4 Robust defense mechanisms that can complicate your conflicts

5/23/23

4 Robust defense mechanisms that can complicate your conflicts

Most therapists won’t describe the struggle against behaving defensively is also a struggle with how your nervous system was shaped in your family of origin, but that’s what I tell my clients.

Recognize your defensiveness. The key to avoiding defensiveness is to take responsibility for your specific role in the issue at hand, while expressing curiosity in your partner’s experience.

Acknowledge your role in the problem. Accept responsibility for your contribution to the conflict.

When you acquire the skills to do this, you will find that you can have a real dialogue with your partner, once you deal with the predictable speed bump of defensiveness which is built into all human nervous systems.

Here are Four Defense Mechanisms that are Particularly Robust, and can Complicate Your Conflicts.

• Intellectualization

Intellectualization is a defense mechanism characterized by an excessive reliance what is described as logic, rational thought and detached analysis. My personal favorite!

The habit of taking a stance of cool, dispassionate logic may be an attempt to avoid or distance oneself from emotional or distressing situations. Intellectualization is seductive to highly intelligent clients because it ostensibly offers a sense of control and reduce emotional vulnerability by focusing narrowly on the intellectual aspects of a situation while disregarding its emotional implications.

For example, someone who receives a diagnosis of a serious illness may engage in exhaustive research and endless discussions about medical treatments and statistics for outcomes, while avoiding confronting their very real fears or emotional overwhelm.

• Undoing

Undoing is a defense mechanism in which we engage in acts or behaviors that symbolically negate or counterbalance previous unacceptable thoughts, desires, or actions. This mechanism serves as a direct approach to alleviate guilt, anxiety, or discomfort associated with these thoughts or behaviors that will get us into trouble with our partner. I love this one too. I’ve actually walked out of conversations in a fugue state in order to immediately undo something, just to silence my partner, and get her to shut the fu*k up.

For instance, I see this one all the time…someone who feels guilty about flirting with a coworker… so they delete the flirty texts and messages.

Psychologist Melanie Klein highlighted “undoing” as a means for individuals to repair damaged relationships and restore internal equilibrium. Through symbolic actions or behaviors, individuals attempt to rectify their perceived wrongs and alleviate the emotional burdens associated with their previous actions.

• Regression

Regression refers to the defense mechanism when we revert to earlier stages of development or adopt childlike behaviors as a way to cope with overwhelming stress or anxiety.

When we’re faced with overwhelming situations, we may regress and exhibit behaviors, thoughts, or emotional patterns reminiscent of earlier, less mature stages of their lives.

It was Freud who first introduced the concept of regression, emphasizing its association with unconscious desires to seek comfort and security. Regression allows us to retreat temporarily to a time when we felt safer and more nurtured, offering respite from immediate challenges.

• Acting Out

Acting out is a defense mechanism where individuals express their internal conflicts or emotions through impulsive or inappropriate behaviors rather than slowing down, and confronting or dealing with the uncomfortable feeling directly.

The release of tension through impulsive actions, which may be socially unacceptable, contrary to the individual's usual behavior patterns, or obviously self-protective us the essence of acting out.

Psychiatrist Anna Freud highlighted the role of acting out as a way for individuals, especially children and adolescents, to channel repressed emotions, desires, or conflicts into concrete external actions.

When we acting out, we’re unconsciously trying to relieve our inner distress, although we may also know at the same time, that it may lead to negative consequences or a strained conversation in the near term future.

Conflict avoidant dynamics and passive agressive dynamics often exhibit acting out defense mechanisms. I’ll be writing more about that in upcoming posts.

Face into your defensiveness

By recognizing and addressing our defensive tendencies, we can cultivate healthier and more constructive interactions with others. Additionally, self-reflection and awareness of our own defensive patterns can lead to personal growth and increased emotional resilience.

It is important to notice that while our defense mechanisms serve a purpose in managing our psychological stress, when we excessive rely on them, we are choosing to prize safety over connection, and we are being relationally lazy.

Final thoughts on hard-wired defensiveness

Defensiveness takes on various forms, each offering insights into the intricate workings of the human mind.

By examining defense mechanisms such as reaction formation, projection, denial, and rationalization, we gain a deeper understanding of how individuals protect themselves from threatening or conflicting information.

Defense mechanisms serve as adaptive strategies, allowing individuals to maintain psychological balance in the face of discomfort or potential harm. However, they also have implications for relationships, as defensive behaviors can hinder open communication and authentic connection.

As we explore the complexities of defensiveness, in couples therapy, it becomes crucial to approach these mechanisms with empathy and understanding… or not.

We all do it. We all defend. And we do so reflexibly, automatically, in accordance to our family of origin protocols.

Heavy reliance on tried and true defense mechanisms can hinder our personal development and impede genuine self-awareness. Recognizing when and how defensiveness promotes extended conflicts and meaningless suffering is a core task for any good human.

REFERENCES:

Freud, S. (1936). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defense.

Freud, S. (1899). The Interpretation of Dreams.

Jung, C. G. (1921). Psychological Types.

Jung, C. G. (1959). The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious.

Klein, M. (1975). Envy and Gratitude and Other Works, 1946–1963.

Klein, M. (1932). The Psychoanalysis of Children.

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying.