Couples Therapy Works—But Only If You Don’t Wait Until Your Marriage Is a Crime Scene

THURSDAY, MARCH 13, 2025.

Couples therapy has a timing problem.

Older American couples tend to treat it like a Hail Mary, something to try when the relationship is already circling the drain.

But research shows that therapy is only effective if couples go before their problems reach a point of no return (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

By the time many couples actually book an appointment, they’ve already spent years stockpiling resentment, emotionally disengaging, or outright fantasizing about life without each other.

The biggest relationship killer isn’t conflict, boredom, or even infidelity.

It’s waiting too long to fix what’s broken.

The “Too Late” Problem: Why Couples Delay Therapy Until It’s Almost Pointless

Gottman’s research found that the average couple waits six years before seeking therapy (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

But newer studies suggest that for many couples, even three years of unresolved distress is enough to solidify destructive patterns (Doss et al., 2009).

Here’s what the research shows about why couples wait—and why that wait is so dangerous.

The "It’s Not That Bad Yet" Fallacy

One of the most dangerous myths in relationships is “If we’re not constantly fighting, we’re fine.”

But the research suggests otherwise:

• High conflict does not predict divorce.

• Low intimacy and emotional withdrawal do (Gottman, 2015).

This means that the most at-risk couples aren’t necessarily the ones screaming at each other. They’re the ones sitting across the dinner table in silence, scrolling their phones, and feeling absolutely nothing.

Studies on emotional disengagement show that when partners stop reaching for each other—not necessarily in arguments, but in everyday life—the relationship enters a slow decline that is difficult to reverse (Levenson et al., 1993).

The red flag isn’t conflict—it’s indifference.

By the time one partner says “I don’t feel anything anymore,” therapy is no longer preventative—it’s an autopsy.

The Delayed Help-Seeking Effect

Doss et al. (2009) found that couples consistently underestimate the severity of their problems. They assume that as long as their issues are “not as bad as other people’s”, they don’t need therapy.

But here’s what the data shows:

• The longer a couple waits, the lower their chances of repair.

• Couples who seek therapy earlier (within the first two years of distress) have significantly better outcomes than those who wait five or more years.

By the time some couples go to therapy, one partner is already emotionally checked out, which makes interventions far less effective (Whisman et al., 2018).

Therapy doesn’t work when one partner is already halfway out the door.

The “We Can Fix It Ourselves” Illusion

Couples often assume that if they just try harder, things will improve on their own.

This would be great if true, but research suggests that once certain negative cycles are established, they don’t just disappear.

For example:

• Gottman found that when contempt enters a relationship, it doesn’t self-correct—it intensifies (Gottman, 1999).

• 94% of couples who start fights with criticism and defensiveness will continue that pattern unless they actively change it (Gottman & Levenson, 1999).

• Couples who avoid conflict completely are at higher risk for divorce than those who argue productively(Amato & Hohmann-Marriott, 2007).

This means that if a couple falls into destructive patterns, they don’t typically just “outgrow” them. Without external intervention, they deepen.

By the time couples finally realize they can’t fix it alone, they’ve usually spent years reinforcing the very problems they now need therapy to undo.

The Emotional Bank Account Is Already Empty

Gottman’s 5:1 ratio research found that couples need five positive interactions for every negative one to maintain emotional security (Gottman, 1994).

But what happens if they wait too long?

• Couples who delay therapy often have a negativity ratio closer to 8:1, meaning negative interactions dominate the relationship (Driver & Gottman, 2004).

• When a couple’s emotional bank account is already in deep overdraft, therapy is no longer about improving the relationship—it’s about trying to undo years of damage that could have been prevented.

Therapy is incredibly effective if there’s still goodwill left in the relationship.

If there isn’t, it’s like trying to revive a plant that’s been dead for months. Watering it won’t bring it back.

The Research on When Couples Therapy Works Best

If waiting too long kills success rates, what does the research say about when couples should start therapy for the best results?

Couples Who Seek Therapy Early Have a 70–80% Success Rate

The gold standard for couples therapy is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which has an over 70% success rate when couples seek therapy before distress is severe (Johnson et al., 1999).

EFT focuses on attachment security, which means it works best when:

• The couple still fundamentally wants to be together.

• They haven’t spent years reinforcing avoidance or resentment.

Once a relationship reaches the “I don’t know if I want to be here” stage, therapy becomes far less effective (Johnson, 2008).

The Three-Year Window for Fixing Relationship Problems

A study by Markman & Hahlweg (1993) found that couples who address relationship dissatisfaction within three years of its onset have far higher rates of recovery than those who wait longer.

This means the first three years of distress are critical intervention points.

After that, negative cycles tend to solidify, making repair harder.

Preventative Therapy Yields the Best Results

Research on premarital counseling and early-stage therapy shows that couples who attend therapy before major issues arise have:

• Lower divorce rates

• Stronger conflict resolution skills

• Higher long-term satisfaction (Halford & Snyder, 2012)

The real takeaway?

• Therapy isn’t supposed to be a last resort.

• It’s supposed to be relationship maintenance—like changing the oil before the engine blows up.

The Relationship Fix: How to Avoid the “Too Late” Problem

If you’re in a relationship, here’s when you should consider therapy—before it’s too late:

✔ Before major life transitions (marriage, kids, relocation, retirement).
✔ When you notice recurring conflicts that don’t get resolved.
✔ If one or both of you feel emotionally distant.
✔ If one partner starts withdrawing from physical or emotional intimacy.
✔ Before resentment has a chance to settle in.

And most importantly: go before you think you need it.

Because the worst mistake couples make isn’t fighting too much.

It’s waiting until there’s nothing left to fight for.

Final Thought: Therapy Works—If You Don’t Wait Until the End

• Couples therapy is most effective when it’s early, not desperate.

• Waiting too long turns small problems into permanent emotional fractures.

• Once one partner has emotionally checked out, therapy becomes an exit strategy—not a repair process.

If you want your relationship to last, don’t wait until it’s broken to fix it.

Go to therapy when your relationship is bruised—not when it’s already on life support.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Amato, P. R., & Hohmann-Marriott, B. (2007). A comparison of high- and low-distress marriages that end in divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(3), 621–638.

Doss, B. D., Simpson, L. E., & Christensen, A. (2009). Why do couples seek marital therapy? Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 40(6), 617–622.

Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? Psychology Press.

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically-based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company.

Whisman, M. A., Dixon, A. E., & Johnson, D. P. (2018). Therapists’ perspectives on barriers to couple therapy. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(3), 368–374.