2 Findings from an Ashley Madison study may change how we look at infidelity

MAY 22, 2023. Currently, I’m working with several dinged and dented marriages because life is too short, and one of them had an affair with the capitalistic cooperation of Ashley Madison. I find this study troubling, because it indicates a spiritual malaise and an expanding trend of narcissism in American culture.

A recently published study on infidelity throws a spotlight on the complex and contradictory psychological nature of extra-relational affairs. Researchers at Johns Hopkins University and the University of Western Ontario delved into the minds of users of Ashley Madison, a notorious dating platform specifically designed for those seeking extra-marital affairs.

The results from this intriguing research challenges long-standing assumptions about why people cheat. We now have a sh*tload of fresh questions about the fidelity of human behavior within intimate relationships.

This groundbreaking study, one of the most comprehensive investigations of its kind, unearths a number of paradoxical findings. Perhaps the most striking is that many of those engaged in extramarital affairs reported harboring strong feelings of love towards their primary partners.

This seemingly contradictory behavior uncovers a puzzling intersection of emotional attachment and infidelity, suggesting that the reasons behind unfaithful behavior are far more nuanced than previously understood.

The research reveals that individuals can grapple with moral dissonance, endorsing values that ostensibly prohibit infidelity, while simultaneously engaging in affairs

The erosion of moral guilt… 

“In popular media, television shows and movies and books, people who have affairs have this intense moral guilt and we don’t see that in this sample of participants,” explains lead author Dylan Selterman, an associate teaching professor in Johns Hopkins University’s Department of Psychological & Brain Sciences, in a statement.

“Ratings for satisfaction with affairs was high – sexual satisfaction and emotional satisfaction. And feelings of regret were low. These findings paint a more complicated picture of infidelity compared to what we thought we knew.”

The research involved the analysis of responses from a large cohort of Ashley Madison users. Through careful data analysis, researchers were able to paint a vivid picture of the motivations and sentiments experienced by those involved in extramarital affairs. Despite maintaining significant emotional bonds with their partners, these individuals indulged in these affairs, and derived considerable physical and emotional satisfaction from them.

Not only did they experience pleasure from these affairs, but they also expressed little remorse or regret over their actions.

The study found that men who cheat typically still have strong feelings of love for their spouse.

These results pose a significant challenge to our “common sense” folk wisdom surrounding infidelity.

Our standard American cultural trope attributes infidelity to dissatisfaction within the primary relationship. It was “common sense” to assess that having an affair was either because they were unhappy with their partners, struggling mightily within in their relationship, or seeking something that their current relationships can not, or will not not offer. This study, however, suggests a far more complex reality.

Diversity of motivations to cheat

Interestingly, despite their cheating ways, the study participants still displayed a high degree of love for their partners, made substantial, ongoing efforts to improve their relationships, and even reported high personal life satisfaction. These are factors that are often indicative of fidelity…and yet they coexisted alongside the participants’ current infidelity.

Notably, sexual dissatisfaction was identified as a prominent motivation for pursuing affairs. This observation underscores the idea that satisfaction in a relationship and desire for extramarital experiences are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

“People have a diversity of motivations to cheat,” notes Selterman. “Sometimes they’ll cheat even if their relationships are pretty good. We don’t see solid evidence here that people’s affairs are associated with lower relationship quality or lower life satisfaction.”

The demographic scope of the study was primarily middle-aged, predominantly male users of Ashley Madison.

While this skewed sample does limit the ability to generalize the findings across different genders and age groups, it nonetheless provides unique insights into a demographic that has been less frequently studied in the current context of American infidelity.post-pandemic.

No regrets

Perhaps the most important finding of this study was that the quality of the primary relationship did not predict feelings of regret following affairs, nor did it necessarily decrease as a result of the participants’ infidelity.

This contradicts prior research suggesting that infidelity is an indicator of unresolved problems in the relationship. What I find challenging about this study is that it raises new questions about the interplay between relationship satisfaction and infidelity.

While the study offers new insights, researchers also caution that more research is needed.

The study had some constraints, such as the size of the sample for the longitudinal data was smaller than anticipated. Although this study teases us with some provocative initial insights, further research that could replicate and expand upon these findings, might help couples therapists navigate affair recovery with greater skill.

I’ve had many clients who have become entangled with Ashley Madison. Now I’m wondering if part of the struggle is the cultural trope that their efforts toward affair recovery is marinated in.

“The take-home point for me is that maintaining monogamy or sexual exclusivity especially across the lifespan is really, really hard and I think people assume monogamy as a given when they’re committed to someone in a marriage.

People just assume that their partners are going to be totally satisfied having sex with one person for the next 50 years of their lives but a lot of people fail at it. It doesn’t mean everyone’s relationship is doomed, it means that infidelity might be a common, but deeply misunderstood aspect of intimate relationships.”