The persistence of narcissism through time: Can couples therapy help?

Monday, July 22, 2024.

If you’re hoping that the narcissist in your life will change, a new study suggests you may have to wait a very long time. And even then, the change might be minimal.

A study published in the journal Psychological Bulletin analyzed 51 studies with more than 37,000 participants from North America, Europe, and New Zealand. The research explored how narcissism changes over a person’s lifespan.

While the researchers found that narcissism gradually declined with age, “the results show that this decline is not as large as one might hope,” said Ulrich Orth, the lead author and a professor of developmental psychology at the University of Bern in Switzerland.

The Long Journey of Change

The perceptable decline in personal narcissism occurred over decades.

“When you look back at how a close friend behaved 20 or 30 years earlier, you might notice the change,” Dr. Orth said. “Still, the average decline was at most of moderate size, so you wouldn’t expect that people’s level of narcissism changes fundamentally.”

The study also found that folks with higher levels of narcissism in childhood typically retained higher levels into adulthood. The research featured subjects who were mostly white and from Western cultures, with a limited number of older adults, making it difficult to generalize the results.

Even so, the study illustrates that narcissism doesn’t just disappear on its own, said Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism.

“When left to their own devices, people who are extremely narcissistic in this unhealthy way are not going to change,” said Dr. Malkin, a lecturer at Harvard Medical School.

Understanding Narcissism

Narcissism is a drive to feel special and unique. To some extent, narcissistic traits exist in all of us, and a little narcissism isn’t a bad thing. Viewing ourselves through rose-colored glasses, known as self-enhancement, can help us cope with adversity.

Narcissism becomes problematic when people depend on the feeling of superiority and seek it at all costs, displaying what Dr. Malkin calls the “triple E”: entitlement, exploitation, and a lack of empathy.

A clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) occurs when these symptoms are fixed and persistent, causing distress or interfering with relationships, work, or other life domains.

Christine Louis de Canonville, a retired psychotherapist from Dublin, noted that higher levels of narcissism often lead to individuals becoming “desperate, deluded, paranoid, angry, abusive, and isolated.”

The Dimensions of Narcissism

Mental health experts have developed a more nuanced understanding of narcissism, breaking it down into three main dimensions: agentic, antagonistic, and neurotic.

Agentic Narcissism: Focused on status, power, and success. “They see themselves as superior to others, crave admiration, and have an inflated sense of self-importance,” Dr. Orth explained.

Neurotic Narcissism: Characterized by hypersensitivity. “They constantly need validation and are very sensitive to criticism and rejection,” Dr. Orth said.

Antagonistic Narcissism: Viewing others as rivals. They tend to be competitive, hostile, and willing to put others down to feel superior.

Can Couples Therapy Be Effective?

When one partner is a narcissist, can couples therapy be effective? What are the appropriate interventions?

Dr. Elinor Greenberg, author of Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Safety, suggests that managing a difficult relationship is often the best outcome.

One strategy is "catching good," where you praise the narcissist for cooperative or caring behavior. This method taps into their need for recognition.

Another approach, known as gray rocking, involves limiting engagement and keeping interactions neutral. This can help you avoid being drawn into drama or manipulation.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People, advises that if someone is abusive, it may be best to leave the relationship and seek help if needed.

Narcissism can be like a fire, Dr. Malkin said: “The longer it burns, the more it destroys. If you want to avoid damage, there has to be some intervention.”

Thought Leaders on Narcissism

Sara Konrath, director of the Interdisciplinary Program for Empathy and Altruism Research at Indiana University, has found that empathy increases with age.

As people mature and take on roles such as partners, parents, and employees, they may become more responsible and value close relationships more.

While the path to change for a narcissist is long and slow, there are occasionally therapeutic strategies that can help manage relationships and potentially foster some degree of improvement.

But the juice isn’t often worth the squeeze.

The field of couples therapy is sorely pressed to intervene as Cultural Narcissism has reached frankly apocalyptic levels.

Most therapists will be quite skeptical in working we a self-proclaimed narcissistic client. Unfortunately, we detect many of them on the fly.

It’s also true that defensiveness and self-protection against shame can shape you into a narcissist.

However, it’s crucial to recognize the limits of change and prioritize one’s own well-being when dealing with a narcissistic partner or client.

Understanding the dimensions of narcissism more deeply and staying current with research is vital; it’s the only way employing innovative and new interventions might become a valuable tool in navigating these challenging relationships.

Be Well, Stay KInd, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Greenberg, E. (2016). Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Safety. Createspace Independent Publishing Platform.

Konrath, S. (n.d.). Director of the Interdisciplinary Program for Empathy and Altruism Research. Indiana University.

Louis de Canonville, C. (n.d.). Author and Psychotherapist.

Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists. HarperWave.

Orth, U. (2024). Psychological Bulletin. University of Bern.

Durvasula, R. (2015). It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People. Post Hill Press.