Why is emotional intimacy in marriage so hard these days? Here are 4 reasons…

Saturday, February 10, 2024. This is for BK, KK, and another BK, who will prevail.

Emotional Intimacy in marriage is challenging enough during ordinary times. But tough times introduce external stressors that can make married life extraordinarily stressful.

The more we study emotional intimacy in marriage from the vantage point of neuroscience, the more we discover that an abiding sense of emotional connection is difficult for the brain and nervous system, which privileges safety over intimacy.

And when your safety is threatened daily, your nervous system already has a plan for you…getting back to safety… pronto.

But what makes a partner feel unsafe?

The danger and threat that we experience in our emotional world is sometimes at the hands of our most intimate others. 

But it is the accumulated emotional weight of our conversations that establishes a baseline sentiment override with our intimate partner.

That baseline is either positive or negative… and influences nearly all of our relational experiences.

Here are 4 reasons from neuroscience why emotional intimacy in marriage is so hard these days:

• What Your Spouse Sees and How They Hear You is Far More Essential Than the Words You Say.

Intimacy is driven by a sense of safety, which is secured by external cues, but unfortunately, we tend to place more importance on our sentences than on our stance. 

Words are important, but your partner’s nervous system responds more reliably to the volume, tone, and pitch of your voice, as well as your facial expressions, quality of eye contact, and overall body language.

Don’t get me wrong, in couples therapy we focus greatly on the impact of your words. However, if your partner doesn’t “feel” safe, words alone will not suffice.

• Don’t just Pay Attention to your Partner…Make a Greater Effort to Bestow Attention

We tend to permit our attention to become easily distracted.

But during times of great upheaval, we can’t be sloppy communicators with our best friend and life partner. The human brain and nervous system require a congruent presentation, a set of boxes to check that convey a sense of safety.

When you bestow attention, competing distractions are dispensed with. Clear signals of interest are singular and focused. There is no divided attention, no competition. No phone, no food, no pets.

You are singularly focused on your partner, and you are relaxed, friendly, open, and curious.

• Absent Safety, There Can Be No Emotional Intimacy in Marriage

When we display divided attention at a critical moment (such as when a phone alerts us, and we shift attention away from our partner), we have just altered their safety level.

Your partner's brain and nervous system notice these cues.

In an instant, their degree of safety shifted. What story will your partner create about the meaning of your response to your phone? Will you have to de-escalate the situation?  I can help with that.

So what happens next when emotional intimacy in marriage gets hijacked?

A couples therapist might tell you it depends on your sentiment override, but a neuroscientist will tell you it depends on how safe your partner feels. This is because we human beings can sometimes feel unentitled to our own feelings.

Safety matters. We need to feel validated and have the sense that the thoughts or feelings we are experiencing in the present moment can be disclosed and discussed.

It helps when our external culture reflects our inner experience, and doesn’t scold or condemn us. Then, we know whether or not our thoughts or feelings are safe to talk about.

The prevailing thinking in couples therapy is that in order to attain emotional intimacy in our marriage, we first require a shared understanding that it is safe, acceptable, and even advantageous to do so.

This sentiment among couples therapy thought leaders are apparently universal (Huff, 2012), (Johnson, 2008), (Gottman,1999) (Hendrix & Hunt,1999); Fishbane (1986, 2013); and Wile (1995).

Shared amusement may have to do for some couples but for neurological reasons…

We tend to confuse shared amusement with intimacy. Parallel play, like watching a movie together, or sitting next to each other with devices. Proximity might be soothing…but it isn't necessarily intimacy.

Neurotypicals have an imagined thirst for eye contact. They admire gazing into their beloved’s eyes. A generative conversation conducted once a week will help you build more emotional muscle and intimacy skills.

Once in a committed relationship, we tend to take each other for granted. It’s an unfortunate truth that, eventually, our relationship behaviors tend to become more reflexive and automatic.

