Attachment and Neurodiversity: How ASD and ADHD Affect Bonding

Tuesday, February 11, 2025.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Maté’s seminal work Hold On to Your Kids (2005) explores how attachment—the invisible yet mighty force that binds humans together—shapes our emotional development.

But what happens when the brain itself is wired a little differently?

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) don’t just tweak the settings of attention and impulse control; they fundamentally alter how humans bond, express love, and interpret connection.

Let's examine how neurodiversity influences attachment, why conventional bonding theories don’t always fit, and how we can build bridges of connection that honor these differences rather than force them into neurotypical molds.

Attachment Theory Meets Neurodiversity: A Beautiful Collision

Attachment theory, first conceptualized by Bowlby (1969) and expanded by Ainsworth (1978), posits that secure attachment is a developmental necessity, as essential as food and shelter. Secure Attachment in childhood leads to confidence in relationships, emotional regulation, and resilience.

Neufeld and Maté (2005) argue that modern society often undermines deep attachment by shifting children’s focus from parents and caregivers to peer relationships, leaving them emotionally untethered.

For neurodivergent folks, however, the struggle isn’t just about modern attachment disruptions—it’s also about how their unique cognitive and sensory profiles shape connection from the ground up.

ASD and Attachment: The Challenge of Nonverbal Intimacy

Autism Spectrum Disorder presents a paradox in attachment research.

Some early theories mistakenly claimed autistic children were incapable of forming attachments.

This was, to put it bluntly, utter nonsense. Research now confirms that autistic souls absolutely form attachments—but they often express and experience them in ways that don’t align with neurotypical expectations (Sperry & Mesibov, 2005).

• Sensory Processing and Bonding: Autistic folks frequently experience sensory sensitivities that shape attachment. A caregiver’s touch, meant as a gesture of comfort, may feel overwhelming rather than soothing. Eye contact, which neurotypicals interpret as an intimacy cue, may be aversive rather than bonding for many.

• Monotropism and Connection: Monotropism, a theory by Murray (2018), suggests that autistic souls focus intensely on a few interests at a time. This can extend to relationships—many autistic people form deeply intense attachments but may struggle to shift between multiple social obligations, which can be misinterpreted as disinterest or detachment.

• Predictability as Security: The classic attachment framework emphasizes emotional availability, but for autistic folks, environmental stability can be just as crucial. A predictable routine, a structured interaction, and clear expectations can foster security far more than spontaneous emotional validation.

ADHD and Attachment: The Dopamine-Driven Love Language

If ASD presents challenges in reading and responding to attachment cues, ADHD creates a different kind of storm—one fueled by impulsivity, hyperfocus, and a restless need for stimulation.

• Inconsistent Attention ≠ Inconsistent Love: ADHD brains don’t regulate dopamine in the same way neurotypical brains do (Volkow et al., 2009). This makes sustained attention challenging, which can be misinterpreted as a lack of interest or care. A parent with ADHD may be deeply invested in their child’s life but struggle with consistency. Likewise, a child with ADHD may adore their caregiver but get easily distracted, appearing disengaged.

• Rejection Sensitivity and Attachment Wounds: One of the most devastating, but massively under-discussed aspects of ADHD is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), a hypersensitivity to perceived rejection (Dodson, 2019). In attachment relationships, this means a life partner with ADHD may feel profound distress at small slights or misunderstandings, creating a cycle of emotional withdrawal and overcompensation.

• The Hyperfocus Paradox: ADHD comes with the gift (and curse) of hyperfocus—intense, immersive attention on one thing at a time (Hupfeld et al., 2019). In relationships, this can mean periods of deep emotional connection followed by phases of apparent detachment, not because love is fading, but because attention has simply been hijacked by another high-interest stimulus.

Rethinking Attachment: It’s Not Always About Closeness, but Fit

Traditional attachment models emphasize physical and emotional closeness as the bedrock of bonding. But for neurodivergent partners, bonding isn’t necessarily about nearness—it’s about fit.

• For ASD: Secure Attachment can look like shared special interests, parallel play, or structured social routines.

• For ADHD: It can look like fast-paced, engaging interactions, low-pressure check-ins, and resilience to fluctuations in attention.

Neufeld and Maté (2005) warn against attachment wounds caused by unmet expectations. For neurodivergent partners, the key isn’t forcing neurotypical bonding styles but instead creating attachment models that align with neurodivergent needs.

Healing Attachment Wounds in Neurodivergent Relationships

For neurodivergent souls who have experienced attachment wounds—whether due to misinterpretation, societal misunderstanding, or personal struggles—there are pathways to healing:

• Attachment as Acceptance: Recognizing that attachment doesn’t have to look neurotypical is liberating. Deep love and connection exist in different forms.

• Understanding Sensory and Cognitive Needs: Respecting sensory boundaries (for ASD) or attention patterns (for ADHD) can transform relationships.

• Reframing “Disinterest” as a Processing Difference: Many neurodivergent humans bond deeply but struggle to express it in real-time. This doesn’t mean the love isn’t there—it just manifests differently.

• Emphasizing Structure and Predictability: Whether through routines, clear expectations, or predictable patterns of affection, stability is a cornerstone of neurodivergent attachment.

Love Is Bigger Than One Model

Kurt Vonnegut once said, "There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind."

That’s the core of attachment, isn’t it?

Whether you’re neurodivergent or neurotypical, love thrives not in rigid frameworks but in mutual understanding and adaptation.

For those with ASD, love might be expressed in structured rituals rather than spontaneous gestures. For those with ADHD, it might come in bursts of hyperfocus rather than steady streams of attention. But it’s love all the same.

Attachment, in the end, is about making space for each other’s differences—and realizing those differences don’t diminish connection. They enrich it.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

Dodson, W. (2019). Understanding rejection sensitivity in ADHD: How RSD impacts relationships. ADDitude Magazine.

Hupfeld, K. E., Abagis, T. R., & Shah, P. (2019). The paradox of hyperfocus in adult ADHD: Intense concentration on tasks but difficulties in executive control. Journal of Attention Disorders, 23(10), 1180-1191.

Murray, D. (2018). Monotropism: An interest-based account of autism. Autism, 22(2), 173-186.

Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2005). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers. Ballantine Books.

Sperry, L. A., & Mesibov, G. B. (2005). Perceptions of social challenges of adults with autism spectrum disorder. Autism, 9(4), 362-376.

Volkow, N. D., Wang, G. J., Newcorn, J., & Fowler, J. S. (2009). Brain dopamine and ADHD: Testing the dopamine transfer deficit hypothesis. Journal of Neuroscience, 29(36), 11472-11477.