New research from Greece: My 12 big, fat, beautiful relationship challenges…
Sunday July 9, 2023. Fredericksburg Virginia. I wrote this for my friends in Greece at Meraki Branding, who built me this gorgeous website.
We Americans like intimacy. We’re all for it.
We keep hammering away at with more optimism than common sense sometimes. It’s estimated that one in two American marriages ends in divorce.
Other data show that approximately 33% of all humans find it difficult to maintain their enduring intimate bonds… So here’s the critical question…
What makes sustaining an intimate relationship so fu*king hard?
I’ve been reading the journal, Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences (it gives me the willies, sometimes, frankly). A research paper from Greece appeared in that peer-reviewed journal in 2015.
It Purports to Answer That Very Question!
A research team led by psychologist Menelaos Apostolou of the University of Nicosia in Greece found that ‘fading enthusiasm,’ (erosion of limerence) ‘long work hours,’ (poor work life balance) and ‘lack of personal time and space’ (the emerging science of human proxemics which, BTW, has exploded during the lockdown).
These are the 3 most pervasive issues that prevent couples from enduring, and moving through time.
These Greek researchers also claim that only about 30% of humans find it easy-peasy to maintain an ongoing long-intimate relationship….Yikes!
But Remember Gottman’s entire method is based on analyzing the sh*t out of that 30%. We Got This!
How the study was designed
The researchers secured the participation of 123 Greek adults to participate in a 40-minute survey interview.
During the interview, the subjects discussed various ongoing struggles they had in their romantic relationships. The researchers monitored the struggles mentioned. They identifying nearly 80 (78), and grouped them into 12 broad themes. Finally, the themes were ranked from most pervasive to least often found.
Here’s What These Greek Researchers Uncovered:
The 12 most pervasive struggles (rank ordered) that prevent us from maintaining ongoing intimate bonds:
Encroaching Boredom and Lost Limerence. The top concern of these Greek couples has to do with the difficulty of sustaining energy and enthusiasm in a long-term relationship. Many respondents reported that long-term relationships were tiring and they eventually got bored. They also feel that the passion and romantic intensity faded dissapointingly sooner than expected.
It seems that in Greece, fading enthusiasm is especially problematic among respondents who also struggled with their work-life balance and daily routines.
Overinvestment in Long Working Hours.. Previous researchers have posited that divorce rates can be predicted by the length of a spouse’s commute. This new Greek research backs that hypothesis. Workaholic spouses with a sh*tty work-life balance, not surprisingly, were less able to sustain a long-term intimate bond..
A Feeling of Personal Encroachment.. Feeling ‘suffocated’ or complaining about lacking ‘me time’ was another struggle detected in these Greek couples. Study subjects reported that that they sometimes felt suffocated by their relationship, or felt that their partner was nagging them, this issue floated top and center to the center of their attention.
Personality Disorders and Neurodiversity Get Smushed Together in Yet Another Research Project.. It’s curious that these researchers reported that respondents who self identified as “quirky” (neurodiverse?) or “selfish” (narcissitically inclined?) also reported having struggled to sustain a long-term intimate bonds. It’s also noteworthy that insecure partners who complain often to their romantic partners — perhaps expressing a serious case of anxious attachment, also struggle to find the emotional stamina for a long walk through time with the same dude.
Cobra & Pitbull Partners. — Partners who controlling and easily jealous (i.e. Pitbull & Cobra husbands)
Poor Sexual Chemistry. In Greece, sex matters, it seems. The study subjects reported that sex was an important part of a happy married life. Many respondents reported that disputes about frequency and satisfaction could be extremely threatening to the relationship.
Infidelity, Sexual Neglect, and Abuse.. Lacking sexual interest in a partner, or engaging in infidelities, is one reason that prevents relationships from lasting. Abuse, particularly in the form of physical violence, is another factor for these Greek couples.
Kid Centrism. .Some couples with children report feeling that their kiddo suck an unreasonable amount of time and attention can lead to devitalization in Greek marriages. Some Greek subjects also reported ongoing squabbles about conflicting parenting styles was another common stressor.
Maintaining an “As-If” Relationship. These Greek respondents discussed several problematic themes; not taking their partners’ needs into consideration, or neglecting their partner, as serious challenges. The tropes mentioned by these Greek study subjects were ‘becoming distant,’ ‘taking one’s partner for granted,’ ‘not being honest,’ ‘not compromising,’ and ‘not tolerating a partner’s idiosyncrasies.’
Romeo and Juliet in Couples Therapy.. Many other international studies have confirmed the same data; If you’ve got in-law issues, or ongoing conflicts with your partner’s other family members, you’re in an unstable world of hurt in your marriage.
Poor Impulse Control.. Partners in Greece who can’t keep it zipped also struggle to sustain a trusting, enduring relationships. However it’s interesting to note some subtle ideas here. These Greek study subjects did not need to be cheating on their partners to struggle with poor impulse control.
Fear of missing out (FOMO), or constantly making mental comparisons with potential new partners, without engaging in an affair, and especially, a long lingering gaze at attractive others can be sufficient to stress a Greek couple to the breaking point
Behavioral Issues.. This one is pretty much a universal. Substance addiction issues (pot, alcohol, or harder), or an ongoing interventional family dynamic (I imagine that all sorts of direct family interventions are more common in Greece than in the US).
Final Thoughts
This was a interesting little study, and it has an impressive resonance. Especially because Dr. Apostolou and his team are such outstanding and prolific social science researchers.
Many of the themes here have also emerged in other studies: kid-centrism, behavior issues, work-life balance, etc. Do any of these challenges resonate with you? I can help with that.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Apostolou, M. (2015). Past, present and why people struggle to establish and maintain intimate relationships. Evol. Behav. Sci. 9, 257–269. doi: 10.1037/ebs0000052
CrossRef Full Text | Google Scholar