Emotional intimacy in marriage is a skill honed by the effective management of healthy conflict.

If your partner's brain doesn’t get enough bestowed attention from you, their safety level will eventually decline. That conflict requires immediate attention.

Emotional intimacy means talking about how you talk.

• Appreciate the Difference Between Being Reactive and Reflective

Our nervous systems are reactive, not reflective. But we can decide to breathe, notice, and slow down instead.

One of my recent clients called it “presence.” which she described as a felt sense of safety that arises when she experiences her partner’s bestowed attention…the special feeling of being on the receiving end of her partner’s singular focus, congruence, gentleness, and curiosity.

We “feel felt” when we experience the fully present attention, empathy, and presence of our partner. Open-ended questions and playful curiosity can help.

Once you feel sufficiently safe, you and your partner can creatively hover over the conversation like a drone and go “meta”

Going “meta” means having a conversation about your conversations, and describing emotions as visitors that typically come and go

Gottman’s famous “Dreams Within Conflict” intervention teaches couples that effective conflict management is an unavoidable aspect of intimacy.

Our nervous system, with its endless preoccupation with safety, actually blocks our awareness of what lies beneath our defensive reactivity, because we can get emotionally flooded so quickly.

When we reflexively accommodate our fears, we consign ourselves to a relationship of pain and confusion.

But when we can playfully have “conversations about our conversations” and roleplay different responses, we might just figure out a way of being more present to one another.

Emotional intimacy can be accelerated when you can go “meta” and talk about how you hold conversations

You might prefer this newer way of talking about what you are doing now out of sheer habit and muscle memory.

Emotional intimacy is a fundamental aspect of a healthy and happy marriage. However, it is not always easy to achieve, especially when the initial excitement of a new relationship fades away.

It is common to become uncertain about our partner and their commitment to us, which can lead to a lack of trust and safety in the relationship.

To deepen emotional intimacy in marriage, it is essential to practice effective communication. Couples can benefit from using card decks that provide conversation starters to escape the usual automatic stimulus/response banter. It is also important to slow down, notice, and pay attention to how we talk.

In good couples therapy, it is possible to identify automatic speech habits and learn about softened startups, defensiveness, and repair attempts. Such therapy can help couples handle differences effectively, build trust and safety, and deepen emotional intimacy.

Final thoughts

However, achieving emotional intimacy is not always easy. It requires kindness, emotional stability, and realistic expectations. Moreover, it is essential to be present, curious, and attentive to our partner, even when life gets chaotic and stressful.

The COVID-19 pandemic, political uncertainty, and other challenges can create background stress that affects our nervous system and brain's ability to feel happy and secure in a committed relationship. Therefore, it is crucial to have a heart-to-heart conversation with our partner, breathe, and notice how we talk to build a deeper emotional connection.

Emotional intimacy in marriage is a challenging but essential aspect of building a healthy and happy relationship. With practice, effective communication, and a willingness to be present and attentive, couples can build trust, and safety, and deepen their emotional connection, even in these increasingly difficult times.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Fishbane, M. (1986, Jul). No Time for Sex? Chatelaine. 59, 56-58.

Fishbane, M. (2013). A neurobiological-relational approach to couples therapy. In Creating connection: A relational-cultural approach with couples (pp. (2013), p 2166-2414).

Gottman, J.M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. New York, NY: W W Norton.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (1999). Imago Relationship Therapy: Creating a conscious marriage or relationship. In Preventative approaches in couples therapy (pp.(1999), p 1169-1610.

Huff, S. C. (2012). A Review of “Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy”, by Stan Tatkin. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 11:3, 271-272, DOI: 10.1080/15332691.2012.692950

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little Brown.

Wile, D.B. (1995). An ego-analytic approach to couples therapy. In N.S. Jacobson & A.S. Gurman (Eds), Clinical handbook of couples therapy (pp.91-120). New York: Guilford.