The problem of eye contact and Implicit Ableism…

Monday, November 27, 2023.

What is Implicit Ableism in couples therapy?

In the silo of science-based neurodivergent couples therapy, Implicit Ableism is any behavior, belief, action, or inattention to action, which endorses neurotypical responses and thought patterns as a preferred or superior way of human being.

The norm of human eye contact…

Neurotypical norms are emphatic on this point. Eye conduct is regarded as the “best practice” for showing respect, bestowing attention, and conveying concern.

We forget that not everyone can provide meaningful eye contact from the get go.

In the late 80’s, I was doing a labor studies research project with a number of blind newsstand vendors in the city of Providence. I still remember what Charlie, a blind vendor once told me. “I wear the dark glasses as a kindness to feed your illusion that I am looking at you.”

Because their was a cultural overlap and employment overlap, I also enjoyed the company of the Providence deaf community. Their lively and animated discussions also reminded me that the ability to hear the spoken word is not a requirement for an engaging conversation.

The neurodiverse and eye contact

Many of my neurodiverse clients are perplexed and occasionally overwhelmed by their Neurotypical partners longing for the bestowing and reception of eye contact. With the neuro-divergent, you will see a number of potentially different responses.

Some will have no issue. On the other hand, I’ve had neurodivergent clients describe efforts at extended eye contact as physically uncomfortable, agitating, and emotionally draining.

The starting point of building an effective clinical bond is to recognize that each partner has a differentiated experience regarding eye contact.

But wait! What if their neurotypical spouse craves eye contact?

Many couples therapists working in the niche of neurodivergent couples therapy have noticed how a neurodiverse neurotype can become romantically enthralled by a partner with pronounced neurotypical states and traits.

In working with neurodivergent couples, it’s important to be creative sometimes and think differently, while still remaining as concrete as fu*k.

For example, I’d invite my neurodiverse client to angle their body toward their partner, while focusing their gaze upon their counterparts nose, mouth, or forehead.

Maintaining the semblance of eye contact can be a more flexible and sustainable way to approximate the experience ardently enjoyed by most neurotypicals, than trying to force a behavior that disrupts your nervous system and might foster resentment.

In other words, a well trained, brain-informed couples therapist would seek to intervene with a sense of compromise.

I’d also be looking for the neurotypical (NT) partner to stop pathologizing the lack of eye contact, and to especially appreciate the cognitive effort required to maintain the illusion of a behavior which others can do easily with no apparent effort.

Privileging eye contact is the first dictum of neurotypical hegemony. Let’s get past it, please.

Normative eye contact is not an essential life skill—don’t try to make it one. But it is a teachable skill if it enhances a relationship. Prize comfort for both minds, but be open to learning new things together.

Be well. Stay kind, and Godspeed.