Fu*k couples therapy… waste of time and money…what can we do instead? …Here are 12 things…
May 28, 2023. Please excuse the blunt language. If you value investing in your relationship, feel free to skip this post.
Cultivate a Shared Sense of “We-ness.” When one of you is down, the other is by their side…that is we-ness… the rest is commentary. Don’t inflict needless attachment injuries on your partner by being relationally lazy or entitled. When your partner is down physically, psychologically, or emotionally help them up, for Chrissake. This intimacy sh*t is hard. Don’t be an asshole.
Maintain an Erotic Connection. Extractive capitalism has a plan for you; kid centrism. Don’t leave it all on the field of battle where your kids are concerned. Hold time in reserve for active, ongoing date nights, as well as other “couple time” activities.
Open your Social Media Accounts with Transparency and Curiosity. Beware friending attractive others from your past. Review the people who populate your contacts. Throw troublesome types overboard with certainty and resolve. According to a recent study, nearly 80% of all divorce proceedings in the USA have the word “Facebook” mentioned in the legal transcript. Don’t flirt, or “simmer” potential new relationships on Facebook.
Gentlemen, please accept the fact that your partner’s natural inclination is to bitch you out from time to time. Women make 80% of the complaints, and they usually suck at it. Don’t get all worked up over it. Don’t pull a Fredo. Tell her your feeling defensive, and ask her to put it a different way. There’s a world of fu*king difference between feeling defensive and acting or speaking defensively. If you’re feeling defensive, you have to ask for a do-over. Listen and try to collaborate on solutions. Ladies: complain gently. Don’t attack. This free blog may help you with that.
Ladies, When your Man Does Something Praiseworthy…Praise Him. Praise isn’t just for the Lord. men require positive feedback of respect, validation, and appreciation more than you fu*king realize. But don’t expect your husband to complain about it, because he probably won’t. Gentlemen: Notice when you are praised and validated and say fu*king “Thanks.”
If You Have a Doozy of a Fight on Sunday, Unpack it Objectively on Thursday. Carefully inspect your side of the street with a fight autopsy after a particularly nasty fight. Fess up what you did to make the fight nasty, and identify what needs to change in order to extinguish that regrettable behavior. I can teach you that.. oh wait… never mind.
Be Concrete AF. If you are unhappy, find a time when both of you are well rested, sober, and well fed, and talk about your unhappiness without using that awful, vile 4 letter word…: “You!” Talk about what you want instead and be as concrete as f*ck.
Kaizen your Relationship. There’s a Persian proverb that goes “Little by little a thread of wool becomes a carpet.” Do positive small things every day, even if you are the only one. In couples therapy for one, I work on helping one partner to change the game. You can do it, without my expensive help, if you can really focus on what your partner is asking for and give it to them with a clean fu*king heart, or explain why not with an equally clean heart.
The Triple A Trifecta is a Red fu*king Flag. squabbles, spats, and even knock down drag out, screamfests don’t destroy relationships. That’s the job of the Triple A Trifecta.. They are…Affairs, Addiction, and Abuse ( either physical or emotional). What the Trifecta has in common is that they erode trust, and also constitute 3 distinct varieties of betrayal. Don’t try to solve these at home.
Be Jealous of Time and Don’t Give it freely to Extractive Capitalism. Hey, I’m as much of an extractive capitalist as the next guy, but don’t accept an employment lifestyle that will render you rich and riotously unhappy,. As a couple, you need the 5 to 1 ratio math working in your favor. Don’t steal time away from being good friends and hanging out together. It’s hard to function in a relationship as two ships passing in the fu*king night.
Don’t Seek Emotional Validation at Work. Extractive capitalism used to throw attractive people together like bugs in a jar. Now fewer do, and many larger employers have more intrusive rules about workplace relationships. Have firm boundaries. Don’t enjoy the attention of attractive others at work on a private basis. Don’t look so fu*king puzzled… you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Accept the Premise that Conflict is an Ordinary Part of Intimacy. Occasional conflicts are baked in the cake, but escalation is the enemy. It can fry your nervous system, and teach it how to stay reliably fried. I can help you learn to de-escate before you f*ck things up beyond all recognition. This means developing new skills, like noticing when either of you are “flooded” (heart rate over 100 bpm) and them learning exactly what to do to re-balance your nervous system during a 20-30 minute break. I hope you can handle that, but, no worries, I can help with that, because you’re probably gonna need it.
