The skill of taking Timeouts and Externalization
2/9/24 …Revised 2/17/24.
I deal with my fair share of volatile couples. If your goal is to stop fighting with your partner, there are a few things to keep in mind.
While marital conflict may be unavoidable, emotional flooding, toxic fighting, and escalation are entirely preventable.
Here are the 2 powerful ideas for what to do instead of fighting with your partner:
Escalation is the enemy
First, we must externalize the problem.
It is more than just a play on words.
When we look at things differently, we tend to believe that these differences are representative of our partner. We internalize them as "that person who believes this bad/stupid/wrong idea."
It's not only that we see things differently; we believe these different beliefs or traits make our partner terrible or wrong.
So we're ready to go to the mattresses over our differences (and not in a good way) to change their minds.
Externalization: making your partner an ally against the problem
It's your cycle, your demon dance, "the more..., the more" that fuels your escalation. The escalation is the problem. Once you understand that escalation is the enemy, you can align more readily to prevent it.
Once escalation is externalized (i.e., seen as a problem sufficient unto itself and not exclusively your partner's doing), it can be discussed in fresh ways.
For instance, once externalized, it's now possible for your couple's therapist to ask questions about how long the escalation has been impacting the marriage when it first invaded their intimate bond.
If there were factors that made it easy for escalation to walk in the door, what were they? What are the actual impacts of this unwelcome escalation on both of you? When has escalation been most potent and weakest? What maintains the escalation, and under what situations does it tend to leave? What soothes the escalation? And what tends to make it worse?
Questions like these reframe the problem of escalation into a co-created storyline. Now, you can discuss the escalation issue in a fresh new way.
Another way to discuss escalation is as a systemic process. "To the extent that you ( fill in their spouses' complaint) and the extent to which they (fill in their complaint) escalation arises like a chemical reaction.
Escalating couples need to become more curious than furious and begin to conceptualize the problem of escalation in a systemic, trigger-laden, and externalized way.
Once that happens, a couple can catch themselves in mid-escalation. I tell my couples that either of them has the option to say, "Honey, we're doing it again."
Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Viktor E. Frankl
Master the art of the time-out
If You Want to Stop Fighting With Your Partner, Master the Ultimate Tool Against Escalation...the Art of the Time Out.
The purpose of a Time-Out is simple.
It's to stop you from abruptly escalating. It's a panic button — an emergency brake.
A Time-Out is a 20-minute to 30-minute break away from an escalating conversation. It offers a temporal space for each spouse to regain control of their emotions and allow time for negative emotions to subside.
The proper frame for the time-out
Resist the temptation to critique each other's emotional self-control. A Time-Out is a self-report. It is a gift of the Observing Self. Calling a time-out has everything to do with you and nothing to do with your partner. When you call a Time-Out, you are saying. "I don't like feeling, thinking, or doing."
Don't call a Time-Out to highlight your partner's strong emotion ("I think you need a time-out"). It could backfire and might escalate the situation.
You are Leaving the Room...Explain What it Means and What it Doesn't Mean. Explain what's going on with you. Use simple descriptive language. "I don't like what I'm feeling, thinking, or doing" is a good start. Be responsible and communicate clearly. If you want to avoid being pursued, speak plainly about when you will be back.
Have a Time Out Ritual Agreed Upon In Advance. Some couples use the "T sign." Others have a ritual sentence that confirms the durability of their emotional connection and the fleeting nature of their emotional distress; "I love you, and I'm on your side... but I don't like how I'm reacting right now. I need a moment. I will be back in 20."
Time-Outs are a Unilateral Act of Grace. You Don't Need Permission. Don't belabor the point. Be clear, concise, and be gone. To stop fighting with your partner, declare a Time-Out and retire to another room.
Go to a bedroom. Close the door. Tense and relax your muscles. Take deep, cleansing breaths. Read something to block rumination. Your only goal is to calm your nervous system down. If fighting with your partner renders them too dysregulated to let you take a Time-Out... leave.
let's delve deeper into the science behind taking "time outs" during marital conflict…
Emotional Regulation: When conflict arises, emotions can run high, leading to a fight-or-flight response.
This can activate the body's stress response system, triggering the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.
These physiological changes can make it difficult to reason or communicate effectively.
