What is a mid-life crisis affair?

Wednesday, June 5, 2024. One of my favorite topics from the old Couples Therapy Inc. blog Revised and updated.

The notion of a “mid-life crisis affair” is akin to “empty-nester syndrome” – a stubborn pop-psychology staple that lacks specificity (D. A. Chiriboga, 1997; R. McCrae & P. Costa, 1990). Despite this, the media continues to feast on the narrative of the “mid-life crisis.”

While researchers often remain skeptical about the mid-life crisis affair, a review of midlife crisis research (O. G. Brim, 1992) concluded that midlife isn't universally stressful.

In fact, only a small percentage (8%) of Americans face mental health challenges directly due to aging fears. This raises the question: why do we persist in using the mid-life crisis as a catch-all explanation?

A Cultural Self-Diagnosis?

The concept of a “mid-life crisis affair” offers a compelling framework for explaining infidelity. Researcher and Cornell sociologist Elaine Wethington notes that over 25% of Americans over age 35 believe they've experienced a midlife crisis, but in reality, more than half were merely adjusting to serious losses or other life stressors.

The “mid-life crisis” serves as a cultural emotional spitoon for persistent stress. Dr. Wethington debunks the gender myth, showing that women are just as likely as men to report experiencing a midlife crisis. For Americans aged 40-53, about 33% thought they experienced a midlife crisis, with an average “crisis” age of 46. Around 20% attributed their crisis to aging awareness and life dissatisfaction.

Yet, researchers remain hesitant to acknowledge an observable mid-life crisis phenomenon, prompting us to question: what exactly is happening during this period of life?

The Evolution of a Mid-Life Crisis Affair

Elliot Jaques coined the term “mid-life crisis” in 1965, suggesting it was a response to mortality realization. Erikson (1963) viewed midlife as a struggle between generativity and stagnation, while Levinson and colleagues (1978) saw the midlife transition as a series of changes over time. Levinson's research indicates that midlife transition often starts around age 40, driven by feelings that personal growth has been hindered by external conditions.

Stages of a Mid-Life Crisis Affair

A working definition might be helpful:

A midlife crisis is a dramatic self-doubt typically experienced in the “middle years” of life, as people sense their fading youth and the near-term onset of old age. Transitional experiences like menopause, the death of parents, financial or career setbacks, or an empty nest can trigger this feeling, leading to significant life changes in marriage, career, or romantic entanglements.

Our cultural meme of an MLC often involves radical life changes…and nothing changes your life more dramatically than altering your intimate partner. The quiet desperation of some lives may lead to unusual behaviors, such as mid-life crisis affairs.

Men and the Mid-Life Crisis Affair

The “Guy Code” socializes men to believe that unless they're moving forward, they're falling behind. If your life dissatisfaction plays out in your marriage, a good couples therapist can help you examine the causes and take decisive action. This examination might be painful but is essential for growth.

On the other hand, sudden, impulsive decisions like abandoning your spouse for a younger partner or financially reckless behavior are unlikely to end well.

Practical Tips for a Mid-Life Crisis Affair

If you're struggling with what feels like a midlife crisis, here are some practical tips:

• Recognize Your Feelings: Understand that feelings aren't facts. Before acting on your dissatisfaction, scrutinize it thoroughly.

• Be Grateful: Focus on what's working in your life, like your kids or career.

• Visualize Consequences: Imagine how a mid-life crisis affair could disrupt your life. Would you risk the parts that are working for those that need improvement?

• Talk It Out: Discuss your feelings with a good couples therapist before making life-changing decisions.

• Be Realistic: Differentiate between practical desires and impractical wishes.

• Consider Others: Think about what or who needs to be nurtured and protected.

Divorce and the Mid-Life Crisis Affair

Contrary to popular belief, divorce isn't primarily caused by midlife crisis affairs.

Over 80% of divorces occur before age 45 for wives, and nearly 75% for husbands, with the median divorce age in the U.S. being 33.2 for men and 31.1 for women.

While painful, mid-life crisis affairs often drive couples into therapy, leading to stronger, more committed marriages.

Despite researchers' findings, the mid-life crisis affair remains an enduring cultural trope. Americans use the concept of a “midlife crisis” to describe the struggle for meaning in middle life. Good couples therapy can help navigate this challenging period.

