for healthy relationships throughout life is established in our first, few, formatively critical years.
However, when the attachment bond is repeatedly disrupted or insecure, it can lead to conflicts and challenges in adult relationships, including the eventual parent-adult child relationship dynamic that will unfold in later life.
Murray Bowen, a renowned psychiatrist and family therapist, expanded on Bowlby's work. Bowen introduced the intriguing concept of differentiation. Bowen's Family Systems Theory emphasizes how individual differentiation influences the dynamics within families.
What is Differentiation?
Differentiation is the ability to maintain one's well-regulated emotional autonomy (i.e., keeping your sh*t together) while simultaneously being connected to beloved counterparts (who might well be losing their sh*t in your presence at the same time).
Differentiation and its role
In the context of parent-adult child estrangement, differentiation plays an essential role.
Partners/parents with low levels of differentiation may struggle to establish healthy boundaries with their life partners/progeny.
They may be unskilled at expressing their needs, or manage their emotional reactivity. This can contribute to enmeshed or emotionally dependent relationships.The sheer math of sequentially unsatisfying interactions may predictably undermine the development of healthy interdependent identities in both parents and adult children.
Kylie Agllias, a researcher and family therapist specializing in estrangement, expanded on Bowen's work by applying differentiation theory to the study of estrangement.
Agllias suggests that estrangement often emerges from a lack of differentiated identities within family systems. When individuals fail to establish and maintain a separate sense of self, conflicts and emotional entanglements can arise, potentially leading to estrangement.
Attachment and differentiation in estrangement
Parent-adult child estrangement is a complex interplay between attachment and differentiation dynamics. In some cases, insecure or disrupted attachments in early childhood can set the stage for strained relationships in adulthood.
Narratives of the precipitating wvent of a cutoff often describe a seemingly inconsequential event, unreasonably interpreted with bias, if not malevolence.
However, research tells us that it’s more often a long history of unresolved conflicts, unmet emotional needs, or patterns of abuse and emotional neglect can erode the parent-child bond and tip the relational center of gravity into estrangement.
Bowen was keen on recognizing differentiation as emblematic of relational health. Bowen posited that low levels of differentiation within the family system could intensify conflict and create emotional turmoil.
When partners and parents lack the ability to differentiate their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors from those of their intimate others in their family of origin, they may experience an ongoing sh*t show.
Low levels of differentiation will impede your ability to navigate disagreements or address unresolved issues effectively. This can perpetuate cycles of blame, resentment, and withdrawal, ultimately leading to estrangement.
Moving towards reconciliation
Understanding attachment and differentiation dynamics can provide a framework for healing and reconciliation in parent-adult child estrangement. Both parents and adult children can benefit from exploring their attachment styles, addressing unresolved emotional wounds, and working on developing their capacity for differentiation.
Therapeutic interventions based on Bowen's Family Systems Theory and Agllias's work can assist families in untangling complex emotional dynamics and fostering healthier relationships. This may involve improving communication, setting boundaries, and enhancing emotional autonomy while maintaining connections. I can help with that.
Ambiguous loss & disenfranchised grief
Parent-adult child estrangement can be very complex, influenced by both attachment and differentiation dynamics. Cut-offs don’t come out of nowhere. Attachment and differentiation dynamics play out on a daily basis. It’s an accretion of either healthy connection, or toxic consternation.
Family estrangement is the physical distancing and loss of affection between family members, often due to intense conflict or ongoing disagreement. It’s become, by many reports, an epidemic of concern in both family and couples therapy.
Thought leaders are thinking about disenfranchised grief & ambiguous loss…
Thought leaders are beginning to connect the current epidemic of parent-adult estrangement, and familial cut-offs with Pauline Boss's (2006) concept of ambiguous loss, and Dr. Kenneth Doka's (1989) notions about disenfranchised grief.
I’m particularly grateful for Dr. Doka’s careful science-based debunking of the Kubler-Ross “stages of grief” bullsh*t, which has given American culture an unhealthy aesthetic of grief, with a dubious, grieving “to do” list.
