10 indications that you're speaking with a Covert Narcissist

Tuesday, June 18, 2024.

Here are 10 solid signs that you’re conversing with a Covert Narcissist:

1. Bragging by Dropping Subtle Hints

Ah, the humblebrag at its finest. If you're chatting with someone who can't resist slipping in references to their latest "casual" yacht trip or how they “just happened” to get a call from a celebrity, you might be dealing with a covert narcissist. They won’t outright say, “I’m amazing,” but you’ll definitely get the picture.

2. Gossiping and Bashing Other Folks

Ever notice someone who talks poorly about others to make themselves look better? That's a classic covert narcissist move. They use gossip as a tool to climb the social ladder, all while pretending to be oh-so-righteous.

3. Criticizing You Under the Mask of Being Direct and Honest

Beware of the friend who says, “I’m just being honest,” but leaves you feeling like a deflated balloon. Covert narcissists love to critique under the mask of honesty, making their jabs seem like pearls of wisdom. Spoiler alert: they're not.

4. Unsolicited Advice That Doesn't Suit Your Circumstances in the Slightest

Have you ever received advice that’s so off-base you wonder if the person even heard what you said? Covert narcissists specialize in this. They love to dispense advice, even when it’s clear they haven’t been paying attention to your actual problem.

5. Playing the Victim in Every Story but Never Taking Responsibility

In their stories, covert narcissists are always the underdog, the misunderstood genius, or the saintly martyr. It's never their fault, and they never own up to their mistakes. Instead, the world is perpetually out to get them.

6. Relentless Self-Focus in Conversation

Does your conversation partner constantly steer the topic back to themselves, regardless of the initial subject? If every anecdote you share somehow leads to a tale of their own greatness, you might be dealing with a covert narcissist.

7. Sloppy Listening and Phony Empathy

Covert narcissists have an uncanny ability to pretend to listen. They nod, they smile, they might even throw in a "that's terrible!" But if you dig a little deeper, you'll realize they couldn't care less about what you just said.

8. They Need to Win Every Disagreement They Easily Take Offence

Try to disagree with a covert narcissist and watch the fireworks. They can't handle dissent and will often react defensively, turning the tables and making you feel like you’re the one who did something wrong.

9. They Have Endless Expectations and Self-Serving Boundaries

Their expectations for you are sky-high, while their own boundaries are fortified like a castle. They’ll demand your time, energy, and support but offer very little in return. It’s a one-way street in the kingdom of the covert narcissist.

10. They Will Project Their Undesirable Traits onto Others

Covert narcissists love to play the projection game. They’ll accuse you or others of the very faults they exhibit. If they’re manipulative, suddenly you’re the one being accused of scheming. It’s a dizzying game of psychological hot potato. Covert Narcissists invariably warn me of their partner’s narcissism.

5 Ways You'll Likely Feel After Leaving a Conversation with a Covert Narcissist

1. Anxious and Vaguely Uneasy

Ever leave a chat feeling like you’ve been subtly attacked by a swarm of bees? That’s the covert narcissist effect. They leave you feeling anxious and uneasy, as if something was off, but you can't quite put your finger on it.

2. Diminished and Inferior

Covert narcissists have a knack for making you feel small. After talking to them, you might find your self-esteem has taken a hit, and you’re left feeling like you’ll never measure up.

3. Confused and Disoriented

Their conversations are like a roller coaster without safety bars. One moment they’re praising you, the next they’re subtly tearing you down. The result? Confusion, and lots of it.

4. Frustrated and Annoyed

Trying to communicate with a covert narcissist is like playing chess with a pigeon. They’ll knock over all the pieces, strut around like they won, and leave you pulling your hair out in frustration.

5. Feeling Oddly Drained and Spent

These conversations are emotionally exhausting. Covert narcissists sap your energy, leaving you feeling like you’ve just run a marathon – uphill, in the snow, with no shoes.

Final thoughts

Dealing with a covert narcissist can be draining and challenging, but recognizing the signs can help you navigate these interactions with a bit more ease and humor.

Remember, you’re not alone in this, and setting healthy boundaries is key to maintaining your own well-being. And if all else fails, have a good laugh at the absurdity of it all – after all, humor is a great way to reclaim your power!

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.