Why Do Anxious and Avoidant People Attract Each Other?

Tuesday, February 18, 2025.

Human relationships are messy, complicated, and occasionally ridiculous.

One of the most paradoxical dynamics in modern attachment research is the magnetic pull between anxiously attached and avoidantly attached partners.

The anxious craves intimacy; the avoidant craves distance.

Yet, like moths to an emotional flame, they find each other, dance their dysfunctional waltz, and often end up confirming each other's worst fears about love.

This isn’t just another case of "Attachment Astrology," where we stick labels on people and doom them to cosmic incompatibility.

Modern attachment research is moving beyond the simplistic categories of Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure.

Instead, we’re starting to see how attachment exists on a spectrum, shaped by neurobiology, life experience, and even cultural influences.

The Classic Theory: Attachment Styles in Conflict

Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby (1969) and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth (1978), posits that early childhood experiences shape our relational patterns in adulthood.

The anxious partner fears abandonment and over-functions in relationships, while the avoidant partner fears engulfment and under-functions.

This push-pull dynamic creates what Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (2010) famously termed an "anxious-avoidant trap"—an almost inevitable cycle of emotional frustration.

Neurologically, these patterns are reinforced by the brain’s threat response system.

The anxiously attached partner experiences heightened activation of the amygdala (Mikulincer et al., 2002), leading to hypervigilance for signs of rejection.

Meanwhile, avoidant partners show increased suppression of emotional cues in the prefrontal cortex, effectively numbing themselves to intimacy (Gillath et al., 2005).

This means that while one partner is yelling, “Please don’t leave me!”, the other is muttering, “I need some space.”

Beyond the Basics: Newer Models of Attachment

Recent research suggests that attachment isn’t a rigid box but a fluid, context-dependent phenomenon.

Dr. Sue Johnson (2019) emphasizes that attachment security is about the ability to create "safe haven" relationships through emotional attunement. Even those with anxious or avoidant tendencies can develop more secure bonds through mindful communication and emotional regulation.

Moreover, studies suggest that attachment styles can shift depending on relational dynamics (Fraley & Roisman, 2019).

An anxiously attached partner paired with a consistently secure partner may develop more secure attachment over time.

Conversely, a previously secure partner placed in a tumultuous relationship may exhibit more anxious or avoidant tendencies. In other words, attachment isn’t destiny—it’s plastic.

The Evolutionary Perspective: Is This Dysfunctional or Adaptive?

From an evolutionary standpoint, the anxious-avoidant pairing might not be a bug, but a feature.

Dr. Jeff Simpson (1990) argues that attachment strategies evolved to help humans adapt to different environmental stressors.

The anxious partner, ever attuned to relational threats, would have been useful in environments where social bonds were fragile.

Meanwhile, the avoidant partner’s ability to self-regulate might have been advantageous in situations requiring independence and self-sufficiency.

The problem arises when these two attachment strategies collide in a modern context that demands emotional closeness but also celebrates fierce independence. We are wired for connection but socialized for self-reliance, leaving anxious-avoidant pairs in a perpetual bind.

Contrary Research: Do Opposites Really Attract?

Not all researchers agree that anxious and avoidant partners are drawn together.

Some studies, like those by Hudson & Fraley (2017), suggest that people tend to seek partners with similar attachment styles, leading to more secure pairings over time.

Secure folks are more likely to attract and maintain healthy relationships, while anxious and avoidant partners may struggle to sustain long-term intimacy unless they actively work on their attachment tendencies.

Furthermore, research on relationship satisfaction suggests that while anxious-avoidant pairs may experience intense chemistry, they report lower overall relationship quality compared to secure pairings (Pietromonaco & Beck, 2019).

The initial attraction may be strong, but unless both partners actively cultivate emotional security, the relationship can become a cycle of frustration and unmet needs.

What This Means for Relationships

The real takeaway here isn’t that anxious and avoidant people are doomed or that they should immediately break up and download a meditation app. Instead, it’s that attachment is malleable. If you find yourself in an anxious-avoidant dynamic, awareness is the first step. Here’s what can help:

• For the Anxious Partner: Learn to self-soothe and cultivate independence so that emotional validation doesn’t become a desperate need.

• For the Avoidant Partner: Practice emotional openness and recognize that intimacy isn’t a trap—it’s a resource.

• For Both Partners: Develop relational security through consistent, honest communication and mutual reassurance.

As we refine our understanding of attachment theory, we move away from fatalistic "styles" and toward a model of relational adaptability.

Research and new intimacy models suggest that love isn’t about finding a perfectly compatible attachment type—it’s about learning to co-regulate, to heal together, and to create a secure base for each other.

Maybe that’s the future of relationships.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Fraley, R. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2019). The development of adult attachment: Four lessons. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 26-30.

Gillath, O., Bunge, S. A., Shaver, P. R., Wendelken, C., & Mikulincer, M. (2005). Attachment-style differences in the ability to suppress negative thoughts. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 89(5), 672-685.

Hudson, N. W., & Fraley, R. C. (2017). Volitional personality trait change: Can people choose to change their personality traits? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 453-472.

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Publications.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. Penguin.

Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., Gillath, O., & Nitzberg, R. A. (2002). Attachment, caregiving, and altruism: Boosting attachment security increases compassion and helping. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 89(5), 817-839.

Pietromonaco, P. R., & Beck, L. A. (2019). Adult attachment and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 152-156.

Simpson, J. A. (1990). Influence of attachment styles on romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(5), 971-980.