People who are more emotional may not be disenfranchised early in the process, but may be later.
Those who grieve actively may have the reverse experience.
If you feel disenfranchised, try to understand what’s stopping you from getting support.
Where should the empathy be coming from? Do people not understand? Are you not reaching out for support? It may be that the griever needs to take control of their own support. Saying “I need your help” might be necessary. Dr. Kenneth Doka
While healthy, secure attachment lays the foundation for secure relationships, a lack of differentiation within the family system can contribute to emotional enmeshment and conflict.
Recognizing these factors and seeking good family therapy can pave the way for understanding, healing, and the potential for reconciliation. I can help with that.
Look, for a lot of folks, grappling with the concepts of attachment and differentiation, is a heartbreaking tug of war. They may a sort of emotional paralysis… as if their grief were somehow… invalid.
It made sense that estrangement could also spur ambiguous loss.
What is ambiguous loss?
Dr. Pauline Boss coined this term to refer to a lack of information and closure that surrounds the loss of a loved one.
The essence of ambiguous loss is all about the lack of resolution. Pauline identifies 2 types of ambiguous loss.
Type-1 Ambiguous Loss
Type-one deals with physical loss, like when you don’t know for sure whether someone you love has died or what has happened to them. Think, for example, of a parent whose child has been kidnapped or a person whose spouse has gone missing on military deployment.
Dr. Boss calls this category physical absence with psychological presence, a type of ambiguous loss that occurs when someone you love is physically absent under unknown, uncertain or unresolved circumstances.
Examples Include Loss as a Result Of:
Unexplained Disappearances, Like an Abduction.
War and Acts of Terrorism.
Deportation and Genocide.
Natural Disasters.
This Kind of Ambiguous Loss Can also Come From a Loss of Contact, even if you Know where the Person Is, or What Has Happened to Them. This kind of Ambiguous Loss Includes Circumstances Such As:
Estrangement.
Imprisonment.
Divorce.
Separation due to immigration.
As an example, think about what happens after a divorce…you know your ex-spouse continues to walk the earth. But they no longer inhabit your life as they once did when you were married. That’s an extremely common form of ambiguous loss.
Another modern example of type 1 Ambiguous loss is the dating termination trend known as ghosting — when someone you’ve been dating simply ceases to respond and goes dark, leaving you bewildered and alone.
Type-2 Ambiguous Loss
This type of ambiguous loss refers to a psychological loss, including a mental or emotional disappearance (like when someone’s personality has changed so much that they no longer seem like the person you once knew).
Dr. Boss describes it as “psychological absence with physical presence.” Your loved one is physically present, but they’ve changed, whether emotionally or cognitively (or both). It’s interesting that Dr. Bowen always described a kind of cutoff that maintained a physical proximity with a concurrent emotional distance.
Examples Include Changes Caused By:
Alzheimer’s Disease and Other Forms of Dementia.
Traumatic Brain Injury.
Drug and/or Alcohol Addiction.
Depression or Other chronic Mental Illness.
“Anything you have you can lose; anything you are attached to, you can be separated from; anything you love can be taken away from you. Yet if you really have nothing to lose, you have nothing.” Richard Kalish
Final thoughts…
Human grief depends on narrative for closure.
Our brains are not only wired for connection with other humans, we also wired to analyze our circumstances and environment in order to make sense of our suffering, and attain safety, especially when we lose close family bonds inexplicably.
Ambiguous loss can be harmful; because, in plain english, a lack of closure can prolong your grief, extend your meaningless suffering, and inhibit your healing.
Not having an answer to explain a parent adult-child cutoff can lead some parents to spend the rest of their lives ruminating, but resistant to asking for help.
If you’d like to better manage an estrangement from your adult child, or other close family member, contact me for a free exploratory phone call.
Be well, Stay Kind, and God speed.
REFERENCES:
Agllias, K. (2016). Family Estrangement: A matter of perspective (1st ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315581910
