8 Things narcissists do when they are alone

Tuesday, June 18, 2024.

Narcissism often manifests in grandiose behavior, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. But what happens when the spotlight fades, and the narcissist is left alone?

As a couples therapist, I've seen how these moments of solitude can be particularly challenging for folks with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Let's explore 8 behaviors narcissists typically engage in when they're by themselves, shedding light on their need for narcissistic supply and the struggles they face in isolation.

1. Self-Admiration

When narcissists are alone, they often engage in self-admiration. This might involve looking at themselves in the mirror, taking selfies, or reminiscing about their past achievements. This behavior reinforces their grandiose self-image and provides a temporary boost to their self-esteem, which is often fragile beneath the surface.

2. Social Media Validation

Social media becomes a crucial tool for narcissists seeking validation. They meticulously curate their online personas, posting carefully chosen photos and status updates to elicit admiration from their followers. The constant need for likes, comments, and shares serves as a source of narcissistic supply, helping them feel valued and important even when alone.

3. Planning and Scheming

Narcissists frequently spend their alone time planning and scheming their next moves. This could involve strategizing ways to gain more attention, power, or control over others. They might plan how to manipulate situations or people to their advantage, always thinking several steps ahead to maintain their superior position.

4. Ruminating

Solitude often leads narcissists to ruminate over perceived slights and injustices. They may obsess over past interactions where they felt disrespected or undervalued, replaying these moments in their minds and fantasizing about how they could have asserted their dominance more effectively. This ruminative cycle can fuel their sense of entitlement and anger.

5. Triangulating

Even when alone, narcissists engage in mental triangulation, plotting how to use relationships to their advantage. They think about how they can pit people against each other, using manipulation to create alliances and rivalries that keep them at the center of attention. This mental strategizing often manifests in their interactions, causing friction and conflict among their social circles.

6. Reckless Behavior

To escape feelings of emptiness and boredom, narcissists may indulge in reckless behavior when alone. This could include excessive spending, substance abuse, or risky sexual encounters. Such behaviors provide temporary thrills and distractions, helping them avoid confronting their underlying insecurities and fears.

7. Hoovering

Hoovering is a tactic narcissists use to draw people back into their orbit. When alone, they may reach out to ex-partners, friends, or family members with manipulative messages designed to reignite contact. They might feign vulnerability or remorse, promising change, all to regain control and replenish their narcissistic supply.

8. Maintaining Delusional Fantasies

Narcissists often retreat into delusional fantasies when alone, imagining themselves as more successful, powerful, or adored than they truly are. These fantasies help them avoid facing the reality of their situations and maintain their grandiose self-image. By living in these imagined realities, they can temporarily escape feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.

The Struggle for Narcissistic Supply

The concept of narcissistic supply is central to understanding these behaviors.

Narcissists rely heavily on external validation to maintain their self-esteem.

When alone, the lack of immediate feedback and admiration can leave them feeling anxious, empty, and restless.

This constant need for validation drives many of their solitary behaviors as they seek to fill the void with self-admiration, social media interactions, and manipulative schemes.

The Difficulty of Being Alone

For narcissists, being alone is particularly challenging. It strips away the external sources of validation they depend on, forcing them to confront their inner vulnerabilities. The absence of an audience to admire and validate them can lead to feelings of worthlessness and despair. As a couples therapist, I've seen how this struggle often exacerbates their need for control and admiration in relationships, creating a cycle of dependency on others for their self-worth.

Understanding these behaviors can help partners and loved ones recognize the patterns and challenges narcissists face.

While it's important to maintain boundaries and protect oneself from manipulation, empathy for the underlying struggles can also inform more compassionate responses and therapeutic approaches.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.