Thoughtful Questions: The Mid-Life Crisis as a Cultural Meme

How does the mid-life crisis function as a cultural meme in times of uncertainty and dread?

Why do we cling to this narrative despite limited empirical support? Is it a convenient explanation for deeper existential anxieties? As a couples therapist, these are the questions that keep me up at night. They are well worth exploring to understand the real impacts of midlife transitions on relationships and personal growth.

The Deeper Implications of a Mid-Life Crisis Affair

To delve deeper, we must consider the broader implications of the mid-life crisis affair. This cultural phenomenon may serve as a mirror reflecting our deepest fears and desires. In an age of uncertainty, where global and personal anxieties intertwine, the mid-life crisis becomes a symbol of our quest for meaning and stability.

The Mid-Life Crisis as a Symbol of Existential Dread

The mid-life crisis, often caricatured as a desperate attempt to recapture lost youth, might instead be a profound existential reckoning. It's a period where humans confront their mortality, reassess their achievements, and ponder their legacy. This introspection can trigger significant life changes, including affairs, as folks seek to redefine their identities.

Cultural Narratives and Personal Journeys

The mid-life crisis affair also highlights the tension between cultural narratives and personal experiences. While the media portrays it as a dramatic upheaval, the reality is often more nuanced. Individuals may not experience a full-blown crisis but rather a series of adjustments as they navigate the complexities of their middle age.

Practical Advice for Navigating a Mid-Life Crisis Affair

• Self-Reflection: Engage in deep self-reflection to understand your motivations and fears. Journaling or talking with a therapist can help uncover underlying issues.

• Open Communication: Maintain open communication with your partner. Discuss your feelings and concerns to foster understanding and support.

• Seek Professional Help: Consider couples therapy to navigate the challenges of a mid-life crisis together. A good therapist can provide tools and strategies to strengthen your relationship. If you’ve read this far, let me know.

• Focus on Growth: Embrace opportunities for personal and professional growth. Pursue new hobbies, set career goals, and invest in self-improvement.

• Mindfulness, Spiritual, and Religious Practices: Incorporate mindfulness, spiritual, and religious practices, such as meditation or yoga, to reduce stress and enhance emotional well-being.

Final thoughts

Ultimately, a mid-life crisis can be an opportunity for growth and transformation. By confronting our fears and embracing change, we can navigate this challenging period with resilience and grace.

As couples therapists, we guide individuals and couples through this journey, helping them find meaning and connection amidst the uncertainty. If you’ve read this far, please reach out to me. Perhaps I can help.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

Do you want a stronger marriage after your “mid-life crisis”?

RESEARCH:

Brim, O. G. (1976). Theories of the male midlife crisis. The Counseling Psychologist, 6, 2–29.

Brim, O. G. (1992). Ambition. New York: Basic Books. Brown, G. W., Sklair, F., Harris, T. O., & Birley, J. L. T. (1973). Life-events and psychiatric disorders. Part I: Some methodological considerations. Psychological Medicine, 3, 74–87. Cherlin, A. (1992).

Marriage, divorce, remarriage. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. Chiriboga, D. A. (1997). Crisis, challenge, and stability in the middle years.

M. E. Lachman & J. B. James (Eds.), Multiple paths of midlife development (pp. 293–322). Chicago: University of Chicago Press. Clausen, J. A. (1995). Gender, contexts, and turning points in adults’ lives.

Jaques, E. (1965). Death and the midlife crisis. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 46, 502–514. Kessler, R. C., Andrews, G., Mroczek, D., Ustun, B., & Wittchen, H. -U. (in press).

The World Health Organization Composite International Diagnostic Interview Short-Form (CIDI-SF). International Journal of Methods in Psychiatric Research.

Levinson, D. C., Darrow, E. B., Klein, M. H., Levinson, M. H., & McKee, B. (1978). The seasons of a man’s life. New York: Knopf.

Levinson, D., & Levinson, J. (1996). The seasons of a woman’s life. New York: Knopf.

Lowenthal, M. J., Thurnher, M., & Chiriboga, D. A. (1975). Four stages of life. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Wethington, E. (1999). Midlife development in a life course context. In S. L. Willis & J. D. Reid (Eds.), Life in the middle (pp. 3–23). San Diego: Academic. Mroczek, D., & Kolarz, D. (1998).