Why you will marry the wrong person
Monday, August 5, 2024. This is for Jenn, who is starting school at Antioch of New England.
Marriage: a journey of love, commitment, and occasionally wondering why you agreed to share your life with someone who doesn't understand your obsession with obscure board games or think that leaving dirty socks around is a serious crime.
The truth is, many of us will marry the wrong person. Here's why:
Misunderstood by Your Spouse
Ever tried explaining why you need a weekly three-hour Dungeons & Dragons session to your spouse?
Chances are, their eyes glazed over after the first mention of “orcs.” When your significant other doesn't get your passions, misunderstandings become the norm.
This isn't just about hobbies—it's about feeling seen and understood. Marrying someone who thinks your interests are odd or boring sets the stage for a lifetime of "we need to talk" conversations.
If your spouse thinks "role-playing" is something you do only in the bedroom, you’re in for some serious misunderstandings. Remember, compatibility is key, and sometimes, that means finding someone who understands your need to don a wizard hat on Friday nights.
Different Passions
Imagine you live for spontaneous road trips, while your partner's idea of adventure is a well-organized spice rack. When passions don’t align, the relationship can feel like a constant tug-of-war.
It’s not that one of you is wrong; it's just that your dream honeymoon looks like hiking in the Himalayas, while theirs involves a five-star hotel and a well-planned itinerary.
If one of you loves salsa dancing and the other thinks "Salsa" is just a dip for chips, you might be in trouble. Shared passions can ignite the spark in a relationship, while mismatched interests can leave you dancing solo at the Salsa Club.
They Don’t Know or Care to Understand Your Work
If your partner has never taken the time to understand what you do for a living, it can be profoundly frustrating.
You’re passionate about your job, but they just see it as a “thing” you do.
Without mutual respect and understanding of each other’s professional lives, you’re left venting to the cat about office politics.
When you say you had a "breakthrough at work" and they respond with, "That's nice, dear," without looking up from their phone, you might have a problem. Your work is a big part of your life, and if your spouse treats it like a minor inconvenience, you're bound to feel undervalued.
They Offer Only a Total Lack of Support
Support is crucial in a marriage. If your spouse's response to your big promotion is a shrug rather than a celebratory dinner, it's a red flag.
The same goes for your personal projects—whether you’re learning to paint or training for a marathon, having a partner who cheers you on makes a huge difference.
If their idea of support is saying "Good luck" as you embark on your dream project while they binge-watch Netflix, you're in for a rocky ride. A supportive spouse is like having your personal cheerleader; without it, you're just running the marathon alone, and nobody wants that.
There are Major League Meta-Emotional Mismatches
Some people are optimists, while others are, let’s say, more grounded (or pessimistic, depending on how you look at it). If your spirits are misaligned, you might constantly try to lift them up while they keep pulling you back down.
It’s exhausting to maintain a relationship where you’re both living in different emotional climates.
If you're a glass-half-full person and they're a glass-half-empty (or even worse, glass-completely-dry) kind of person, you'll end up exhausted trying to keep the positivity afloat.
You Often Disagree About Money
Money matters, and arguing about it can tear couples apart.
Whether it's differing spending habits or divergent saving philosophies, financial discord is a leading cause of marital stress. If one of you is a spender and the other a saver, get ready for heated debates about whether a $200 coffee maker is a necessity or a frivolous expense.
If you’re meticulously budgeting every cent and they’re impulsively buying the latest gadgets, you’re headed for some serious financial friction. Marrying someone with a drastically different approach to money is like trying to mix oil and water – it’s messy and frustrating.
They Cheated on Someone Else to Be With You
Let's be real: if they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you. A penchant for infidelity is a pretty clear sign that you married the wrong person.
Trust is the foundation of any marriage, and infidelity shatters that trust.
While some couples do work through it, the betrayal often leaves lasting scars. If your spouse thinks "faithfulness" is just a word they vaguely remember from their wedding vows, it's a big problem.
Infidelity is, for some folks, the ultimate relationship deal-breaker, making it painfully obvious that you’ve married the wrong person.
Lack of Ambition
Ambition drives personal growth and success.
If you’re a go-getter, but married to someone who’s content with the status quo, it can lead to resentment.
You’re pushing forward, striving for more, while they’re just coasting along, sitting on their ass, happy to let life happen.
If your idea of a good time is setting goals and crushing them, while theirs is binge-watching reality TV, you’re bound to feel frustrated. Marrying someone with zero ambition is like trying to drag a rock uphill – exhausting and ultimately futile. Trust me.
Takers, Not Givers
Marrying a taker—someone who’s always happy to receive but rarely gives—leads to a one-sided relationship.
You’ll find yourself exhausted from constantly catering to their needs without your own being met.
Relationships are about balance, and if your partner isn’t contributing, it’s a recipe for burnout.
If your spouse’s idea of "sharing" is taking the last slice of pizza without asking, you’re in for a rude awakening. Takers drain your energy and leave you feeling undervalued.
They Simply Don’t Care
Apathy is a silent but deadly relationship killer.
If your partner doesn’t care about your feelings, your dreams, or your shared future, it’s a huge problem.
You’ll feel lonely and undervalued, wondering why you’re even in the relationship. If your spouse’s reaction to your emotional breakdown is a distracted annoyance, it’s a clear sign of apathy.
In a healthy marriage, both partners care deeply about each other's well-being and are at each other’s side in times of deep vulnerability. Without that mutual care, you can feel isolated and neglected.
Final Thoughts
Marrying the wrong person isn’t just about choosing the wrong partner—it’s about choosing someone who doesn’t align with your core values, passions, and goals.
To avoid this, it’s crucial to recognize these red flags much earlier on.
Remember, marriage is a partnership, and it works best when both partners are on the same page and support each other every step of the way.
So, as you embark on the quest for lifelong companionship, keep these points in mind.
If you relate to any of these, it might be time for some serious soul-searching—or at least a good laugh with a friend who totally gets why Dungeons & Dragons is a perfectly acceptable reason to miss dinner.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
