3 features of genuine forgiveness after an affair
Friday 8/11/23. This one is for DG and MG. Revised 8/12/24.
There are lots of alternatives to genuine forgiveness. Some hurt partners choose inconsolability, others migrate toward a shared notion of acceptance, but many offer a shallow, surface forgiveness which avoids the hard work of unpacking an interpersonal violation.
But some courageous couples actually attempt the work of genuine forgiveness in their affair recovery.
The 3 features of genuine forgiveness for hurt partners
Genuine Forgiveness is Transactional. Genuine forgiveness is not a “getting over it.” It’s also not a pardon, or a “get out of jail free” card.
Authentic forgiveness is deeply interpersonal. Achieving genuine forgiveness is the result of a shared effort of two life partners bound to a scope of work resulting from a profound breech of trust, and the subsequent shared intention to repair.
Genuine Forgiveness is Earned, Not Bestowed. The involved parter must be willing to do the work to repair the breech, especially processing the grief and sadness, and the hurt partner must be consolable. Repentance and restitution can restore a loving bond as resentment and fear subside. If the involved partner stops behaving in a restorative manner, genuine forgiveness will elude you.
The pursuit of genuine forgiveness requires answering the question “how diligently am I prepared to work on creating a space between us in which genuine forgiveness can germinate?”
Genuine Forgiveness Requires a Shift in Noticing. It’s common for hurt partners to become hyper-vigilant during their affair recovery. Hurt partners have been known to battle intrusive thoughts with luridly imagined details. On the other hand, the involved partner seeks to “move on” after “coming clean.” But genuine forgiveness is not the result of power washing the relationship.
What do I mean by a shift in noticing?
The involved partners who are seeking to restore trust must not only accept responsibility, they must acquire the skill to effectively manage their shame and discomfort by shifting their noticing in the moment.
Here’s how that looked like for my clients Jeff and Rita. Jeff ended a messy affair with a co-worker, a redhead named Samantha.
One of the interventions we agreed upon in the affair recovery work was an agreement that Jeff and Rita would have regular date nights.
Jeff was doing everything he promised.He was thoughtful, and planned date nights with Rita carefully.
Last week they told me a story that perfectly illustrates what I mean by a shift in noticing. Jeff took Rita to a new restaurant that they were visiting for the first time.
An attractive redhead approached their table with a winning smile.
“Hi! My name is Samantha and I’ll be your server this evening!”
Jeff saw a look of sudden dismay on Rita’s face. Jeff leaned into Rita, quite literally and spoke sotto voce into her ear…“Oh sh*t, Rita, honey, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I want this to be a fun date night…how are you feeling right now?”
Rita pulled her head back and looked up into Jeff’s eyes. “I’m doing fine because you just made is easier..thanks.”
Jeff shifted his vigilance to notice his wife’s apparent discomfort. Jeff heeded Rita’s suffering, and that powerful noticing soothed Rita to let it go.
In a parallel universe, Jeff thought. “oh this fu*king sucks… like I’m somehow responsible for the server’s name and hair color. Why can’t she see how she’s already ruining our evening? Why can’t she get over it?
In this alternate universe, Jeff never acknowledges Rita’s discomfort, and they mumble through a decidedly subdued date night. Of course, Rita picks a fight on the drive home, and they’re off to another fight night.
6 Essential tasks toward experiencing genuine forgiveness for involved partners
Examine what you believe about the notion of genuine forgiveness. How are your beliefs and assumptions blocking your access to authentic forgiveness?
Bear witness to the pain and suffering you caused.
Apologize… without annoyance, or defensiveness.
Enter into a long dark night of the soul. What is the truth here? What role does your shame play in your failure to notice?
Endeavor to restore trust. Be open, transparent, and notice.
Forgive yourself for afflicting your spouse and causing them to suffer.
The simple truth behind genuine forgiveness
Thought leader Terry Hargrave once said:
“Forgiveness is accomplished when the hurt partner no longer has to hold the involved partner responsible for the injustice; the involved partner holds themselves responsible.”
Humans are deeply flawed creatures. We are more than slightly irregular spiritual beings having a human experience. We live in a matrix of other lives. A web of connection huddles us together. When we are transgressed by a trusted life partner, our deep wounds can only be soothed by their profound noticing.
Healing from a stark breach of trust is a shared endeavor. The flowers of genuine forgiveness constantly beckon for the sunlight of noticing.
I once had the privilege of speaking with thought leader Janis Abrahms Spring about the experience of genuine forgiveness. Here’s what I remember her telling me:
“The more I consider the nature of the pain from infidelity, the more I think that just as humans can’t love alone, they can’t forgive alone either.”
Check out Janis’s classic book How Can I Forgive You? the courage to forgive, and the freedom not to.
Be well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
