The Science of Staying in Love: Why “Hey, Look at That Bird” Matters More Than Valentine’s Day
Thursday, March 13, 2025.
When people imagine the secret to lasting love, they tend to think big. Grand romantic gestures. Passionate declarations.
The kind of sweeping moments that make it into movies—the airport chase, the surprise engagement, the violin-accompanied apology scene.
But John Gottman’s research tells a very different story.
According to his Love Lab studies, what actually predicts whether a couple will last isn’t how often they declare their love, but how often they turn toward each other in the smallest, most mundane moments (Gottman, 1999).
What does that mean?
It means that the way you respond to something as trivial as “Hey, look at that bird” has a bigger impact on your relationship than a dozen candlelit anniversaries.
Love Is Built in the Micro-Moments
What Gottman found is that couples are constantly making bids for connection—small, everyday moments where one partner tries to engage the other.
“Hey, look at that bird.”
“I had a weird dream last night.”
“Did you see this article?”
“Man, that sunset is beautiful.”
Every time a partner makes one of these micro-moments of engagement, their significant other has three choices:
Turn toward (“Wow, that’s a cool bird!”)
Turn away (ignoring them entirely)
Turn against (“Who cares about the stupid bird?”)
Gottman’s research found that couples who “turn toward” each other in these moments at least 86% of the time stay together, while those who turn toward only 33% of the time are likely to divorce (Gottman, 1999).
The big gestures are nice, but they don’t sustain relationships. The little moments of presence and attention do.
The Real Reason This Matters: Emotional Trust Is Built in the Ordinary
At first glance, this research might seem counterintuitive. How could something as trivial as responding to a partner’s comment about the weather predict relationship longevity?
Because these small interactions aren’t about the bird, the sunset, or the dream.
They’re about trust.
Every time a partner acknowledges one of these moments, it sends a fundamental message:
I see you.
You matter to me.
I want to share this life with you, even in the smallest ways.
When these bids are consistently met with indifference or hostility, the underlying message shifts to something much darker:
You don’t really matter to me.
I’m not interested in sharing my world with you.
You’re alone in this relationship.
This is why relationships don’t usually collapse in a single catastrophic moment. They dissolve through a slow, barely noticeable erosion of connection.
The happiest couples aren’t the ones with the most passion or the most romantic vacations—they’re the ones who have created a steady, reliable rhythm of turning toward each other.
Attachment Science Confirms: The Small Moments Matter More Than the Big Ones
What’s fascinating is that attachment theory backs up Gottman’s findings completely. Secure attachment in relationships isn’t built on big dramatic moments—it’s built on small, repeated proofs of availability (Cassidy & Shaver, 2016).
Think about it:
An anxiously attached partner isn’t soothed by a surprise trip to Paris if their partner consistently ignores them in daily interactions.
An avoidantly attached partner doesn’t suddenly feel safe because of a grand anniversary speech—they need ongoing, consistent, pressure-free engagement.
Secure couples aren’t constantly questioning each other’s availability—because they already know their partner is there for them. And that knowledge isn’t created by the big moments—it’s built in the tiny, everyday ways a couple interacts.
The Opposite of "Turning Toward" Is Emotional Loneliness
What happens when couples stop turning toward each other?
The relationship doesn’t necessarily explode. Instead, it atrophies.
One partner stops sharing small observations.
The other gets used to not responding.
Conversations shrink to logistical exchanges: “Did you pick up milk?” “What time is the parent-teacher meeting?”
The relationship becomes functional rather than intimate.
Psychologists call this emotional loneliness—when a couple is still together, but they’re no longer emotionally present for each other (Weiss, 1973).
It turns out that relationships don’t usually end in fury—they end in silence.
The Relationship Fix: How to Rebuild Connection with Small Moments
If you want to strengthen your relationship, don’t plan an extravagant weekend getaway.
Start by responding to the next “Hey, look at that bird” moment.
Gottman’s research shows that simply increasing the number of “turning toward” moments shifts relationships back into a secure, connected space (Gottman, 1999).
Here’s how:
Notice the Bids
A lot of bids for connection are easy to miss—especially in long-term relationships. If you’re distracted, stressed, or emotionally distant, you might not even realize your partner is trying to engage you.
Start paying attention to the small ways they reach out.
Do they comment on random things?
Do they share little thoughts that seem unimportant?
Do they ask you questions that seem trivial?
Respond With Engagement, Not Just Tolerance
If your partner says, “I read something weird today,” don’t just grunt. Ask a follow-up question.
If they say, “The moon looks amazing tonight,” don’t just nod—go outside and look at it together.
Build Rituals of Connection
Secure couples don’t leave connection to chance. They build tiny but reliable rituals into their daily lives:
Checking in about each other’s day before bed
A morning coffee ritual together
Inside jokes that stay alive over the years
These don’t seem important—but they’re the glue that holds relationships together.
Final Thought: Love Lives in the Small Moments
It turns out, lasting love isn’t about intensity—it’s about consistency.
The happiest couples aren’t the ones with the most extravagant vacations or the most dramatic love stories.
They’re the ones who:
Keep paying attention to each other.
Keep showing up for each other.
Keep choosing to engage, even in the small, ordinary moments.
Because, in the end, relationships aren’t built on one grand moment—they’re built on a thousand tiny ones.
And your ability to respond to “Hey, look at that bird” might just be the most important skill in your marriage.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically-based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Weiss, R. S. (1973). Loneliness: The experience of emotional and social isolation. MIT Press.