Why the narcissist stops having sex with you
Friday, August 2, 2024.
The cessation of sexual activity in a relationship with a narcissist is really not all that complicated.
Narcissists often exhibit behaviors that can be confusing and hurtful, particularly in intimate relationships.
Understanding why a narcissist might stop having sex with their partner requires only a brief reminder of their psychological makeup, relationship dynamics, and the impact on the non-narcissistic partner. Narcissists are usually quite predictable.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Intimacy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy for others (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
These traits can severely impact the ability to form and maintain intimate relationships. According to Campbell and Foster (2007), narcissists tend to view relationships as means to an end rather than mutual partnerships, often leading to a struggle to achieve genuine intimacy.
Reasons Narcissists Stop Having Sex
Control and Power Dynamics
Narcissists often use sex as a tool to exert control and power over their partners.
When they withhold sex, it can be a deliberate tactic to manipulate and dominate (Malkin, 2015). This behavior is a form of emotional abuse that serves to destabilize the partner and reinforce the narcissist's control paradigm. They want you to want them.
Devaluation Phase
In the cycle of narcissistic relationships, there is often an initial idealization phase followed by devaluation.
During the devaluation phase, the narcissist loses interest in their partner, viewing them as unworthy or flawed. This shift can lead to a cessation of sexual activity as the narcissist no longer finds the partner desirable (Hare, 1993).
Attention and Validation from Others
Narcissists have an insatiable need for validation and may seek it from multiple sources. If a narcissist is receiving attention and admiration from others, they may lose interest in their current partner, leading to a reduction or complete stop in sexual activity (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).
Fear of Vulnerability
Despite their grandiose facade, narcissists are deeply insecure and fear genuine emotional intimacy. Sex requires a level of vulnerability that narcissists find threatening. By avoiding sex, they protect themselves from the discomfort of being emotionally exposed (Pincus & Lukowitsky, 2010).
Punishment and Retribution
Narcissists often punish their partners for perceived slights or failures. Withholding sex can be a form of retribution, aimed at making the partner suffer and feel inadequate (Brown, 2006). This tactic is part of a broader pattern of emotional manipulation and control.
Impact on the Non-Narcissistic Partner
The sudden stop in sexual activity can be bewildering and distressing for the non-narcissistic partner. It often leads to feelings of rejection, confusion, and self-doubt.
Partners may blame themselves, believing they have done something wrong or are no longer attractive. This emotional turmoil can severely impact self-esteem and overall mental health.
Addressing the Issue with a Narcissistic Partner
Dealing with a narcissist's refusal to engage in sexual activity requires a strategic approach:
Set Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries is crucial in any relationship with a narcissist. Communicate your needs and limits firmly and consistently. This can help mitigate some of the control and manipulation tactics used by the narcissist (Malkin, 2015).
Seek Support
Engaging in therapy, either individually or as a couple, can provide valuable insights and coping strategies. A therapist with experience in dealing with narcissistic behavior might help navigate the complex dynamics of the relationship (Campbell & Foster, 2007). But start with Hopeful Spouse Counseling.
Self-Care
Prioritizing self-care is essential. Engage in activities that boost self-esteem and provide emotional fulfillment outside the relationship. This can help mitigate the negative impact of the narcissist's behavior (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).
Evaluate the Relationship
Assess whether the relationship is meeting your emotional and physical needs. If the narcissist's behavior continues to cause significant distress, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship for your well-being (Brown, 2006).
Final thoughts
Understanding why a narcissist stops having sex with their partner involves recognizing the complex interplay of control, devaluation, and fear of vulnerability that characterizes narcissistic behavior.
By frankly calling foul, you begin to set boundaries. Prioritize your self-care. When a narcissist stops having sex with you, it’s a message.
Good Hopeful Spouse Counseling might help you navigate this challenging dynamic and make more informed decisions about your relationship options. Most narcissists flail about dishonestly in couples therapy when they enter it too soon.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.).
Brown, N. W. (2006). Coping with infuriating, mean, critical people: The destructive narcissistic pattern. Praeger Publishers.
Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. In C. Sedikides & S. J. Spencer (Eds.), The self: Frontiers of social psychology (pp. 115-138). Psychology Press.
Hare, R. D. (1993). Without conscience: The disturbing world of the psychopaths among us. Simon and Schuster.
Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking narcissism: The bad—and surprising good—about feeling special. HarperCollins.
Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 421-446.
Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The narcissism epidemic: Living in the age of entitlement. Free Press.
