What Is Earned Secure Attachment?

Monday, February 10, 2025.

For many, the phrase Secure Attachment conjures up images of babies cradled in their parents' arms, forming bonds built on trust and responsiveness.

But what if you didn’t grow up with that security? Is it possible to develop a secure attachment style later in life, even after experiencing childhood trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving?

The answer, according to decades of attachment research, is yes—and that’s where the concept of Earned Secure Attachment comes in.

Unlike naturally occurring secure attachment, earned security is something developed over time, often through intentional relationships and deep self-reflection.

This post will explore the history, thought leaders, and research behind earned secure attachment while drawing connections to related concepts such as attachment-based therapy, polyvagal theory, neuroplasticity, post-traumatic growth, and relational resilience.

The Origins of Attachment Theory

The roots of Attachment Theory trace back to the pioneering work of John Bowlby (1969, 1982), a British psychiatrist who studied the ways early relationships shape emotional development.

Bowlby theorized that infants develop internal working models of relationships based on how their caregivers respond to their needs. His work led to the identification of four main attachment styles, later refined by Mary Ainsworth’s (1978) famous Strange Situation experiment:

• Secure Attachment – The child trusts that their caregiver will return and provide comfort.

• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment – The child becomes highly distressed and uncertain about the caregiver’s availability.

• Avoidant Attachment – The child learns to suppress emotions and avoid seeking comfort.

• Disorganized Attachment – The child displays contradictory behaviors due to fear and unpredictability in caregiving.

Bowlby and Ainsworth’s research laid the foundation for our understanding of attachment in both childhood and adulthood (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). But it also raised a critical question: Can someone with an insecure attachment style develop secure attachment later in life?

The Birth of Earned Secure Attachment

In the 1990s, Mary Main and Ruth Goldwyn (1998) introduced the concept of Earned Secure Attachment based on findings from the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI).

Their research revealed that some souls who had experienced early adversity could still develop a coherent and reflective narrative about their childhood—demonstrating the markers of secure attachment. These folks had, in essence, “earned” security through reflection, therapy, or healthy adult relationships.

This discovery was groundbreaking.

It meant that early childhood trauma or neglect did not necessarily doom someone to a life of insecure relationships. Instead, through intentional relational work, self-awareness, and emotional processing, people could build Secure Attachment later in life.

In other words, Earned Secure Attachment is the essential end goal for all couples therapy.

How Does Earned Secure Attachment Develop?

There is no single pathway to earned security, but researchers have identified several key factors that contribute to its development:

Narrative Coherence and Meaning-Making

Attachment researchers have found that one of the hallmarks of earned security is the ability to tell a coherent life story without minimizing or exaggerating past experiences (Siegel, 1999). This process of integrating past trauma into a meaningful personal narrative is often facilitated by therapy, self-reflection, and journaling.

Corrective Emotional Experiences in Adulthood

Psychologists such as Sue Johnson (2008) and Stan Tatkin (2011) emphasize that deep, secure relationships can reshape attachment patterns. Whether through a romantic partner, family member, or a close friend, experiencing consistent and reliable attachment allows us to internalize security.

Neuroscience and Neuroplasticity

Neuroscientific research (Schore, 2003) has shown that the brain remains plastic throughout life, meaning early attachment wounds are not set in stone. Practices like mindfulness, self-compassion, and relational attunement help rewire neural pathways to support secure attachment patterns.

Therapeutic Interventions

Several therapeutic approaches focus specifically on developing earned Secure Attachment, including:

• Attachment-Based Therapy (Levy et al., 2018) – Helps folks explore their attachment history and create new relational patterns.

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (Johnson, 2008) – Focuses on deepening emotional bonds in couples and families.

• Somatic Experiencing (Levine, 2010) – Addresses trauma stored in the body, helping individuals regulate emotions and develop safety in relationships.

• Internal Family Systems Therapy (Schwartz, 1995) – Helps clients identify and heal fragmented parts of the self that formed in response to childhood trauma.

Earned Secure Attachment and Romantic Relationships

One of the most important applications of earned security is in adult romantic relationships. Couples therapists frequently see clients who struggle with Anxious-Avoidant Cycles, emotional unavailability, or hypervigilance in love.

Research has shown that earned security souls tend to form healthier, more resilient relationships (Roisman et al., 2002). They exhibit:

• Greater emotional regulation in conflicts

• A higher ability to repair ruptures in relationships

• A willingness to be vulnerable and seek comfort from a partner

• Less fear of abandonment or engulfment

This suggests that even if you did not experience secure attachment as a child, you can still cultivate a healthy, loving partnership as an adult.

Related Concepts That Deserve Future Exploration

Earned Secure Attachment is a vast topic that connects to many other important psychological and relational concepts.

My future posts will explore:

• Attachment Wounds and Complex PTSD (van der Kolk, 2014).

• The role of Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011) in Relational Safety.

• How Intergenerational Trauma Impacts Attachment (Yehuda et al., 2016).

• Attachment and Neurodiversity—how ASD and ADHD affect bonding (Neufeld & Maté, 2005).

• The Intersection of Attachment Theory and Spirituality (Kirkpatrick & Shaver, 1992).

Final Thoughts: Hope for Healing

The idea of Earned Secure Attachment is deeply hopeful.

It reminds us that no matter what our early experiences were, we are not condemned to repeat unhealthy patterns indefinitely.

Good couples therapy can provide awareness and support. With the science to heal our intimate relationships, we can rewrite our attachment scripts and experience love in a way that feels safe, nurturing, and enduring.

Whether you are seeking to heal from past wounds, deepen intimacy with your partner, or foster security in your children, the journey toward Earned Secure Attachment is one of self-discovery and profound transformation. It is the apparent end goal of all couple therapies.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Erlbaum.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.

Levy, K. N., Ellison, W. D., Scott, L. N., & Bernecker, S. L. (2018). Attachment style. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 74(11), 1966-1982.

Main, M., & Goldwyn, R. (1998). Adult attachment scoring and classification system. University of California, Berkeley.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.

Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect regulation and the repair of the self. W.W. Norton & Company.

Siegel, D. J. (1999). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Press.

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.

Yehuda, R., Halligan, S. L., & Bierer, L. M. (2016). Relationship of parental trauma exposure and PTSD to offspring PTSD. American Journal of Psychiatry, 158(7), 1026-1032.