The reddest flag of them all?

Saturday, November 25, 2023.

Someone once asked me, “Daniel… what’s the reddest flag of all?”

I’m thinking of my client, Charlie Davenport (not his real name, of course). He had an affair with, and ultimately married his affair partner, Arlene, a woman he had a crush on in high school.

This woman, Arlene, was an early adaptor with online sexual fantasies with strangers.

In 1995, during her divorce, Arlene had a spiritual adventure in which she confided her various infidelities to her soon-to-be ex-husband, and them bragged to Charlie.. as if she had done something…meritorious.

Twenty years later, Charlie complained in therapy about Arlene cheating on him.

Here’s what I told Charlie.

Humans who have cheated in the past are 3X more likely to be unfaithful in their next relationship, according to numerous, very solid studies. It’s a legit red flag.

Yeah, the fear is palpable. Many humans keep repeating that sh*t over… and over. But not all!

• A whopping 44% of humans in the study reported cheating on their partner during their current relationship.

• Almost 33% said that they knew their partner had cheated on them in the past.

• Both men and women were equally likely to report cheating and being cheated on.

• Those who have been cheated on are particularly alert for the signs, being 4X more likely to suspect their current partner.

The study’s authors muse:

“Our results indicated a threefold increase in the likelihood that a person will engage in infidelity if they already have a history of engaging in extra-dyadic sexual involvement [infidelity], and a two-to fourfold increase in the likelihood of having an partner engage in infidelity if a person knew about or suspected infidelity from a past relationship partner.

These findings suggests that previous engagement in infidelity is an important risk factor predicting engagement in infidelity in a subsequent relationship.”

How the study was conducted

The results come from a survey of nearly 500 (ok, 484) humans who were asked about their relationship history going back about five years.

• They were also surveyed about whether they had cheated in their current relationship, or on a previous partner, as well as the same information about their current partner.

• Although 44% reported cheating in their current relationship, the study subjects were unmarried and the rates are lower among married people.

• One fascinating nuance was that the humans who had cheated were no more likely to be suspicious of their current partner than those who hadn’t. Isn’t that curious?

• The authors clarify:

“Prior infidelity emerged as an important risk factor for infidelity in next relationships.

Individuals with previous partners who have engaged in infidelity may be at increased risk for partnering with individuals in later relationships who also engage in infidelity because these individuals may be more likely to contribute to relationship contexts associated with higher risk of infidelity.”

It is not true that cheaters always cheat, though, they write:

“…although a history of infidelity may be an important risk factor of which to be aware, it is not necessarily true that someone who is “once a cheater” is “always a cheater.”

Understanding what distinguishes those who experience repeated infidelity from those who do not remains an important next step…”

Final thoughts on the question of “once a cheater… always a cheater?”

What bothers me most about this kind of research is the lack of ecology. Knock it off, geez…. LOL, I feel bad for humanity when researchers keep scolding us with obvious warnings.

We know about the bad habit of infidelity from sh*tloads of earlier research. There’s nothing new here.

Hurt partners also need to know that 64% of couples recover from infidelity, many into a deeper, richer, and more honest relationship. I can help with that.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Knopp, K., Scott, S., Ritchie, L. et al. Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships. Arch Sex Behav 46, 2301–2311 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1