The Work Wife Phenomenon: Unpacking Emotional Labor, Office BFFs, and the Hidden Power of Workplace Relationships

Wednesday, October 16, 2024.

The "work wife" trope has become a familiar part of modern office culture.

It’s that quirky, endearing term that people throw around when they have a colleague—typically of the opposite gender—who’s not just a coworker, but more like a partner-in-crime.

They know your lunch order, your favorite work playlist, and they’re the person you vent to when your boss is driving you up the wall. It’s a little bit like having a spouse, except you don’t have to worry about who’s taking out the trash at home (unless your office has some very strange trash policies).

But behind the laughs and camaraderie, the "work wife" trope carries a lot of interesting baggage.

From gender dynamics to emotional labor to changing office environments, let’s unpack the story of how "work spouses" became a thing and why it says a lot more about us than we might think.

Where Did the "Work Wife" Come From?

So, where did this whole idea of a "work wife" come from? Did one day some office buddy just look up from their cubicle and say, "You’re like my work spouse," and everyone nodded in agreement? Not quite.

The "work wife" concept has roots in the evolving dynamics of the workplace over the past century. Back in the day, men were the dominant force in most offices, while women were more likely to be managing things at home.

But as women began entering the workforce in larger numbers (thank you, feminist movements of the 1960s and ’70s!), the office space started to change.

Men and women were working side by side in ways that hadn’t happened before, and new types of professional relationships were being forged.

This shift needed new language. So, along came the "work wife" to describe a bond that was closer than your typical office acquaintance but not quite romantic.

It was a way to capture those connections that go beyond swapping reports and PowerPoint slides. And, let's face it, you needed someone in the office who knew how you take your coffee.

Emotional Labor: The Secret Sauce Behind Every Work Wife

Here’s where things get a little more serious. The work wife trope didn’t just develop because everyone thought it was cute to throw "wife" around in the office. It actually taps into something much deeper: emotional labor.

Women, both in their personal lives and at work, often end up in roles where they’re expected to be the emotional caretakers. You know, the ones making sure everyone is okay, smoothing over conflicts, and just being the general "office mom" (even if they don’t have kids).

Research by sociologist Arlie Hochschild talks about this at length. She coined the term emotional labor in the 1980s to describe how women often manage not only their own work but also the feelings and well-being of those around them (Hochschild, 1983).

So, if your work wife is the one always listening to your rants about meetings that should’ve been emails or helping you de-stress before a presentation, that’s emotional labor.

It’s sorta like having a therapist, life coach, and personal cheerleader all rolled into one, and, let’s be real—those skills are priceless. Except, of course, they often go unpaid and unrecognized, which is the frustrating part.

Pop Culture and the Rise of the Work Wife

If you’ve ever watched TV shows like The Office (hello, Jim and Pam!) or Parks and Recreation (Ben and Leslie, anyone?), you’ve probably noticed that the work wife trope has made its way into our entertainment. And no wonder—it’s perfect for those funny, heartwarming, "aww"-inducing moments.

But this trope didn’t just stay confined to fictional workplaces.

It jumped into our everyday office chatter. Suddenly, having a "work wife" or "work husband" became a thing that people laughed about, celebrated, and occasionally worried over when their real spouse said, "So... who’s this ‘work wife’ again?"

Pop culture has been key in popularizing this term, making it feel more fun and approachable. But like any catchy concept, it’s not all sunshine and desk chair spins.

Candace West and Don Zimmerman’s research on "doing gender" explains that these roles often reinforce traditional gender norms. Women, by default, are often expected to be the nurturing, supportive "work spouse" because that’s what society expects, even in a professional setting (West & Zimmerman, 1987).

The Pros and Cons of Having a Work Spouse

Let’s get real for a second: having a work wife can be awesome.

There’s something deeply comforting about knowing you have a close ally at work, someone who just gets you. Studies show that social support at work can improve job satisfaction, reduce stress, and even increase productivity (Cohen & Wills, 1985).

So, if you’ve got a work wife who always knows when you need that extra coffee run or that last-minute pep talk, count yourself lucky.

But—because there’s always a but—there are some downsides, too. For starters, it can sometimes create awkwardness in actual romantic relationships.

Partners might feel a bit jealous of the closeness between work spouses, especially when the bond starts to look a lot like the real deal.

I mean, sure, your real-life spouse might be cool with you having lunch with a work spouse every day, but when your work wife knows all your snack preferences and career hopes and dreams, things can get... tricky.

Plus, let’s not forget that sometimes the emotional labor of being a work wife can get heavy.

If one person is always doing the listening, comforting, and supporting, it can lead to burnout. Sociologist Susan Fisk talks about the invisible emotional load women often carry in the workplace—work that’s exhausting but rarely acknowledged or rewarded (Fisk, 2013).

So, if you’re someone’s work wife, it’s important to set boundaries, even if that means occasionally saying, "Sorry, I can’t listen to another rant about the printer today."

Is the Work Wife Here to Stay?

With all the changes to the workplace (hello, remote work and Zoom meetings in pajama bottoms), you might wonder if the work wife trope is on its way out. After all, if you’re not physically in the same office, is it possible to form those close, lunch-buddy-like relationships?

The answer is: maybe.

People still crave connection, even when working remotely. Platforms like Slack and Teams have replaced the office water cooler, and many of us are finding ways to maintain close relationships online.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs reminds us that belonging is fundamental (Maslow, 1943), and even if the work wife term fades out, the need for connection and support at work won’t go away. We might just see new terms like "work bestie" or "work partner-in-crime" crop up instead.

The Future of Emotional Labor at Work

As discussions about gender, emotional labor, and workplace equity continue to grow, there’s hope that we’ll start to recognize the invisible load people (especially women) carry in the workplace.

The future of work relationships might involve more balance, where everyone shares the responsibility for keeping the emotional gears running smoothly. After all, wouldn’t it be great if emotional support was seen as valuable for everyone, not just something women are expected to do?

The Work Wife of the Future

So, what’s the future of the work wife? It’s hard to say. Like the office environments it springs from, it’s constantly evolving. But what’s clear is that work spouses—whether they remain or transform into something new—are all about connection. And in today’s often stressful, high-pressure work culture, that kind of connection is more important than ever.

As we move forward, maybe it’s time to take a step back and reimagine the work wife role. Instead of falling into traditional gender patterns, we can start creating workplaces where emotional support is a shared responsibility, and everyone gets to feel like they’ve got someone in their corner. And hey, maybe the next time someone calls you their "work spouse," you can just smile and say, "Yeah, and I’m charging for the emotional labor this time!"

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCE:

Cohen, S., & Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin, 98(2), 310.

Fisk, S. R. (2013). The invisible load: Women, work, and emotional labor. Oxford University Press.

Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling. University of California Press.

Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370-396.

West, C., & Zimmerman, D. H. (1987). Doing gender. Gender & Society, 1(2), 125-151.