Therapy-Baiting: When 'I've Been to Therapy' is the new 'I Love Dogs' on Your Dating Profile

Monday, August 5, 2024.

Jessica thought she'd struck gold. Her date, Mike, openly discussed his extensive experience in therapy, and she was impressed.

Fast forward a few months, and Jessica, a 32-year-old marketing manager from Boston, caught feelings. They became boyfriend and girlfriend.

But, like a bad plot twist, years into their relationship, she discovered Mike had a "huge coke addiction" and had grossly exaggerated his therapy experience.

“He’d been referred to a counselor for six sessions and only went to about two,” Jessica, whose name has been changed for privacy reasons, told me.

They soldiered on, but when the pandemic hit, things got tense. Jessica, who was actually in therapy, nudged Mike to see a professional.

His response? “Oh, they said I didn’t need therapy.” This from a man still addicted to cocaine with unresolved childhood trauma. Clearly, he hadn't been honest with his therapist.

Sure, you can’t force someone into therapy if they’re not ready, but his dishonesty landed Jessica in a situation she could have dodged. “If he hadn't been so skilled at seeming like one kind of person in the beginning, I wouldn't have ended up in a relationship at all,” she says.

Welcome to the modern dating scene, where ‘therapy-baiting’ is the latest trend.

It’s the art of using therapy talk to appear sensitive and evolved, triggering a swooning reaction. This phenomenon is mainly, but not exclusively, perpetrated by men.

They might exaggerate their therapy sessions or sprinkle therapy lingo like fairy dust to seem more appealing.

In extreme cases, they flat-out fake it.

Social media is rife with examples. “I just went on the worst date of my life with a man who said he had ‘completed therapy,’” tweets one user. Another warns, “It’s the men who tell you their therapist said they’re fine you want to watch out for. What they really mean is they expect you to be their therapist. They haven’t figured out how to word it properly yet.” And so the list goes on and on.

The therapy-baiting trend and cultural narcissism

This trend isn’t surprising. Perhaps as an emerging antidote to Cultural Narcissism, Western Societies have started to value emotional openness and mental health awareness.

Take Great Britain, for example. According to Hinge, 83% of UK singles would rather date someone who goes to therapy, and 81% are more likely to go on a second date if it’s mentioned on the first. It’s no wonder some folks are leveraging this for dating clout.

But here’s the kicker: just because someone has been to therapy doesn’t mean they’ve transformed into a saint with self-awareness oozing out of every pore.

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author, points out, “Therapy doesn’t cure people; it gives them tools to cope.” Plenty of people have therapy but still haven’t addressed their issues. Think of it like planting seeds in a garden; without effort, you’ll be waiting for flowers that may never bloom.

Take Sarah, a 38-year-old writer from New York City, for instance. She was charmed on the first date when her Blake mentioned he was in therapy, working on opening up despite coming from a family that didn’t discuss feelings.

That charm wore off quickly when he started giving unsolicited therapy advice about her verbally abusive father. He suggested she go back to therapy, claiming she seemed "very wounded."

Sarah soon realized in coaching with me that he was using therapy to feed his superiority complex. “ I lost my sh*t a bit in public,” she laughed, after Blake called her “immature and “undeveloped” on their third and final date.

As if that wasn’t enough, she told me, another woman had to step in and offer Sarah an escape route from her date from hell. This wasn’t the first time Sarah had encountered a guy co-opting therapy language to undermine her. It’s becoming an emerging cultural trope.

The Mental Health Dodge

Then there are those who use therapy as an excuse for their crappy behavior.

Jennifer, a 32-year-old PR manager, recounts a guy who waxed poetic about his therapy and meditation journey, only to become distant and non-communicative after a few weeks. He blamed his mental health, which might be true, but it’s also a handy excuse for dodging responsibility.

Let’s be real: therapy can be a very vulnerable thing to admit, and nice people don’t want to call others out on it.

But there are signs someone might be using an intentional therapy manipulation.

Watch out for being minimized with phrases like, “Oh, you wouldn’t understand this, you haven’t been to therapy.” Notice if the conversation always turns back to you instead of sharing about themselves.

Look for a disconnect between their words and actions—they talk about therapy …but still act entitled and disrespectful.

Sure, this behavior isn’t exclusive to men. David, a 28-year-old actor from Los Angeles, told me that he dated a woman who used therapy language to get her way. She’d get angry when he didn’t reply to texts and blamed him for everything, accusing him of “deflecting” or “projecting.” It was exhausting.

Final thoughts

So, what’s the takeaway? If you’re genuinely in therapy to better yourself, use the tools you’ve gained to listen and be more self-aware. And if you’re dating, remember: just because someone talks about therapy doesn’t mean they’ve done the work.

Keep an eye out for those red flags, and trust your gut. I can help with that.

And there you have it, folks: therapy-baiting is the latest red flag in the wild world of modern dating. Stay sharp, and don't let anyone use their supposed emotional depth to reel you in without showing you the receipts.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.