When Narcissists Grieve: How to understand their complex emotions

Monday, July 22, 2024

Grieving the loss of a loved one is a deeply personal and often excruciating experience. But what happens when a narcissist is faced with such a profound life event?

The grieving process for folks with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can be markedly different from that of others, shaped by their unique psychological makeup.

Understanding how narcissists grieve can shed light on their behavior and offer pathways for compassion and support.

The Narcissist's Grief: A Different Landscape

Narcissists typically exhibit a heightened need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. These traits can significantly influence how they process grief.

Dr. Elsa Ronningstam is with McLean Hospital and is an associate clinical professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, "Narcissists might struggle with grief more intensely due to their fragile self-esteem. The loss can threaten their sense of identity and security, making the grieving process particularly tumultuous" (Ronningstam, 2005).

Emotional Detachment and Grief

One of the hallmarks of NPD is emotional detachment. Narcissists often struggle to connect deeply with others, which can lead to an unconventional grieving process. They might appear unaffected by the loss or might not show their grief in expected ways. This can be perplexing and even hurtful to those around them.

According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and narcissism expert, "Narcissists might engage in distraction or avoidance behaviors to escape the discomfort of grief. They might also focus on how the loss impacts them personally rather than the loss itself" (Durvasula, 2018).

Seeking Narcissistic Supply

The concept of narcissistic supply—attention, admiration, and affirmation—is crucial to understanding how narcissists cope with grief. When faced with a loss, a narcissist may intensify their efforts to seek out this supply to soothe their wounded ego. This might manifest as an increased need for validation and support from others, or even exploiting the situation to gain sympathy and attention.

Dr. Elinor Greenberg, a psychologist specializing in NPD, notes, "A narcissist in grief might monopolize the mourning process, turning the focus on their suffering to ensure they remain the center of attention" (Greenberg, 2016).

Complicated Grief and Narcissism

Complicated grief, a condition where the mourning process is prolonged and interferes with daily life, can be particularly prevalent among narcissists. Their difficulty in processing emotions and lack of empathetic connections can trap them in a cycle of unresolved grief. Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist, explains,

"Narcissists may find it challenging to move past their grief because their coping mechanisms are often maladaptive. Their inability to empathize and connect with others can leave them isolated in their sorrow" (Heitler, 2017).

Strategies for Supporting a Narcissist in Grief

Supporting a narcissist through the grieving process requires patience and understanding. Here are some strategies that can be helpful:

• Set Boundaries: Maintain clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being while offering support.

• Offer Empathy Without Enabling: Show empathy for their loss without enabling self-centered or manipulative behaviors.

• Encourage Professional Help: Suggest therapy with a professional who understands NPD to help them navigate their grief.

• Stay Grounded: Keep your expectations realistic and stay grounded in your own needs and boundaries.

Final thoughts

Grieving is a deeply personal experience, and for narcissists, it can be particularly complex. Understanding the unique ways in which they process grief can foster empathy and provide insights into how to support them effectively.

As we navigate the often challenging landscape of grief, offering compassion to those who struggle with narcissistic traits can be a powerful act of kindness.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Durvasula, R. (2018). Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. Post Hill Press.

Greenberg, E. (2016). Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety. Self-published.

Heitler, S. (2017). The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong & Loving Marriage. New Harbinger Publications.

Ronningstam, E. (2005). Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality. Oxford University Press.