Research by Gottman and colleagues (2002) suggests that heart rates can increase significantly during intense conflict, impairing cognitive functioning and exacerbating the emotional intensity of the situation.
Taking a time-out allows you to escape the situation, calm your physiological arousal, and regain dynamic equilibrium.
Neurobiological Perspective: From a neurobiological perspective, conflict activates brain areas associated with threat detection and emotional processing, such as the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex.
When emotions are heightened, the amygdala can hijack the rational thinking processes of the prefrontal cortex, leading to impulsive and reactive behaviors.
Taking a time-out creates space for the prefrontal cortex to regain control, facilitating clearer thinking and more deliberate responses. Neuroscience research supports the idea that practicing mindfulness during a time-out can further regulate emotional responses and promote cognitive flexibility (Davidson et al., 2003).
Attachment Theory: Attachment theory suggests that individuals develop patterns of relating to others based on their early experiences with caregivers.
During conflict, individuals may revert to attachment strategies learned in childhood, such as seeking proximity or withdrawing from the relationship. Taking a time-out can interrupt these automatic responses and allow individuals to reflect on their attachment needs and how they influence their reactions to conflict.
Research by Feeney and Noller (1990) found that humans with secure attachment styles were more likely to use constructive conflict resolution strategies, while those with insecure attachment styles were more prone to defensive or avoidant behaviors.
Cognitive Processing: Conflict can overwhelm mental resources, making it difficult to process information and make reasoned decisions. Cognitive theories of emotion regulation emphasize the role of cognitive reappraisal in modulating emotional responses to stressful situations.
Humans can engage in cognitive reappraisal by taking a time-out and reframing the conflict positively or constructively. This cognitive restructuring can reduce emotional distress and facilitate more adaptive coping strategies (Gross, 1998).
The egg intervention
If you're taking a Time-Out by leaving, tell your partner where you are going and when you will return.
Communicating with your partner during a fight is essential. And if you decide to leave briefly, walking is far safer than driving.
Here's an idea that some of my clients have used. Before you leave, take an egg out of the refrigerator.
Go out for a walk. Breathe deeply and walk briskly. Feel the extraordinary egg gradually warm in your hand as you walk.
Imagine all your emotions and frustration warming the egg, seeping out of you and into the egg. Keep walking for 20 minutes or so. Then, do something appropriate with this egg.
Some might want to throw it into a trash can or smash it against a tree. Others may hide it somewhere.
But whatever you choose to do with the egg, return to your spouse in a calm state.
One of my clients quietly thanks the egg for absorbing his frustration and dutifully returns it to the refrigerator.
Remember to return to the scene of the time-out
When you are ready to end a Time-Out, you should be emotionally regulated, prepared to repair, and not flooded.
Some therapists suggest that you return to the conversation. I prefer that you do a check-in first.
Ask each other how you feel about picking up the conversation. You may want to talk about something else for a while.
The important thing is to check in and emotionally reconnect.
One of my heroes, Couples Therapist Extraordinaire Terry Real, suggests a 24-hour moratorium on triggering topics. That's not a bad idea either.
Sometimes You Need Tools. Some couples have specific topics that typically lead to escalation. That's when a good couples therapist can help. Feel free to get help if you get too stuck too often. If you want to know how to stop fighting with your partner... get some good couples therapy. I can help with that.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Bannink, F. (2006). 1000 Solution-focused questions. New York: Norton.
de Shazer, S. (1985). Keys to solution in brief therapy. New York: Norton.
Gerhart, D. (2010). Collaborative and narrative therapies. In Mastering Competencies in family therapy: A practical approach to theories and clinical case documentation. Belmont, CA: Cengage, 403-458.
Gehart, D. R. & Tuttle, A. R. (2003). Theory-based treatment planning for marriage and family therapists. Belmont, CA: Cengage.
Real, T. (2007) The new rules of marriage. New York: Ballantine Books.
Davidson, R. J., Kabat-Zinn, J., Schumacher, J., Rosenkranz, M., Muller, D., Santorelli, S. F., ... & Sheridan, J. F. (2003). Alterations in brain and immune function produced by mindfulness meditation. Psychosomatic Medicine, 65(4), 564-570.
Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281–291.
Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
